I agree...and after having another episode this morning of thinking about what's going on between her and OM I have no interest in pursuing. Every time I think about her and OM it tears me up inside. Why she cant comprehend why I feel like that and would want to hang around me essentially reminding me of the betrayal is beyond me.
I really dont care what she says or thinks about what she's done...to me she will always be a cheater and the OM will always be what stood in the way of my family reuniting.
I agree...and after having another episode this morning of thinking about what's going on between her and OM I have no interest in pursuing.
oh what a liar I am.
not that I've done anything yet...but the wheels are turning...the ones that usually make matters worse. I was thinking back to the text conversation I had with my ex last night...and how I asked if she had ideas for solutions that would make us both happy.
In another marriage help document I had read a month or so ago, one of the scenarios in it involved a husband whose wife who was having an affair. The wife was asked by a counselor to have lunch with her husband twice a week for several months so that she could let the counselor know what his progress was. Supposedly, the OM lost interest in the wife and became jealous that she was spending time with her H.
That made me start thinking...would that be possible in my sitch? Would this OM eventually become jealous if my ex and I had family meals a few times per week?
I was working out at the gym...and this idea came to me. It's really not that novel of an idea...basically what we were doing last week before all hell broke loose on Friday.
But...my ex (and probably all of you) would likely see this as pursuit and pressure. And even if she did go for it, I would have to be able to accept that while we're doing this stuff together, she and the OM are being intimate with one another. And I would have to accept that despite all the time we spend together, it may never go beyond a friendship...the OM might not even get jealous and my ex might not ever re-develop romantic feelings.
It's a huge gamble and the odds of a payoff are slim to none. Plus I would be going back on my boundary...which if it hasnt already, sends the message that I can be pushed around while my ex cake eats.
But she wants us to get along and be friends. She violated the boundary she set (of turning my own around on me) by her messages last night.
I've actually written everything down that I was thinking about...almost like a business contract. That alone should tell me that it's not worth doing...that I have to draw up a contract in the hopes of reuniting my family.
I laid out that I would like a few phone calls after work to chitchat, along with chitchat when she picks up/drops off D3. I wrote that I wouldnt expect intimacy or physical contact beyond a hug and maybe cuddling if appropriate and given the go ahead. I also wrote that she would be allowed to suggest doing more than what was laid out but I would have to abide by things as laid out...as in no pressuring for more time together.
But I see two points of contention that I dont think she would ever go for...one is that, to use her words "whatever happens, happens"...as in I wont have the expectation of it being more but she cant hold back if she does start to feel something more than just a friendship. The other that she will likely never go for is my wanting one Friday night per month where she and I do a non-family activity together.
Friday nights/weekends are usually her time with the OM, and so aside from it cutting into their time, even for just one night a month, it would be just her and I. So I doubt she'll go for that.
Anyway I havent said anything to her about it yet...and I may not.
I mean...if I leave her alone and give things a few months, she might indeed lose interest in OM on her own. With my luck that's unlikely...but it's worked for others.
I def dont know everything- but I would not do it. Here's the deal- the only way for anything to work out for you two is for her to want to come back. I tried Plan A and being the better option- I could have done a better job but was not detatched, so any injustice sent me flying off the handle. She knows everything you're going to say to her, she knows how you feel, she's just not there right now- the oxytocin and such causes trust for OM and amnesia for you. I would just keep doing what you were doing w/ NC and GAL, PMA, and detatch- DETATCH!!! It doesnt matter what shes doing- she's not doing it w/ you. She knows where you live and shes not there, she knows its morning and she's not saying good morning to you, etc, etc, etc. Make her wonder, let her A fizzle, and then maybe you'll give her another chance when/if she comes around. I know it's a hard pill to swallow- just do it anyway. I'm there w/ you- I'm telling myself these same things every day.
Yeah. I think the hardest pill to swallow would really be doing all that for months and months and then finding out she still isnt interested. Essentially I would be right back where I am now. And yeah the slightest injustice would indeed set me off.
I mean...I have to get over the fact that her and the OM are doing things sexually...because whether I'm in her life or not its still goin to happen. I'm not happy about it...him putting his hamds all over somone I love and care so much about. And as I said this split is still so fresh and for him to come in so soon he's obviously taking advantage of the situation...plus it still feels like cheating even if it isnt technically.
But you're right, staying with NC and such is still a very big pill to swallow.
"Chitchat" and "cuddle," all in the same paragraph.
'nuff said.
Puppy
well puppy I said people would likely view it as pressure. I can even see that.
but as I said I havent even brought it up to her and may not. if I did, I could always weed out the things I think she would object to beforehand. but then if I do that, I would likely end up with something I'm not happy with.
I mean if a couple of family lunches/activites each week and nothing else would accomplish as much as the whole thing I laid out it would be worth doing. But I think all that would do is satisfy her while leaving me hanging. Essentially it would be better to do nothign than to do that.
Your W will NEVER be interested in you as long as she is with OM.
The best gift you can give yourself and your daughter at this time is to work on you. Work on controlling your emotions and work on controlling your highly reactive behavior.
The only way to work on your issues is to remove yourself from this volatile situation. The constant thoughts of OM and your W do nothing more than fuel your reactive behavior and your desire to pursue.
Stop using your daughter as a pawn. It is unfair and cruel. As you can see by reading thousands of other situations often times the idea of a destroyed family, children, illness, death or any other major life force still is not powerful enough to bring back a WAS.
I went to the bookstore to pick up some reading material. While I dont know how helpful it will be, I got Gray's Mars and Venus Starting over, Glass' Not "just friends", and Spring's After the Affair.
Earlier today, and on the way back home from the bookstore I broke down. I just kept thinking why couldnt either my ex or the OM give it 6 months before they got together? over and over that went through my mind.... of course I believe they were likely together emotionally before she left me. that makes me feel even worse.
oh well...at least I have some things to read over the next few days. maybe it can help me heal a little.
