My wife said that maybe she could work on the M but she did not think it would work. I told her I would not accept a half assed attempt, all or nothing, because we tried the half assed attempt before and this is where it got us. 2 days later she came to the shower I was taking and told me she had got an IC and will try harder. I told her then I will try hard as well.
I feel like such a fool!!!! I feel like I’m doing all the work. H is defiantly not committed to working on M yet. He just wants to spend some fun time together to see if he can fall back in love with me, I hate this!!!!
He is still talking with OW, and still claims they are just friends, and the kiss they had was not passionate, just a friend kiss. What a bunch of BS.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take. A good friend of his told me that if I show him we can have fun and be happy, he will have no reason to talk to this OW anymore. I’ve been told by several people, including my H about how controlling I am (which is true, I’ve learned that about myself through this whole ordeal). And the friends tell me if I tell H to drop all contact with OW, it will come across as controlling and push my H further away.
According to DB’ing I’m supposed to make me out to be the better choice. However this is so hard, how do I be all upbeat and happy when I can’t trust a word that comes out of his mouth.
I ended up not being able to talk to OWH on Monday, so now I have to wait until next Monday. I hope with him knowing more details that will help my sitch.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
This friend who's recommended this to you . . . what are his credentials? Does he have experience with infidelity, and the best way to combat it?
I can only tell you what worked for me, and what I have seen work in studying literally thousands of affairs over the past several years. And the "Little Bo-Peep" approach ain't it.
You're not understanding the difference between boundaries and controlling ultimatums. Let me try to help you.
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HIM, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OW" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting her by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if he doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
The rejection from my H is what is so hard. For 16 years he had always been the caring, I love you, touchy feely person in our M. I was always the cold; don't have time, not now wife. Now the tables have turned, and I know how he has felt for so many years. However, I feel like I'm being so desperate and emotional, which is not me that was always him. So some of my 180's are to be more affectionate, but I think that is coming across as pursing him. This whole thing just sucks!!!!!!
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I took a very tough stance with my wife, and with her affair, WHILE doing the "become the better option" thing. I believe that this "hybrid" approach -- aggressive confrontation & exposure, firm boundaries, cut off all financial enabling, strong legal stance; coupled with DBing principles such as GAL, "be the better option," 180s, etc. -- is what works best when there is active infidelity involved.
Puppy, What you say makes perferct since. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells around my H, like I can't say anything or else he'll take it as controlling. I need to practice in the mirror with the boundries.
Friend has not creditinals at all, just that him and his wife went through a similar sitch about 5 years ago. So I know not to take what he say's to heart.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Well, I obviously have no credentials either, but I do know what WORKS. "Be their best friend, with NO BOUNDARIES," is a recipe for disaster. It enables him and strengthens his sense of entitlement, while killing YOUR self-esteem.
Also, the approach COMPLETELY ignores the whole fact that people in affairs are ADDICTS.
