She must be seeing a lawyer...what now?

[Awoken]

I've got some true GAL coming up for valentine's weekend. I'm performing in NY, with my favorite musicians. We have a deep bond, it's friendship but also something a little unique among musicians. It's a true joy for me.

In the past, I thought that W really supported me in this part of my career. She's a musician herself. I travel a lot for gigs, but I truly spend more time with my family than many that work 9-5 jobs. When possible, I would take my family. Often I would take one of the kids, and sometimes both. Our plan had been that when the kids moved out, W could go to all the international places with me. She's been out of the country a few times with me, and we've had a great time.

So...This past spring I had three weeks of touring, spread out over a few months. We discussed it at length before I accepted the gigs, and she seemed sure that I should do them. I tried to get W to come to either the Spain, New York, or Brazil gigs, but she declined saying she was too busy at work. I now know this was a warning sign. A couple of weeks before she dropped the bomb, Someone posted some video on youtube of us performing in NY, and I tried to share it with her. She shocked me by saying "stop rubbing it in my $#ing face!". I was speechless, and just shocked. It was unlike anything she's ever had to say to me before, even with her moodswings. I figured she was having a very bad day, and I would just wait it out. When she dropped the bomb, I had almost forgotten about it.

I'm gonna go to new york, and enjoy sharing music for four days. But in my mind I now have some guilt about how my music has impacted my marriage, that I have never had before. I need to sort it out.

This is bitter-sweet too. When I first started performing, I was driven to go sit-in at jam sessions because my first love broke my heart. (very cliche I know, but I was 19). No one knew me, or anything about me. I would just get up on stage, not caring about anything and just play. One time an older musician, a famous veteran in the music community, leaned over and whispered in my ear "What was her name?"

Now, when I play, I've got some of the same feeling again, heartbroken surrender I guess. Duke Ellington's autobiography is titled "Music is my Mistress". Now I'm worried that music is a guilty pleasure.

It's just more stuff I got to work out.