Spouse Suffering From Depression

[Lucky11too]

So I read the infidelity section yesterday in DR. And yes I did skip over it the first time b/c I was so focused on the depression. I want to deal with these feelings healthly, so I think DR can help me do it. I think it's all setting in today. Saturday and Sunday I felt amazingly calm about the whole situation but I think it was just because my emotions were in shock. Today I'm really starting to feel the anger. I think about the Vegas trip and how he was telling me how he was so excited about spending the following week with me and Thanksgiving, all the while when he was planning this trip with OW2. It's sicking and makes me feel so deceived. Also what angers me is that he said he wanted to take me on a little trip but that he was too busy to get away until after football season (mid December). Then I look at the bills and see how he spent $150 on a sushi dinner together and then another about $150-200 at various bars around Vegas (note that he got hit with about an additional $150 in ovedraft fees b/c he was spending money he didn't have). Also frustrating is that before the Veags trip he deposited the $200 his parents gave him which covered most of this trip. If only they knew what they were financing!!! It's hard b/c I don't know how the interaction is between them. H says I overthink it b/c he thinks I think that he treats them in the same "loving" way he treats me (or used to treat me). I don't know. I just can't imagine what possessed him to go thru with this in the first place. Thinking back now how he played it off that he just needed to get away, but it wasn't like some last minute thing - it was planned at least a week if not more as i can verify by his texts to me of being "busy" that weekend. He said he felt guilty and he was only thinking about me when he was there, but if that was true, why didn't he respond to my texts? He obviously had no problem texting other girls in front of me (I'm assuming that b/c he was so secretive about his texting). And somehow I don't buy the whole couch thing either. You're going to go all the way to Vegas with a girl, spend all this money on her, and then just sleep on a lumpy couch (if the room any had a couch! - He said that the Tropicana had one of the cheaper rooms so I've never seen a cheap room with a couch!). I guess the overall feeling is just feeling so deceived - me beleiving he was trying to make progress with me while he was still have this (emotional?) relationship with her.

I have to write these feelings out b/c I need to get them out of my system. Going back to DR, it was great to read it to get some understanding of my feeling - that it is completely normal and healthy to have these feelings. I just have to now deal with them healthily. I've identified the reasons the affair happened (H was good at explaining this)- the section about being too critical hit home. I was sitting there giving him a hard time ahout not being home and drinking etc (valid, but not a good way to handle) and then here was OW2 who thinks he is the most wonderful person in the world, gives him attention, cooks for him, takes care of him, and who didn't care if he drank b/c she was just as much of an alcoholic herself. (H actually ended up firing her b/c she came to work drunk and then another time never showed up to work b/c she was passed out drunk in a parking lot somewhere - where H had to rescue her [he told me this when it happened but I just never understood the context it happened under. I had wondered why he went to 'save' her. Now I know. Probably just trying to get H's attention though since he finally rejected her]). So not an excuse for him to have the affair, but it gives me some understanding. With him though, instead of him communicating the issues he was having with our M, he just turned to other women to fill the voids.

Last thought about DR is how it talks about the need to forgive and doing that b/c you need to do that for yourself! I want to forgive and let the past be the past but I'm having that slight block of that fact that he shouldn't get off so easy for this. What he did was wrong and he should suffer the consequences for it. But that is not a healty attitude to have. It apparently is in the past as far as H is concerned (both OW and OW2 have moved away), but I'm having difficulty letting it go and fear it happening again. All normal feelings, but just need to start working thru them. It makes it a little more difficult to move past these feelings though when I still don't feel like H is taking responsibility for his actions. The way it came off is that (paraphrasing) "yes these things happened but it was because there was a void in my life that you caused". Also, b/c it wasn't a physical affair, he doesn't recognize it as an such so the responses that he should have as the affair causing spouse (reassuring etc), he doesn't feel the need to do. Hmm, I don't know. I think I'm going to purchase the "not just friends" book to get more insight now that I know there was an affair involved.

