I don’t think it explains why you or any of us are D’d. LOL
I try to look at it a little differently. In my sitch, and most of us, I am going to have to deal with H, for the rest of my life in some way because I have a child with him. Although, I do not want or plan to be his best friend, I do want to get along and have a decent R with him.
There will be graduations, weddings, birth of grandchildren. Times when we will have to see each other and interact. I don’t want those times to be uncomfortable for my S or for either of us. If we can be cordial, friendly, that will make those things easier. If nothing else, that is one positive that could be a lasting result.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
So I'm working on detatching, but it is hard, because she is not making it easy.
I sent her an email yesterday telling her thank you for trying to be open and honest with me over the last week or so, and I know how hard that must be for her.
she said it was a big deal, earth changing, that she had so many emotions about it and wanted to talk to me about it. this morning said she wanted to skype w me while we watched Lost together... then she said she'd call me this morning... which she did.
the things that eat away at me are the om's kids and how intertwined they are with mine. his separated wife and the kids live about a mile down the road from my wife. the kids play together all the time (his wife and my wife sortof help each other with the kids). so my wife tells me that his wife might be going away for the next few days. to which i replied "who is going to watch the kids"? sortof a knee jerk. she said, "I don't know... probably their father". So I asked, "so does he stay over there when she is gone?" to which she replied... "I don't know... yea probably". obviously this is a lie. she knows exactly what he does when he does it. why she can't be totally truthful is really tough on me, especialy when she says she is being totally honest with me.
so I have the scenario played out that the next three days are likely to be snow days, my kids over there, she and him hangning out playing surrogate parents while the wife goes away... she is distant and non-communicative because she knows that I will know what is going on. Anyhow this is how I have played it out in my head. and so far I've been right about the things I play out in my head.
but how do I deal with her wanting to sortof "reconnect" with me while all of this stuff is going on with the so called OM's kids, my kids, all of that stuff. and I'm stuck down here 4 hours away. I have to just take it? Act nice on the phone all the time no matter what, even when it seems she may be lying?
...So I asked, "so does he stay over there when she is gone?"...so I have the scenario played out that the next three days are likely to be snow days, my kids over there, she and him hangning out playing surrogate parents while the wife goes away... she is distant and non-communicative because she knows that I will know what is going on.
You're going to have work harder at dettaching.
We (LBSers) tend to ask the questions we really do not want the answers to. Its like we secretly hope for a 'good' answer, but even when we get that or one that isn't so bad, it is 'obviously' a lie.
These are simply TRICK questions, there is no correct answer. The MLCer loses, and so does the LBS who asks them.
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but how do I deal with her wanting to sortof "reconnect" with me while all of this stuff is going on with the so called OM's kids, my kids, all of that stuff
My personal take? SHE DOES want to reconnect with you. However she is keeping her saftey net OM. She WANTS to reconnect with you, she is MLC and makes poor choices. Horrible choices in fact. Be her white knight for now, be the better option. Stop making her feel like crap, stop giving her the reasons not to call you.
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and I'm stuck down here 4 hours away.
Choice. Live with it or change it.
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I have to just take it? Act nice on the phone all the time no matter what...
No matter what? No...not no matter what. But right now she is not giving you any reason to be dim dark. Tell you what... You interupt them having sex while your kids are sleeping in another bedroom, maybe then you should be a dikc and go dark. But right now? You have no proof except for the monsters in your head. And to treat her poorly because of that is simple miscommunication and bad relationship tactics.
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even when it seemsshe may be lying?
Glad you said it that way, and is pretty telling.
Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 02/02/1006:50 PM.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
You are trying to complete the reporting of a story without all the facts. Your mind is filling in the blanks with imaginary thoughts.
You will never have a truth detector so there is no way for you to distinquish a lie versus a fact from your wife. There are a couple kinds of lies also...those that you just dont say and those that are made up. And there is the George Costanza philosophy that I think your W is living - "Jerry, just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it".
