A MAN does not REACT... he RESPONDS. He plans his actions and follows through with his plan -- ignoring the emotions.
Keep a tight reign on your emotions. Think of this as a math problem and it needs time to solve. While you're waiting on my long post in response... go click on my name and read some of my other posts to people.
Others you should read up on are Gucci and Robx and Puppy Dog Tails.
So where were we... she flew out to see her lover on Jan 15. This is what we can ASSUME (which is dangerous... but I think an accurate enough assumption...) She tasted her apple and it didn't taste as good as she thought it would. She told her lover that she was there to stay. That she had abandoned everything to be with him and how they would finally be together as "destiny" had determined. They would now be able to live out their dreams. The OM, once he got what he wanted, dumped her... Who knows why... but we can definitely arrive at the conclusion that the bubble has popped. During the time that she was getting her rocks off, you struggled for seven days with NC.
Brings us up to Jan 22. She decides to call you. She throws some crumbs your way to gauge you and see if you are still hanging around as plan B... because Plan A had gone to shirt.You complied by entertaining her questions and going along with her "small talk" for FIFTEEN WHOLE MINUTES... before you woke up and cut the call.
Jan 25 She decides to cast the line again... and feeds you a line of text laden with lies. "Haven't went anywhere, just spending quality time with Wanda {cousin] and Ellen {col friend}, no men involved, no regrets to worry about, just so you know". The part in bold is a LIE. If her intentions were so pure and virginal she would NEVER have even had to mention those three words. She was trying to placate you.
AND HERE IS WHERE YOU BROKE THE CHAIN: You DID NOT comply.
You did the best thing by NOT responding to her text. Because the results speak for themselves... Dale was FINALLY NOT pursuing. She was sitting there for five and a half hours waiting for a reply from you and in the end her anxiety got the best of her. She just had to "mis-dial" you and ensure that you got her text. YOU DID A GREAT JOB there with your response to her. I see you're starting to "get it" and beginning to see how when you STOP pursuing the WAS... and the A is over... the WAS pursues you. Remember this rule. Memorize it. Get it into your head.
Jan 29:
Originally Posted By: Dale
talked 30 min. Told of many diff feelings. Said she realized she had needed an escape, but felt it was like a 'fantasy' in her mind.
She's reeling you back in. She decides that now that she has tested out Plan A... maybe Plan B (Dale) isn't such a bad option after all. You complied by listening and validating. You didn't do too badly here, but you still complied. Relax, I'll give you more kudos further on down...
Before I continue I hope you've woken up to your relationship dynamic: She decides -> You comply
Dale from this point forward THIS IS GOING TO CHANGE. I will tell you how to regain your dignity. You are in an ideal position and from now on YOU are going to call the shots.
Give me a break! What are we doing here, war games? This is not a war, and you will not win if she loses. Just as she wasn't winning when you were losing.
Gnosis is a self-admitted male chauvinist who is divorcing his own wife. Why do you take marital advice from him?
If your wife wants to reconcile, and you think you might want to reconcile, then get yourselves to a real marriage counselor. It's time to stop playing games and get some real help. Sheesh!
Give me a break! What are we doing here, war games? This is not a war, and you will not win if she loses. Just as she wasn't winning when you were losing.
Gnosis is a self-admitted male chauvinist who is divorcing his own wife. Why do you take marital advice from him?
If your wife wants to reconcile, and you think you might want to reconcile, then get yourselves to a real marriage counselor. It's time to stop playing games and get some real help. Sheesh!
Lotus butt out. All you do on this board is spout your boiler-plate template one paragraph of advice... i.e. GO TO RETROUVILLE. If you have nothing better to say other than attack me then get lost.
As for me being a male-chauvinist... yes, I am. And I am FAR MORE than only that, but you refuse to look past your snooty nose. Get off your high-horse and actually help someone for a change.
G Told you I'm not used to losing, without a fight.
Do have a question, hope you or someone can help me understand.
In Oct, She left the D papers at my office to sign. [1st time] I had refused, but read them. Couldn't understand that she had filed as if all was settled, no contest on anything physical. House still has some mortgage, but nothing else. Cars, trucks, boat, time shares, retreat, other property, construction equipment, etc, etc. No split, selling, dividing anything. All to stay the same, by 'mutual agreement'. When I asked about it, she said she knew I would never cheat her, she just wanted a divorce to be 'free'.
I had never heard of a D without property settlements. She didn't ask for anything. Would have nothing without it, unless her father died.
This, and her passion for her faith, and 'God's Law's' have been what confused me most. Everyone I know, and her family have said I worry about nothing, should know she would never go through with it, should know her better. Haven't felt it the last 4 month's.
My feelings of her trip lean heavy to what you say. The way she has always been since I met her 27 years ago say diff. But still have too many doubt's from the last few month's to not follow through with 'worst case' possibilities.
I have been to war. No fun there. But no pain like this. Have a MC who is very loving, caring. Has helped me see many faults in myself, as far as relationship's. [Disgusting to see yourself] But she also helped me see, that if worse came to worse, though I would have died for her, I wouldn't die without her either. Doesn't mean I will give up easy either. Hopefully not too stupid to learn something new.
Dale, it's late here where I am (3:30am) and I need to get some sleep. I'll complete where I was tomorrow. We still have time.
As for her passion of faith. There are many people who are driven by faith and strictly religious who have strayed. We are human and fallible. Your wife is no different.
There is the possibility that she did not sleep with him, however the FACTS say she was truly in love with OM. That, if we go by biblical standards, constitutes adultery. The question of whether she did or did not can be answered later. First you need to get her complete commitment to working on the marriage. And that can only be confirmed by consistent actions.
In the meantime try get some rest. You will be getting conflicting advice here. I will share what I think you need to do (which I have not done yet) and others will tell you other things. God has given you a mind and an ability to discern. Use it.
The truth here is that we're only working on about 25% of the facts because people here only share about half of what has happened. The other 50% is your W's viewpoint. So we do the best we can with the information we have available.
I'm not against MC or Retroueville... but to get to those points you need complete "buy-in" from both parties or else they WILL fail.
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
