Here's my story..midlife crisis/infidelity

[flowmom]

JG, the talk sounds painful. And watching the packing is hard too. Sending you lots of "stay calm" vibes.

[January girl]

And watching the packing is hard too.

Watching H pack up is SO much harder than I thought. Last night he took D9 out to look at a couch. Later he went back to discuss it with the sales guy. She and I layed on my bed and she cried. She asked me if I still loved her Dad and I told her "yes, I do and I don't want to be divorced or separated." Parts of this are so hard for her. We told her teacher, the principal and vice principal at her school via email yesterday. They are all being very supportive. (She is at a private Christian school that is very small.) I also spoke to her teacher with her in the morning yesterday. Her teacher is very tough but I'm hoping she will soften up and help my daughter thru this during the day.

I can barely sleep at night because my heart is so heavy about him leaving. He keeps telling our daughter "everything will be fine." Part of me wants to scream "no, it will NEVER BE FINE EVER AGAIN-YOU IDIOT!!" All of my friends keeping telling me how strong I'm being but the truth is What is the alternative??

I need some pointers on how to DB during the coming days. Please help friends.

[luvless]

(((JG))))

You are right...what else is there? to let this drag you down? you've got to think about your daughter. She is going to be watching you and unfortunately it's usually us moms that have to pick up the pieces. She needs to see you strong. Keep your focus on her right now.

In reading your post my heart just goes out to you. I'm so sorry. I'm going to keep you in my prayers. Keep praying it's all that works. I'll be praying for your strength to get through this!

When my H leaves (I feel this coming on very soon too) I refuse to be here to watch him pack I just won't do it....so I do feel your pain...I'm sure we all do.

Hang in there JG and know everything happens for a reason.

Luv

[Ready2Change]

I need some pointers on how to DB during the coming days. Please help friends.

We are here for you. HUGS

I can barely sleep at night because my heart is so heavy about him leaving.

Sleep is very important. I strongly suggest seeing your doc and getting something to help sleep. That way you have a solution when you need your sleep. Melatonin also works. During this difficult time, it is critical to live a healthy lifestyle. Eating, sleeping and exercise are very important.

He keeps telling our daughter "everything will be fine." Part of me wants to scream "no, it will NEVER BE FINE EVER AGAIN-YOU IDIOT!!" All of my friends keeping telling me how strong I'm being but the truth is What is the alternative??

There are many alternatives.

First I want you to really think about this statement:

You are your daughters PRIMARY female role model.

.
.
.

OK, you are going to show her how to "take the higher road" and be assertive, compassionate etc with men by how you interact with H.

[Ready2Change]

These are the "Bad" times we vowed to love our spouse.

1 Corinthians 13:4-13

[January girl]

OK, you are going to show her how to "take the higher road" and be assertive, compassionate etc with men by how you interact with H.

Yes, that is EXACTLY what I have been doing. I won't resort to any name calling or back stabbing because quite frankly he is a great dad to her. I totally agree that taking the high road is my only option. I don't want to look back on these days and regret any memories that my daughter forms now.

She is planning to spend Friday night with H at his new apartment helping him unpack and watching movies. Believe it or not I do want them to have fun times....she needs it so much.

Here is the part I'm not sure about....

1.) H has asked if our son (age 18 months) and I want to meet up with D9 and him on Saturday morning for breakfast. Is this a good plan?

2.) H wants to pick the kids up daily from school/daycare to spend time with them.
Is this a good idea? Should I let them go back to "our house" during this time
or pick them up from the apartment?

3.) We have MC tonight @ 4. Should I say I want to continue or should I say no "He just needs to go to IC instead?"

4.) Should I ask for the house key when he moves out? The key fobs for my vehicle?

I agree these are the "bad" times.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

[flowmom]

Watching H pack up is SO much harder than I thought.

(((JG))). I feel for you. Every time H removes something from our home, it feels like a stab to my heart. I have to tell myself that, although they are symbolic, they are just things. H apologized again today for removing our marital bed for his apt (he bought me a new, very cheap bed, which was my preference) and I looked him straight in the eye and said "I appreciate your concern, but it's just a thing. This situation is not about things, it's about people".

Last night he took D9 out to look at a couch.

I would recommend that you and your H not involve your D9 in the mechanics of the physical moving out and establishing of a new home for your H more than necessary. Perhaps you could discuss this with your H? Your D9 will already have enough to absorb without being asked to participate in the logistics of your H's new dwelling. You have to give H his space, but when it comes to parenting, you have every right to make a stand about making things easier on your children.

She and I layed on my bed and she cried. She asked me if I still loved her Dad and I told her "yes, I do and I don't want to be divorced or separated."

I would not talk about D with your children unless H is making that an issue. That's in the (possible) future and your children don't need to deal with that now. Concentrate on the separation right now...that's enough to handle.

I can barely sleep at night because my heart is so heavy about him leaving.

