Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Sandi
I am baffled too with coming home late and the reaction. I wouldn't call it a bad mood, but always disappointment and maybe guilt would be a good word now that I think about it. Like a little kid that knew they shouldn't have taken the toy but did it anyways and then saw the other kid crying and felt bad. So is it a pretense, I don't know.

I know my one friend who knows all the details of our sitch thinks there is no contact any more and he suspected an A with OM long before I ever told him. He works a lot with her and watches her closely. Of course we both admit, she might just be one heck of an actor...today W was discussing with him "our" retirement plans. OM2 I find hard to believe and yes I know never to count anything out, but it would have to be pure on-line meeting, risk too great for her, and she can't afford to get in trouble if she plans on D and making it on her own.

I can be firm. I was fairly firm last night. I can turn that switch to firm on, I do it all the time at work. I will heed that advice. It'll feel good to be firm and I always get positive results when I call her out on being a b!tch. Thanks for the advice and explanation.

I need to figure out how to call her out on neglecting the girls, I've done it before but probably not firm enough. So I got to think how to better approach.

And the rank question: we are the same rank. I "outrank" her by about 8 or 9 months (I achieved this rank 8 or 9 months before her) but currently the same rank. In fact, one of my proudest moments was exactly 1 year ago when she asked me to promote her. I told her this when I was in the begging/pleading stage, and it is true...but probably didn't phase her at all.

Today she has been super friendly to me. And I just made reservations for a 2 night stay at a ski resort for the whole family the weekend after next...

Will see what tonight brings...she just left work...will be home before me for the first time in months.

[gutwrenching]

At this point, I guess I have to be waiting for the wheels to fall off the roller coaster and send it plummeting again. Tonight someone could have told me it was Feb 2009 not Feb 2010 and I would have believed it. Probably the most "normal" (as the old normal would be) night in this home in I don't know how long - at least 9 months. W was very friendly, was home before me by about 10 minutes, we made dinner together, the girls were loving having her home and fighting for her attention (don't know if she realized or not), she even said to me at one point lets go up and change out of our uniforms. That hasn't happened in 9 months either - always used too - but those few times we got home together in the last 4 months, its been "you go" or "I'm going you stay with the kids"...now she was still modest but we did change out of uniforms in same room.

After kids in bed, a little effort not a ton. She did ask me what I wanted to do, so I told her. Not what she had in mind, she wants to read her book and mess around on her computer. She said when she got to the end of this section in her book, if it wasn't too late, she'd come down and watch one of our recorded shows. I know darn well that won't happen, but the fact she asked me what I wanted to do vice dictating what she was going to do was different also.

I tried Rocked's advice and that didn't go over so well. With as nice and engaged as she was, I tried to fill a little of the tank with a simple hand on her back. After a couple of seconds there, she contorted her body to get me to remove it. She didn't say anything, probably cause the girls were around, but I got the message and didn't try to fill the tanks again.

[rockedworld]

Well don't push it then GW. Clearly she is not open to that at this point. Maybe try other LL when you get a chance. We all have to figure out what works in our sitch and do more of that, less of what doesn't work.

[gutwrenching]

Yes, got that message loud and clear, won't try that one again for a bit. I certainly don't want to push it in-case she is truly trying...still somewhat waiting for a pullback or for another out of the blue mood swing like yesterday.

[Lost Rabbit]

Mm interesting manouvres!

Just a thought if you follow Sandi's suggestion about "manning up" a bit I wonder if it will throw her off course a bit. As in if she planned to do something would she think twice about it! Sorry if its a bit vague..

What were her other LL's perhaps you can try those instead of touching for a bit, leave it a week before you try that one again, if she shrugged you off she is not ready to accept that yet. Sorry its just a quickie work is manic.

[gutwrenching]

Sandi - your comments on W being upset at her choices really got me thinkging. One more piece to the puzzle. I'm no shrink, but I'd swear (and have for years) that my W has a mild case of AADD and that could be part of the problem. She often has trouble focusing on the task at hand...very easily distracted...could be part of the issue with her staying late at work. Wife also currently on some medication that was initially intended for something else, but she has found helps her focus. Those are her words and she says she can't describe it any better than that. Also, do you think the mood swings could possibly be hormonal?

RW/Rabbit - another day, I'm doing fine. Going on 36 hours of W being friendly/good mood after the episode on Sunday. The 5LLs going to be difficult. Although she hasn't taken it (and I won't suggest unless I get the feeling she is actually at place where she is willing to work on us), I would venture that physical touch is her primary and words of affirmation are the secondary. Those tough to fill in sitch where she wants none of that. I would guess acts of service are last for her, but don't really know...only say that because I have tried that multiple times with no visible results. Sending gifts not an option, so that leaves quality time, which right now I can't get her to do at all. Prime example:

Last night, I showed her the ski cabin I rented, although not perfect, it was nice. She had heard of another web site that we looked at and found some that seemed better for the same price. When the girls went to bed, I asked if she wanted to look at the cabins and figure that out. Her answer was more or less, I don't want to deal with that, whatever you booked us will be fine. Well I looked anyways, and I found a place that I thought was much better for the same price and will allow us to bring the dog. Later in the evening, out of the blue W apologizes for blowing me off on the cabin rental and asks me what I think. I told her that I had already done all the research and was going to try to switch our reservations if I could sweat talk my way out of a cancellation fee (which I did today)...but overall another odd exchange/interaction.

