I agree...and after having another episode this morning of thinking about what's going on between her and OM I have no interest in pursuing.
oh what a liar I am.
not that I've done anything yet...but the wheels are turning...the ones that usually make matters worse. I was thinking back to the text conversation I had with my ex last night...and how I asked if she had ideas for solutions that would make us both happy.
In another marriage help document I had read a month or so ago, one of the scenarios in it involved a husband whose wife who was having an affair. The wife was asked by a counselor to have lunch with her husband twice a week for several months so that she could let the counselor know what his progress was. Supposedly, the OM lost interest in the wife and became jealous that she was spending time with her H.
That made me start thinking...would that be possible in my sitch? Would this OM eventually become jealous if my ex and I had family meals a few times per week?
I was working out at the gym...and this idea came to me. It's really not that novel of an idea...basically what we were doing last week before all hell broke loose on Friday.
But...my ex (and probably all of you) would likely see this as pursuit and pressure. And even if she did go for it, I would have to be able to accept that while we're doing this stuff together, she and the OM are being intimate with one another. And I would have to accept that despite all the time we spend together, it may never go beyond a friendship...the OM might not even get jealous and my ex might not ever re-develop romantic feelings.
It's a huge gamble and the odds of a payoff are slim to none. Plus I would be going back on my boundary...which if it hasnt already, sends the message that I can be pushed around while my ex cake eats.
But she wants us to get along and be friends. She violated the boundary she set (of turning my own around on me) by her messages last night.
I've actually written everything down that I was thinking about...almost like a business contract. That alone should tell me that it's not worth doing...that I have to draw up a contract in the hopes of reuniting my family.
I laid out that I would like a few phone calls after work to chitchat, along with chitchat when she picks up/drops off D3. I wrote that I wouldnt expect intimacy or physical contact beyond a hug and maybe cuddling if appropriate and given the go ahead. I also wrote that she would be allowed to suggest doing more than what was laid out but I would have to abide by things as laid out...as in no pressuring for more time together.
But I see two points of contention that I dont think she would ever go for...one is that, to use her words "whatever happens, happens"...as in I wont have the expectation of it being more but she cant hold back if she does start to feel something more than just a friendship. The other that she will likely never go for is my wanting one Friday night per month where she and I do a non-family activity together.
Friday nights/weekends are usually her time with the OM, and so aside from it cutting into their time, even for just one night a month, it would be just her and I. So I doubt she'll go for that.
Anyway I havent said anything to her about it yet...and I may not.
I mean...if I leave her alone and give things a few months, she might indeed lose interest in OM on her own. With my luck that's unlikely...but it's worked for others.