So interactions with H since. On saturday night, he texts that he wants to come over after work for some physical intimacy. I shot him down saying, "well let's see how we both feel after work. We both had long nights last night". (b/c I never went back to sleep after his 3:30 drunk call). So I never heard back from him after that. Surprise surprise. On Sunday he calls (not texts) about coming over. I really needed to go to the store to get S some diapers and other items, but H is not into that. Instead he's like let's go to this adult store and have lunch at this expensive bbq place. But that's just not going to work - I'm not having anyone watch S and we don't have money for that expensive place. He ends up coming over anyways (for about 1.5 hours) and I just make us lunch and we play with S and S had a great time playing with H. H just seemed kind of off though. His mood had changed a lot from the previous day. Depsite everything that was being discussed, he had been open and loving. He just seemed very closed up yesterday. But now I feel like I'm in a bind. I'm dealing with these emotions right now but on the other hand, H is vulnerable right now that I don't want to miss the chance to fill the voids that were previously filled by the two OW's. Those girls are gone so I want to take my space back! But still on the other hand, H just has all his own issues to deal with still so I can't discuss us too much. So I feel like I want to just step back and let him do all the iniating, but also not miss out on the opportunity. So yeah, definitely just trying to navigate thru all this. =\

[awest1217]

First, it is ok to be angry and to stay angry. Anger takes a while to get out of the system so don't feel bad that you haven't forgiven him yet. Second, you can forgive someone without forgetting what they have done. You can say H did wrong and still have forgiven him. Lastly, you don't want to fill all of his voids. He is still drinking and getting drunk on a regular basis. If you start filling all of his voids, then you are just helping him. You to set a boundary for that and stick with it (a support group will help with the alcoholic part). Some of the voids these other two women filled were being his drinking girls. You aren't one of them. I understand wanting to make dinner and listen. Those to me are alright, but H has many voids that he needs to learn to fill for himself. He will never get over the depression or drinking otherwise.

He is making progress, but I caution you to make sure you take time to really get over this new hurdle yourself. Telling H that you need some space to process the new information is not being mean. Be honest if you don't want to hang out. Just like you don't want him to give you a false sense of hope; don't act like everything is completely ok when you need some space. Just say you need some time to process, but give an alternative like you did on Sunday. Watch for enabling behavior. Stay strong and take time for you!

[Lucky11too]

Thanks for the input. Very helpful. It's been a hard day b/c I've just been so distracted thinking about everything that I'm not getting much work done. Grr. I haven't heard anything from H today, but I don't think it's my job to initiate any contact at this point, right? I had a brief thought to ask him how his day was going, but immediately stopped myself b/c that is what he should be doing to me - to be reassuring and letting me know I'm in his thoughts. (I know he's in a down stage right now, but cmon, you just admitting to me to having a pretty intense emotional affair!) Part of me just wants to get together with H, have a sit down talk, and just work all these issues out, but I just don't think the timing is right yet. I suppose I could let him know where I am regarding everything, but any R talk should probably be held off until he makes more personal progress. I want him to know I continue to support him & our M despite his bad choices, but I don't want to come off as too over zealous either. So many fine lines to walk...

[Lucky11too]

So, I'm annoyed with myself. I went against my better judgement (above). My MIL told me that H seemed down today when he came over to see S. So since I still never heard a word from him all day, before I went to bed, I sent him the text, "hey, your mom said you seemed down today. Are you doing ok?" He responds "I have been down for like two weeks now". Ok, that's a little colder of a response then I was hoping for, so trying to be empathetic, I reply, "I know. Unfortunately these ups and downs are just part of the whole depression cycle. But I know it's been a particularly tough and angry one for you. =\ But luckily what goes down must come back up so just look forward to those happier times again - likes times with your sexy momma!;-)" (That's what he calls me sometimes, so I was trying to get to his playful side again). But all I got was a big fat nothing! I'm annoyed at him for being cold and unresponsive, but I'm also annoyed at myself for initiating the contact in the first place. So now, I've resolved to sit back and let him drive. I think he just put that fear in me that b/c I wasn't there for him before, that if I'm not here for him now, he'll find someone else again to fill those voids. But it's like I'm trying to "save" him from all these negative feelings, but unless he is open to it and to me, it's pointless. So I don't know, I'm trying to be patient, but just still trying to deal witht the loneliness again and all the other emotions that are coming and going.