[sandi2]

It could certainly be hormonal. Unless the doctor runs specific test to indicate special hormone levels, the usual run-of-the-mill physical does not include those kind of tests. You almost have to know what hormone lab work to ask for, and being military....I don't know if one can do that unless the doctor thinks it's necessary. They are pretty expensive, but well worth it if that's the problem. I can't believe how long I suffered b/c of low hormone levels, and that is why I bring this subject up to so many LBH's. I look back and can see how different things could have been in my MR if I had been helped with this. But, the woman has to be willing to get to a doctor and so many don't think anything is wrong, b/c they have grown use it. Sounds crazy but guess almost anything can become "normal" after so long of a time.

Some medications can affect mood swings, but seems like she would have been told to expect that.....and I'm sure she would be telling you "it's all b/c of the medication".

It could be some of all that you mentioned. Can you think back and judge the mood swings with the time she started the meds? Also, this stitch she has put herself in can do a lot of emotional harm, as you well know. My H has AADD. I suppose one's personality would make a big difference.

I just thought of something. She may be getting too much male hormone ad it's making her aggressive. Or....if she is on any type of steroid meds, that will certainly cause anger issues. I had one doctor to put me on a prescription for pain, and he didn't even tell me it was a form of steroids....until he said I had to get off of them!

[gutwrenching]

Sandi,
Thanks for the insight. I'm going to have to look up the meds and see what is what. There is only one she takes reguarly and rest are as needed - most had to do with reducing anxiety attacks/issues which as she even admitted were because of the sitch. Now she has rarely had to take those since she's gotten them (just so happens that I exposed the EA right about the same time as she got the anxiety meds and now has only needed to take them a couple of times).

I suspect if I brought up the idea of hormones, she would tell me nothing is wrong. But if she has another one or two of these wild swings, I am going to need to firmly tell her she needs to see a doctor or IC because what I saw from Sat night to Sun afternoon and then Monday just isn't normal. From very friendly and open on Sat, to good time Sat night, to calm/peaceful Sun morning, to royal b!tch for no reason Sunday afternoon, to absolutely great mood all day Monday. Maybe it is the stress of the sitch, but something isn't right. I almost get the sense that we are about to change moods again...call it a 6th sense from brief discussions and reading body language towards me at work meetings today...

I got our reservations changed for our ski weekend as we talked about last night, as she really wanted, and when I told her, she asked what place was it, how far away, is it the one that took the dog, etc. All the things we talked about last night that led us to wanting to change. I was baffled. I should have been a hero for getting it done and talking them out of all the fees, because we both thought this other place looked a lot better.

I cannot piece together mood swings and meds. She didn't initially tell me when she was put on them and there were so many other things going on at the time with us, that I can't piece that together. She does have pain prescriptions but they are take as needed and I don't think she's been taking them hardly at all...I will have to check without her seeing me (snooping).

[sandi2]

Yes, and she could be taking something that she hasn't told you about.

One of the men on the board says that whenever a woman is in an EA then if she acts in a good mood, that means she's had contact with OM and things are good between them. However, if she's in a bad mood, then that means she either has not had contact or things are not good in paradise. So, good=bad, and bad=good! But since your friend thinks she isn't in an A at this point.....I just don't know. But I agree that something isn't right and the longer you allow her to project her mood on the household, the longer she will do that. Some people are that much like kids and as long as they get away with acting badly....they will.

Not many LBH's have success with trying to get their WAW's to go to a doctor about hormones, but since she responds to your firmness with her.....it just might be worth a shot. What's she going to do.....get mad?

[gutwrenching]

LOL...thanks Sandi, love the last line...what's she going to do...get mad. I don't think I could possibly ever see madder than when I told her no more contact with OM and she moved out of the bedroom for two days. But like you said, she did respond to firmness. After putting up with the anger then for about 48 hours, I told her no more in front of the kids and was extremely firm. She stayed pissed that night but next day the anger was almost completely gone and she moved back into the bedroom that next day and has never left (physically...emotionally she has never checked back in) since. That was about 6 weeks ago.

Needed a smile today. Anxiety is back today, probably because lot of stress at work right now, plus of course this sitch, plus now some genuine worry about the health of W.

If it happens one or two more times, I think I will very firmly tell her she needs to go see an IC and/or a doctor to run some tests. Because if this is happening regularly, then something is off balance and I will tell her I'm saying this for our kids and because I still care about her.

I just don't know if EA is still going on. I want to trust my friend, because he has dealt with this and he watches. But even he can't be 100%. he says that. He says he feels it is greater than 50/50...he thinks there is less than 50% chance of it still going on because he doesn't see the things he used too (door shut all the time, way she acts around him, never mentions OM any more, etc) and because he feels she is too smart. That once I exposed and made her at least back off, she has to realize they both have way too much to lose and there is no way OM would ever leave his family to ruin a military career when he's about 5 or so years from retirement, especially when there is almost zero chance of them getting assigned somewhere together. He thinks by now, that reality has had to have sunk in.

I want to believe him, but not sure I do. I'm trying to believe in order to build some trust.

And taking something she hasn't told me about - I can find them. We spend too much time together, especially on weekends, I know where the meds would be...just have to get opportunity to look...which I should between tonight and tomorrow morning.