My story, what to do next.

[digger22]

I really need to work on just validating her feelings and really looking at everything through her POV. I am really enjoying my life and know that everything is going to be just fine for me. I feel like I grow stronger every day. I know that their is always going to be some setbacks, I just have to learn from my mistakes and keep up my positive attitude.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

ok, but you really didn't answer my question. I was trying to point out what I felt was a pretty important distinction, but whatever.

Puppy

[Steve McQueen]

I just want to come to peace with my situation and be able to find the man that I had lost during our M. I end the night asking to ML in a flirty sort of way (I am in a very confident, playful mood and it doesn't matter what she says) She smiles and says that "we can't do that". I smile and tell her playfully to Get the f---k out of the house you sl-t. She smiles and is on her way.

are you serious?

did talking like this work for you in the past?

[digger22]

Sorry Pdt,
I think I posted again before I read your reply.
I know that she feels that I didn't stand up for her the way that she wanted me to in the past. But imo I did stand up for her in the best way I knew how then. Every time I say i'm sorry ,it must be hard for you, or i'm sorry you feel that way she calls b.s on me because that is what they teach at her work on how to deal with disgruntled employees. Looking through her eyes I know that she feels like she didn't get the love and respect she thinks she deserves from my family, but at the same time, she is guilty of doing the same to them (imo).

IDK I need to go back to validating 101.

[digger22]

Steve,
Very playful, just having fun and it was taken that way.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks for the clarification, 22.

I think the trick is to find phrases that are authentic for YOU. Just like with compliments -- they have to be sincere. If you screwed up, and were wrong, then you own it with a true apology (not one of those lame "mistakes were made"/"I regret if you were offended," Washington-type ones -- a REAL one). And if not, then you validate with something that's value-neutral, yet sincere.

If "I'm really sorry you feel that way," or "That must have been hard for you" doesn't ring as "authentic" with the way you speak, then maybe a "God, I gotta imagine that would SUCK!" or something else that is 'you'.

I'd give you more, but those were all taught in "Validating 202," and I skipped most of the time cuz it was an 8am lecture hall.

Puppy

[digger22]

W came over today to pick up kids and figure out long term plan for kids scheduling. W usually gets up at 5 and works till 4, 5 days a week. I used to be the one that got kids off to school/ daycare and was home for them in time to get them back in the house. I told W I decided it was only fair that we split our days up and kid responsibilities so that I have an equal opportunity to get my work duties done. She goes off and says her job is not that flexible ...blah blah .. Whatever, we figure out a reasonable plan where we will basically split the kids every two days and mix up weekends.

The day goes on and we head to the bank to set up her own checking. In the past day we have realized that we won't be getting much if anything back from taxes (have been getting around 8k back for the past 3 years), our savings has dwindled down about 15k since the bomb, and we don't have the 2k to facilitate the D. We also have a well we need to get drilled before we sell our rental house 5K and 1/2 taxes coming up for 3K. All this is starting to get to her she goes off about finances and that we both do so well, but don't have nothing to show for it. She says that I need someone that likes to take risks like me, blames me for our finances. ect... I throw it on top that I am not sure we could get a loan to handle this, but she could certainly try. (i like stirring the fire)
Finally says that she will ask her mom for the money to get D done although she feels bad since she makes 6 figures.

I have been doing real well with validating lately. Felt her concerns and let her know that I didn't really expect all of this to come up now and I hadn't figured it into the budget. I tell her that I to am looking forward to a simpler life, but I don't let our financial concerns get to me. I stayed totally calm all day and she was off the hook. (it was nice to have the old W back. She has been way too calm the last month) One problem I am having is that she really likes to tell me how I feel/ think about things. EG I don't love her, I like to live in chaos. I have just been listening and correcting her or tell to not tell me how I feel... is this the proper way?

Anyway, starting a new job next week until construction season picks up. My business has been getting a lot of calls these past few weeks so spring is looking good for work. The job I will be starting I will probably make in 3 months what i could make in 2 weeks with my company, but it just seems like a good thing to do. Less time to think about the D and also puts a little pressure on W to start wearing her big girl panties with responsibility with the kids.

Anyways, the W ends up calling after she leaves and says that she is sorry, she doesn't blame everything on me and is truly sorry with all her heart for telling me how I feel.

[digger22]

Drop S7 off at W house after school. She wants to talk more, see if I have done any more thinking about money.. I tell her yes but I really have no solutions to the money sitch. She gets pretty emotional, tells me she never married me with the intention of getting Divorced. Also says she knows that her actions are causing a big drain on the finances. She says that everything that she has been reading just confirms to her that we could never work, we did everything wrong. I tell her I agree that we did do everything wrong, I just wonder how it would be if we actually did them right. She apologizes for hurting us with her actions. What? W you were wrong? Can't say I've heard that in 15 years.
Oh well just day in limbo land. Got to get out and watch brother play some basketball.

[digger22]

Just my own observation of yesterday. It seems as thought after a good day of validating my WAS did soften. In her body language and actions I could actually feel some sort of remorse. Obviously, not much but definitely some. I feel that it was a good day to build on. I also think that my truth darts actually stuck a little bit after I had given her a good listening session.

[digger22]

couple of thoughts on today.
Brother has a birthday party today. (side of my fam. that wife doesn't get along too well with). Yesterday, I call and ask if I would be able to pick up the kids and take them to the party for a couple of hours (it is her day). Here is the convo. W "they never get together for his birthday why are they doing it now?" M IDK W "well sure, are you going to sign the card from all of us?" M sure W "o.k just text me before you are coming to get them and I will have them ready". She also tells me to let my mom know that she will drop the kids off at 8:00 am tomorrow.

My question is that W and my mom definitely have tension over the whole sitch. along with past problems. My w has made it clear that she doesn't appreciate my Mom's coldness towards her and that I never stood up for her (in the way she wanted) in the past. IDK if I should remind my mom that she needs to respect W's feelings and treat her fairly, or if it is better to just let them handle it themselves. That way their is tension, some chaos. ect... Remember W said last week that when she has thought of reconciling with me, she keeps being reminded of how bad my family treats her and just knows it could never work.

Opportunity for me to step in and make it right? any thoughts would be great.