[awest1217]

It is definitely a roller coaster. What has been helping me, when it seems like H and I won't talk for a day, I just keep on going. I plan my life and if H asks then I change it if I want to. For example last Thursday, I planned dinner and even made dinner. At 6 H texts me to ask to go out to eat, so I just packed up the dinner for another night and went out. I would suggest to you to (after the loniness passes, which may take a few days) resolve to live your life. Be flexible in case H calls or text and wants to do something and you are willing, but otherwise just live life like he is not a part of it. If he wants to be a part of it, he will come along, if not, you already have your life and although it is hard to live without H, you will at least know where you stand and be able to move on.

[Lucky11too]

That makes a lot sense. Good advice. I know you just went thru a similar stage like this, so I really appreciate that input. I was thinking about Valentines day. No word from H on that yet, but my single girlfriends were going to go out for fondue for a girls night out. So going along that line, I'm going to plan to do that (if I can find someone to watch S - way too active for fancy restaurants), and if H wants to do something, then I can decide then. I like it. Living my life (but I can still see it being a little hard not to think about what H is up to, right. But I'm sure that's normal).

Just some of the things on my mind right now too - so yes, Valentine's Day in less than 2 weeks, our 4 year anniversary in a month (March 4th) and then my birthday a month later (April 3rd). Lots of things coming up, but don't know what to expect from them... Hopefully I'll have more clarity as these events come around.

[awest1217]

I suggest just take everything one week at a time. Don't plan anything too far in advance because you don't know where things will be, but if something comes up you can plan and always change your mind if H calls. What is great about this is that you are now in control. You are controlling your life and not H. You get to plan what to do and instead of sitting around wondering what H is doing, you have something to do. I know this is harder with S, but just plan things even with him. You will still wonder what H is doing, but it won't bog you down because you are doing something yourself, and honestly then it gives you something to talk about.

This is truly GALing. You are making your life and taking back control so you aren't sitting at home thinking "i don't want to plan anything in case H calls or texts or wants to do something". It is very liberating. For example, this weekend, I have had planned for a while to go with our youth group to the annual youth conference. H and I are doing well, but S and I are going alone. I am not even inviting him. Partially because I have plans and if H comes it will change them (family stuff), partially because he has gone one at least 5 trips I know of with OW without me so I can go on one without him. I think it is making H a little jealous and helping him realize how I feel when i am left at home.

You go ahead and start planning and that way you are having fun. Plus this will help rejuvenate you so you can continue the roller coaster ride.

[Lucky11too]

I know the first few days are the roughest, but I just can't believe how much it's getting to me. I guess it's just b/c I don't understand what's going on with H. It's not like we had a big fight or a blow up, so I just really don't understand why he's ignoring me. Yes, still nothing from H. Another thing that gets me is that on Saturday after we had our discussion about everything, H was really positive about us. We discussed what we were right now and he was said that we could be "seeing each other". Good by me, taking it slow to kind of get to know each other again after a year of separation. But if we're "seeing each other", shouldn't we, uh, be seeing each other? So just feeling really frustrated b/c I don't get it!

[awest1217]

Something to help. When you first start dating someone, do you see them every day? This is what was hard for me. When H and I first started dating, and probably the same with you, we were in high school so we saw each other every day so it went straight to being a couple. You are a couple and married, but when truly dating, you may not talk every day. That is where going out and GALing is so important so that you aren't the one sitting waiting for the phone call.

It is hard, and it took me 4 days, and seeing H was having OW sleep over 4 days after our fight and not talking to me, to finally say enough is enough and really do what I have suggested. Give yourself some time. You will get there. Whatever you do, don't contact him first. This time he started the not talking so he should end it.

Stay strong.

[Lucky11too]

Thanks. I needed that hand slap. I was tempted to reach for the phone right now. But you're right, if you take the analogy that we are dating and working up from there, you wouldn't necessary talk every day (at least in the very beginning dating stages, but it always seems to work up quickly from there). It's just hard to backtrack b/c I got use to talking to him every day and him spending time with me and S. It's hard too knowing that he's in a bad place right now and wanting to be there for him, but I put it out there the other night and he wasn't responsive, so I know I definitely can't keep pushing it. I just wish I understood what caused this change in him b/c as he said, he's been down the past two weeks, but had continued to maintain daily contact and occasional vistis, so what's changed now? (besides him admitting to me that he had 2 emotional affairs!). So why is he the one upset??? Oh, just must stay strong!