I can sooo relate to how you're feeling...it was only a month ago that I was in your shoes. What helped me:

• talking once or twice a day to a supportive, good listener friend/sister
• avoiding talking to people who aren't good at empathy (saying things like "you'll be better off" or freaking out themselves)
• cutting back on caffeine to sleep better
• watching a funny or light DVD right before going to sleep to escape a bit
• trying not to think about the future
• focusing on the kids and keeping daily routines normal
• using 3 mg melatonin before bed as well as valerian (herbal supplement) -- they both really helped (both available from drug store)
• taking practical steps towards dealing with other areas of my life (in my case pushing forward on S's diagnosis process)

I won't lie though, I was in a lot of pain and I don't think there was any way around it.

He keeps telling our daughter "everything will be fine."

He's right to reassure your D, but on the other hand, your D also clearly needs space to express her emotions and receive understanding and empathy from you and your H. Reassurance alone dismisses the big feelings that she is going through. I remember my childhood friends from divorce homes being really alone as their parents were preoccupied with their own dramas. I'm sure you're not doing that JG, but I think it's reasonable to ask your H to address your D's emotional needs directly.

All of my friends keeping telling me how strong I'm being but the truth is What is the alternative??

You're right. Totally falling apart is not an option for you right now. How I wished I could just wallow and process before and after H moved out!

I need some pointers on how to DB during the coming days. Please help friends.

Be real. Be calm. Be strong. Give yourself opportunities to fall apart and lose it when your H and children are not present, with the support of a safe friend or C. Stay in the present. Live with the pain of the present, because you can handle that. Completely let go of any idea of him changing his mind about moving out. Absolutely do not discuss the R at all -- that just distracts your H from having to deal with the emotional consequences of his own choices. In my H's case, it was a lot of guilt and shame.

You can do this.

[avermont]

Hi JG--

Just finding your thread and wanting to offer hugs and warmth.

I don't have children, so I won't offer advice on that end.

The packing up is brutal. I somehow managed to "gaily" help X move some stuff into the other half of the duplex. Later, when he finally agreed to move out, I put together some boxes of personal stuff and medical stuff for him. I don't think he took it in the way I intended it!

Flowmom is incredibly brave about "stuff" just being "stuff". When I realized that we moved his college futon into the apt. and thus X and OW were having at it in the bed we first slept together in...well. I will work on 'things are just things."

I do advise going to the doc for sleep/anti-anxiety/anti-D meds. It has helped me a lot. I am trying melatonin for my 3-5 am insomnia. Seems to help a bit.

Exercise is also huge. Even just a short walk a day can help.

I could echo Flowmom's advice about only worrying about the present, but since I am a total failure at that, I can only say "it sure seems like a good idea!"

Strength to you--

[flowmom]

I'm a beginner DBer with poor boundary skills, so take my advice with a grain of salt!

1.) H has asked if our son (age 18 months) and I want to meet up with D9 and him on Saturday morning for breakfast. Is this a good plan?

2.) H wants to pick the kids up daily from school/daycare to spend time with them.
Is this a good idea? Should I let them go back to "our house" during this time
or pick them up from the apartment?

I recommend figuring out what's best for your kids. If you agree to your H's requests, clarify that you believe that it's in the children's interest to do things that way. If you feel that his agendas are not what's best for your kids, then discuss with your H your concerns. Be a really good listener and validator when he expresses his POV...handle any parenting controversy with super duper care. There is no choice around finding common ground on parenting issues unless you want to delegate that to a professional. If you're unsure about whether a plan that your H wants is good for your kids, agree to an experiment and discuss how it went (for the kids) afterwards. I am feeling pretty good about how things are going with coparenting with my H...we are both putting the kids first, and we have been mostly respectful in areas of controversy.

3.) We have MC tonight @ 4. Should I say I want to continue or should I say no "He just needs to go to IC instead?"

I'm not sure about this. I wish I was in MC with H right now, because it would be a chance to show how I've shifted in my thinking about our R. I really admire how Kalni followed up a talk with her H, with a MC session where she really laid things out for her H. OTOH, Kalni is at a much more advanced stage of detachment than you and I are, and I don't think that we can fake that.

4.) Should I ask for the house key when he moves out? The key fobs for my vehicle?

I consider our home, our cars, and most of our possessions to be shared assets and I would not feel entitled to remove H's access to them. OTOH, I am entitled to privacy now. H has been respectful and he has not dropped by without warning, used my computer or invaded my privacy in any way. If he was not respecting my privacy I would set a boundary about that in a big way.

If I've given you bad advice I'll share the 2x4s with you .

You can do this.

[flowmom]

I could echo Flowmom's advice about only worrying about the present, but since I am a total failure at that, I can only say "it sure seems like a good idea!"

I'm not pretending that I'm great at this, but sometimes it helps to say to myself "what is happening right now?". I usually find that the intolerable part of my experience isn't what's happening right now, it's my thoughts about the past/future. Then sometimes I can choose to challenge those thoughts.

If you've been through labour without pain relief, you probably know that you're OK if you just stick with focusing on what's happening in your body at that moment. It might be painful but you can handle it. It's when you start getting scared -- "I can't handle this for 2 more hours" -- "I'm too tired, I can't possibly keep doing this until I'm fully dilated", etc. -- that the pain feels unbearable. I had to use mental discipline to get through it. I don't know if that analogy works for you...