Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[godhelpme]

Sorry to bump this thread.

Sandi - could you please pop by 'marriage hanging by a thread" and let me know your thoughts on some comments from my WAW?

[MrBond]

Thanks v1olin.

I doubt if she's planning anything. Unlike some of the other WASs on here, she really isn't the scheming type. Except, of course, when it came to her A.

[Dane]

Do not think that stuck. I never in a million years would have thought my wife was the scheming type. Boy was I wrong. If you are not on offense, you are on defense.
You need to be respond and be ready for anything.

[MrBond]

Hi sandi,

I totally agree with the fact that she needs to feel a loss. The problem I've been running into is that she is perfectly fine to let things be the way they are to her. All the changes she said she was going to do, she hasn't done.

It's almost like she's forcing herself to not see the kids, etc. because she made up her mind that it was how she was going to live and will do everything to make that possible. Yet she feels "empowered" when she plays the victim. Crazy.

I think that's why I've been inviting her to things to keep things moving in a positive direction. If not, she wouldn't do anything and in the end the kids would suffer because she doesn't do anything with them. She's never had an objection with me taking them all out somewhere.

I was surprised that she went to my friend's party. Even though it was with the kids, the people were my friends. She even told me it was a big deal for her. I don't know in what way since she didn't elaborate, but I saw it as a positive.

Sometimes I just want to shake her and say "What the hell are you doing?" I mean we get along, she doesn't want to stay away from the kids, etc. It's almost like she chooses to stay miserable because she doesn't feel like she "loves" me. She hasn't even examined what that means. Any thoughts?

[MrBond]

Big question especially for the senior DBers.

My W just called and said that her sister is having her place painted over the weekend. So she's going to be staying over Friday and Saturday night. Of course this is coming from the woman who was "afraid" of me just last week.

But anyhow she's been nicer since then. So I have plans Friday night with some friends. What should I do and how should I act towards her?

Honestly I've detached so much that I really didn't want her around, but then here she is. So I think I should make a good impression to a point, but I don't know. Any thoughts?

[v1olin]

I would treat her like a friend that you are helping out. Just tell her, "make yourself comfortable while I am gone, I am going out." Come and go as you would as if she was not there. If she crosses any of your boundaries let her know right away calmly and confidently. ALSO... if you have any papers or legal documents lying around that she could use against you down the road put them away. She may be there to do some spying. Just a thought. I know it is not a pretty one but that is the reality in these situations, take care Stuck.

[MrBond]

Thanks v1olin,

I know she's not on a fact finding mission for sure. She's not that bright or malicious in that way. She's just not that bright! just kidding. She really hasn't crossed any of my boundaries for awhile. She's been on the defensive only when I say something that goes against what her foggy head is saying.

I keep going back to when she had moved back in last year before leaving again. She was cordial, but not really friendly. I'm wondering if there is something I should do different. As a practicing DBer.

[pigskin]

I agree with v1olin. Act like its just a lady friend of a friend you agreed to help out. You'd be charming, courteous, and cordial, so just do that.

She's probably being nice because she needs something from you now. Just the cynical view, but with a WAW, you have to take everything with a grain of salt...

[v1olin]

Well I will put it this way stuck, I tried all of the methods on this site to try to get my wife back but nothing worked. She has a mother and a step dad who are therapists so I think the deck was stacked against me. So, take my advice for what it is, an outsider looking in. I did not save my marriage but I see more hope in most everyones sitch than my own. I think if your wife is starting to warm up you should be nice, maybe even friendly, but NOT pursuing in any way. Might be good for you to even take a call from your lady friend with your wife within earshot.

[MrBond]

Thanks pigskin and v1olin.

I guess I'm wondering what to do because last year when she was living at home, I did treat her like a roommate. I kept distance and was very friendly. No real positive response.

Lately we have been spending time together as a family. But I want to break out of the role of "dad". And be the dominant male once again. I can see how that attracted her to the OM. So I want to keep breaking out of the "nice guy" family mode.