I've hit a wall.. Now what?

[pearlharbr]

Ok, I'm on board with painting light oak white. How old is the house? Since we got our 1916 bungalow in Seattle I don't think I would ever want a new(ish) house again. The house in Anchorage was built in '84 but there aren't any old homes there so I made do. The one we have now is a 1926 colonial revival bungalow and I love it.

Back to the reason we're all here...

You were spot on with how you handled his temper tantrum. You stated your boundaries, now enforce them. Set up a filter on your work email to sen all of H's messages directly to a separate folder or to trash. When you call him keep the convo short and simple. It would be great if you can fit in in before belly dancing class so you have a reason you have to et going, plus then you'll have an activity to get your mind off the sitch if need be.

Normally I would recommend that you keep convos to email now but you seem ready to meet up with him in person. You know how to handle yourself and not let your emotions run wild. Plus you can show off how fabulous you look and how much fun you're having with GAL activities; you are a great catch for someone. Whether or not H is that lucky man is up to him.

[pearlharbr]

Oh, one other thing that I was reminded of by reading another thread:

Do the dates he suggested really work for you? Pick the day/time that is best for your schedule, even better if it's a completely different day. You show him that you are in charge and will not just go along with his plans. But if one of the days he suggested is the best for you then pick that one. Just remember to put yourself first.

[talia]

Hey Pearl! Thanks for the advice.

My house is early 80's but you almost can't tell now


I noticed that H only suggested dates that go along with what I've been open to in the past. During the week doesn't work at all and he knows that - so he only suggested weekend dates - clearly he's learning on some level.
I chose the very last one he suggested... 2/21 named the time and the public place. Quick and simple - not chit chat. Easy.

I talked to a D lawyer friend of mine. He's suggesting I change a lot of things and wants to discuss me filing first to exercise some of my rights. I'm not sure how I feel about that... We are going to talk more later this week. I'm totally on board with protecting myself and getting as much out of a D as possible for myself. I just don't really want it and filing makes me feel like I'm telling everyone I'm OK with this... Not sure how I feel... Its one thing to do it because its a good legal strategy and quite another to do it because I'm just done with this whole thing. At least I have a few weeks to decide/ mull over my feelings. At least its nice to know that I have more rights than I thought and that I'm pretty much guaranteed to keep my house. L says H couldn't get it away from me if he wanted too... and if he tried my L will make sure H has to pay me for the negative equity Hows that for leverage...

I've been thinking more about dating. I really would like to go on a couple, so that is my GAL focus for the next few weeks.. We will see how it goes - may end up being a disaster!

Belly Dancing class went amazing! I may have found a new hobby! I can't believe how quickly it got me in touch my my body and how it moves. Those sensual sexy movements really make you feel more like a woman - it accentuates everything that's great about being a woman!!!!!! I can't wait to go back!

Well another long day at work and then off to IC tonight - looking forward to that.

T

[pearlharbr]

I get why you might not feel comfortable filing. But it IS a legal strategy and remember that your number one priority is to protect yourself. You didn't start all this but you are darned well going to make lemonade out of lemons!

Good news on the house! I'm glad because you've put so much of yourself into it.

Re: dating, good for you. Just keep in mind that it is meant to be light and fun. Meeting new people and getting some male attention is always a good thing. Nothing serious.

Belly dancing sounds fun. I've toyed with the idea of taking a strip tease class, for the exercise of course!

[talia]

Exercise... Of Course.. THAT'S the reason...


I am willing to do what is in my best interest's legally, I have no choice and I can't have the rest of my life screwed up because I of my feelings right now. We will see what the other talks beget. I'll do what I have too - whether I like it or not!

Well if dating doesn't go well, I won't do it again for a while I won't truly know how I feel about it until I give it a whirl.

Forget lemonade.... when life gives me lemons I break out the Tequila and throw myself a party...

T

[pearlharbr]

Ugh, I have bad tequila experiences. But limoncello isn't bad.

I started out with the attitude that if BF wanted out then he would have to be the one to leave, to split things up, etc. Of course he just wanted to continue cake eating and let things remain status quo. I got so fed up and decided I was done so I took control. I was tired of him being a cheater, liar and coward and I told him so. That sure got his attention.

I know other people don't look forward to dating because there are a lot of frogs out there, but I tend to think of it as exciting and fun. I totally lap up the attention and found it a great tool to regain some self-esteem. If BF doesn't want me then fine, there are lots of other men out there who do.

[talia]

Hey Pearl...
I just finally found your thread. Now its time for me to catch up on you.. You'll see me there soon!

I'm at that point I think. I'm paying way more than my "fair share" of the bills and since I don't know otherwise I have to assume he's still committing adultery.. so its totally cake eating. Time to make some movement in my direction - whatever that turns out to be. It can't stay like this... change is good I guess.

