Here's my story..midlife crisis/infidelity

[flowmom]

Watching H pack up is SO much harder than I thought.

(((JG))). I feel for you. Every time H removes something from our home, it feels like a stab to my heart. I have to tell myself that, although they are symbolic, they are just things. H apologized again today for removing our marital bed for his apt (he bought me a new, very cheap bed, which was my preference) and I looked him straight in the eye and said "I appreciate your concern, but it's just a thing. This situation is not about things, it's about people".

Last night he took D9 out to look at a couch.

I would recommend that you and your H not involve your D9 in the mechanics of the physical moving out and establishing of a new home for your H more than necessary. Perhaps you could discuss this with your H? Your D9 will already have enough to absorb without being asked to participate in the logistics of your H's new dwelling. You have to give H his space, but when it comes to parenting, you have every right to make a stand about making things easier on your children.

She and I layed on my bed and she cried. She asked me if I still loved her Dad and I told her "yes, I do and I don't want to be divorced or separated."

I would not talk about D with your children unless H is making that an issue. That's in the (possible) future and your children don't need to deal with that now. Concentrate on the separation right now...that's enough to handle.

I can barely sleep at night because my heart is so heavy about him leaving.

I can sooo relate to how you're feeling...it was only a month ago that I was in your shoes. What helped me:

• talking once or twice a day to a supportive, good listener friend/sister
• avoiding talking to people who aren't good at empathy (saying things like "you'll be better off" or freaking out themselves)
• cutting back on caffeine to sleep better
• watching a funny or light DVD right before going to sleep to escape a bit
• trying not to think about the future
• focusing on the kids and keeping daily routines normal
• using 3 mg melatonin before bed as well as valerian (herbal supplement) -- they both really helped (both available from drug store)
• taking practical steps towards dealing with other areas of my life (in my case pushing forward on S's diagnosis process)

I won't lie though, I was in a lot of pain and I don't think there was any way around it.

He keeps telling our daughter "everything will be fine."

He's right to reassure your D, but on the other hand, your D also clearly needs space to express her emotions and receive understanding and empathy from you and your H. Reassurance alone dismisses the big feelings that she is going through. I remember my childhood friends from divorce homes being really alone as their parents were preoccupied with their own dramas. I'm sure you're not doing that JG, but I think it's reasonable to ask your H to address your D's emotional needs directly.

All of my friends keeping telling me how strong I'm being but the truth is What is the alternative??

You're right. Totally falling apart is not an option for you right now. How I wished I could just wallow and process before and after H moved out!

I need some pointers on how to DB during the coming days. Please help friends.

Be real. Be calm. Be strong. Give yourself opportunities to fall apart and lose it when your H and children are not present, with the support of a safe friend or C. Stay in the present. Live with the pain of the present, because you can handle that. Completely let go of any idea of him changing his mind about moving out. Absolutely do not discuss the R at all -- that just distracts your H from having to deal with the emotional consequences of his own choices. In my H's case, it was a lot of guilt and shame.

You can do this.