SSM, Yes, there are lots of unmarried women who have affairs with married men. Perhaps "desperate" is the wrong word--studies show that they're reacting to dysfunctions in their family of origin situation or childhood relationships. Some hated the way their fathers fooled around on their mothers and unconsciously avoid being in the unhappy-wife category; some are looking for a father-figure because their fathers showed too little--or too much--attention to them as girls; some want to compete with the wife to "win" or see someone hurt as much as they did, etc etc. As you mention, many are just broken women who are afraid to find someone who is emotionally available.
You seem to want to demonstrate that the women you know who choose affairs over genuine relationships are strong and healthy? They're not. People with self-respect do not cheat themselves out of either half of a fulfilling relationships--either the sexual passion or the emotional bond.
You say you've been "up-front" about your whole relationship with "anyone to whom it might matter." It's telling that the one person one might assume it mattered the most to--your wife--is the one with whom you've never been up-front.
One of the most unloving things you can do to your partner is to claim that you're making your choices "to protect her," without ever giving her enough respect to be allowed to have any input. It's not a very impressive "love" you have for your wife, which allows you to treat her as though she were too weak and fragile to hear the truth and make her own choices.
Sure, as all your posts keep pointing out, there are lots of messed-up people in the world who work hard to keep from changing and growing. But why do you spend so much time defending poor choices as though the scr&wed-up norm was a good place to be?
