Not Me Ever...part 3

[Gnosis]

I don't want to guilt him into doing it though...I want him to want to come home however it won't be on his terms. That is what I need him to understand.

And that is perfectly FINE with me

For the "guilting" part... what you can do is clearly define your boundaries as conditions for him to return home.

You CAN tell him that he has not treated you with the respect you deserved and this is one of the reasons that you are uncertain about whether it is wise for him to return home. Then watch him jump through hoops to give you that respect.

This is what I implied with "guilting" and "truth darts" because it makes no sense to allow him to return and have him resume his previous bad behavior.

Sorry, sometimes I fail to communicate what I meant.

[orangedog]

I think the one thing bothering me (bad enough to not want to put words to it) is that the more time goes forward the more I feel less for my H...I am scared of reaching a place where it would no longer matter if he came back or not and that if he did, I wouldn't want him back anymore. frown

Dog thinks you must reach this point before you can decide enter or re-enter a relationship. Sadness, anger, and feelings will discolor perception. One must approach the relationship with an empty heart (or blank page) ready to start fresh.

(others are free to disagree).

[Serenity13]

(((Dog)))

Always a pleasure when you come by and I thank you for your point of view - I think you may actually be onto something here...I never looked at it that way though it does make perfect sense.

[Serenity13]

My oldest S sent this to me -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZMCkufE0X0

There are no words.

[Gardener]

Serenity,
Catching up.

Update -
Last night was interesting - I received a text from my oldest S...
He was telling me how much he missed me and little one as well as his school and friends...
My heart was screaming "Tell him he can come back" - My head prevailed...
I let him know I understood however there would be no going back and forth between his Dad and I just because he didn't like the rules I set. He chose to go there and now needs to finish out school and his probation and once that is done we can revisit him returning to me.

OMG - I so rock! Whoop-Whoop

You do rock! He is learning consequences, lessons, the grass isn't greener, and his true heart's desires.
Go, Mom!

[Gardener]

I decided to go dark on him as well unless he absolutely needed something and it did make my day - Made my day more knowing I set what I wanted to set and wasn't going to back down from it.

Yes!

[Gardener]

avermont,

Gardener, I can only hope for the detachment and "done with it"feelings you have. Of course, if X keeps behaving as he is, it will be easier to get to that state! You can't "do" detachment. But if you do everything else, DB=wise, detachment "happens."

I do want to be helpful and post to the newcomers--my heart breaks every time I see a new name with recent "registered" date, but I don't feel I have anything helpful to offer. Do you think just a "welcome, sorry you are here?" is enough? Yes, Definitely. It's support, commiserating, and better than the interminable waiting for a response - any response - after you've bared yourself and put yourself out there and the ensuing minutes feel like hours.

I want to return some of the massive amounts of good karma that others have been pouring on to me.

So--here are best wishes to you all. I'll keep checking in. Thank you. Do you have your own "home" thread? I haven't been able to locate it.

[Serenity13]

(((Gardener)))

You know I thank you for coming by and chiming in!

As hard as it was, it had to be done so we continue to move forward.

Here is the thread (Avermont) you were looking for...Toodles my friend.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1929929&page=1

[Gardener]

Serenity,

I agree with your words and I am gearing myself up for it...I know there may be some begging, whining etc...However I need him to learn that going back and forth just to satisfy himself isn't going to happen.
I don't want to guilt him into doing it though...I want him to want to come home however it won't be on his terms.
That is what I need him to understand.

"DB" your son. Validate his feelings. "I can understand how you might feel that way."

Write down and recite some firm, airtight boundaries and specific consequences.

Tell him if his father won't model and raise him as a functioning, mature, accountable MAN, you will!

"When - and if - the time comes for you to return here and follow the rules like a young MAN, that decision will have to be final and irrevocable - subject to your consistent, mature, loving behavior as a member of this family."

Insist on seeing proof: immediate, marked, and sustained improvement before any such discussion takes place.

But, you know all this.

[Serenity13]

Gardener ~

DBing my S was never anything I thought I would have to do...

With that said, I agree with your above statement...

All I really wanted to tell him was "I told you so" however I refrained from doing so and I did use "I understand" as well as "I can see how you feel that way" while talking to him.

He has been in more contact since this then ever before however I am standing firm...

I keep reminding myself that I have to protect the little one as well as myself...

And I NEVER want to be afraid in my own home again because my S decided he wanted to turn punk a$$ on me.

(((Hugs)))