As cutter say.. Embrace the SUCK.

That's exactly why I want to date! I'm sure it will help me re-gain some of my self esteem when it comes to being desirable! I already have it when it comes to how I feel about myself, but its severely lacking with regards to how I think other men see me. Time to fix that!

[talia]

MY GAL.... I've found my new theme song...


Jesse James... I look so good without you...
(I'm normally not into this kind of music but.....)

Hey boy I would of thought that when you left me
I'd be broken with my
confidence gone.. so bummed..
Hey boy I would of thought
that when you said that you
don't want me
I'd feel ugly n sense something was wrong
Standing in front of the mirror.. my
skin's never been clearer
My smile's never been brighter

I look so good without you
Got me a new hairdo
Lookin' fresh n brand new
Since you said "that we're through"
Done.. with your lies
Baby now my tears dried
You can see my brown eyes
Ever since you said goodbye
I look so good, I look so good without you
I look so good, I look so good without you

Hey I'd never would of thought
that when you left me
I'd feel sexy n so good in my skin again
And I'd never would of known that
I'd be dreamin' so much better
without you in my head
Standing in front of the mirror.. my
clothes never fit better
My life's never been brighter

[ Find more Lyrics on http://mp3lyrics.org/NRPq ]
I look so good without you
Got me a new hairdo
Lookin' fresh n brand new
Since you said "that we're through"
Done.. with your lies
Baby now my tears dried
You can see my brown eyes
Ever since you said goodbye
I look so good, I look so good without you
I look so good, I look so good without you

Now baby my body's lookin' better than before
ain't bitin' my nails since you
walked out of that door
I realized now I deserve so much
more than what you give
Than what you give (than what you give..)

I look so good without you
Got me a new hairdo
Lookin' fresh n brand new
Since you said "that we're through"
I look so good without you
Got me a new hairdo
Lookin' fresh n brand new
Since you said "that we're through"
Done.. with your lies
Baby now my tears dried
You can see my brown eyes
Ever since you said goodbye

I look so good without you
Got me a new hairdo
Lookin' fresh n brand new
Since you said "that we're through"
Done.. with your lies
Baby now my tears dried
You can see my brown eyes
Ever since you said goodbye
I look so good, I look so good without you
I look so good, I look so good without you


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-35GWbTjus

[pearlharbr]

I always welcome friends with hugs or 2x4s.

Let me just say that, while I started out a scared little sadsack, I do delight in remembering the moments I stood up for myself and really let BF have it. Trouble is then I would do something unattractive to undo it because I thought I was breaking the "be the better option" rules of conduct. I had a DB phone counselor who told me one thing but advice here was the opposite. I ended up doing what felt authentic to me and damn was it empowering.

Definitely embrace the suck.

Do you like sports? If so, hang out at a sports bar to watch the game. I got to know all the single men at my watering hole during football season last year. They really loved the fact that I was there to watch the game and knew my stuff. I got free drinks from the bartender and several business cards. Plus it's not as stressful as going out on a real date. Not that those are bad!

Funny thing is that I have a male acquaintance who commented that I must have men hitting on me all the time. At first I was flabbergasted and said, no, that's never been me. But after I spent more time on my own I did notice that men are not in short supply. When I met up with this man again and he made the same comment I said why yes, yes I do. They must recognize that I am a catch! And even now I don't hesitate to remind BF that I am a total package.

P.S. I love your theme song!!

[talia]

SOOOO I'm not doing well today. Tried to sleep without meds last night.. got about 4 hours. Not the rest I was hoping for.

Now that I have agreed to this stupid meeting with H - I'm obsessing again. I HATE HATE HATE all of my options. I don't see how any of them are NOT going to cause more friction between H and I. The only thing I can do is what is best for me, but I'm starting to think that option will be what is worst for saving my M.

Its been a long time since I've had obsessive imaginary conversations with H in my head, but for the last 24 hours I can't seem to make it stop. Funny how things can be so good... and then....

How in the world do I convey to him that I DON'T want a divorce and I DON'T want to seem like a bitch, BUT I'm not going to let him take advantage of me any more and I will protect myself by making sure that any D settlement is in my best interests. UGH...

My IC thinks I'm doing great. She is happy with my boundaries and how well I'm enforcing them. She's also happy that I seem to be constantly labeling my feelings and accepting them. That's been the empowering thing for me. I now understand what I feel and don't judge myself for feeling that way. Unfortunately today .. that means I fee very confused and sad to be here...

I feel trapped by this situation - I don't see any way that I can be loving and tough at the same time. I don't see how I can do what I WANT to and what I NEED to at the same time.

Oh well.. I should save that stuff for a day I'm better rested...

Crabby and sulky,
T

P.S. Tonight I GAL by going to a my first meeting of a new "MEET UP" group I found. Part of me doesn't want to go, but I think I might make myself...