(Only a desperate woman messes around with a married man.)
I disagree. There are several other categories of women, including those who want a no-strings attached relationships, or those who want just the trysts, but have careers or other pursuits and don't want deep invovlements. You might try to generalize the definition to fit all these women if you'd like. The only problem is I know personally of several such women. One was professionally very successful, and at one point in her career, she very much deliberately decided to carry on an affair with a man who was pretty much in my position for about 15 years, as she wanted to pursue her career about 100 hours a week, and did not want to spend time having an otherwise full relationship or kids, etc., and didn't have to worry about the man feeling "alone" all those other hours. Her family disagreed with that of course, etc. But "desparate" is not a word anyone would have used to describe her. She was attractive and smart, and it was very much a practical decision on her part. Now, many years later, she is happily married with kids.
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The worst thing I had to do in my whole life was to call my mistress and tell her it was over for us. I broke this woman's heart.
I totally understand that, and I've been careful to be totally up-front about my whole situation with anyone to whom it might matter.
As an aside, and not in response to your comment, I never understood why some guys feel they need to lie and say they're not married just to get some woman to sleep with them. There are plenty of women around who want to sleep with you because you're married, because it means you're not going to stalk them afterwards. Or because if you're married, you've got the stamp of approval, or because you're deliciously "unavailable" and they're having fun breaking the taboo, or they're secretly getting even on a cheating husband and getting to play the part of the "other woman". Or because a married guy has probably slept with fewer women than the same bunch of perpetually singe guys they've run into at every singles function in town for the last 10 years. If you don't believe that, you haven't gotten out much.
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I was also ripping my wife's heart apart. I could only have ONE. I could not live a double-life and have fulfillment at the same time. My woman needed all of my focus.
I totally understand that. Totally.
But let me ask you a question. Do you think your wife would have come around if you had NOT had this outside relationship? Unfortunately, I think the harsh reality is that this "shock" was necessary. In fact, your behavior might have been instinctive. There are too many stories of blokes who've just lovingly stuck by their wives as celibate monks for years, and their wives take them for granted. No amount of flowers etc., love and consideration work. Even threats of leaving don't work. I've seen this play itself out in several of my friends' relationships over the years. It's nice to talk about the "mistake", but clearly, in some cases, the "mistake" was NECESSARY. Sorry, but it really is clear in one case I can think of. The wife was totally obstinate, even after he said repeatedly that he was going to leave. Even had divorce papers out. Even moved to an apartment. She thought it was all a bluff. It wasn't until he actually left the apartment and moved in with another woman that she finally "got religion" and everything changed. Then she did everything to get him back. Suddenly he was "hot property" worth competing for again. It was fascinating to watch.
