OK, here's what I've pieced together from what you've shared already...
I want you to carefully examine your relationship dynamic (highlighted in red):
Sep 09 - your W starts an EA with an old flame. She decides to tell you to get lost and tells you to leave your home so she can pursue her new love. What did you do? You complied. You tucked your tail between your legs and left like a good little dog. Then... you ran after her like a lovestruck little puppy. The more you ran towards her the more she shunned you and ran away.
Do you see why pursuit doesn't work?
Nov 09 - She decides to have you over for Thanksgiving. She didn't even have the courtesy to invite you herself! Instead she relayed the message to you via your daughters... VERY NICE. So she threw you a bone and you complied. You leapt at the chance like the good little doggy you are. That day the two of you danced the good behavior dance - and she thought you were on board UNTIL you pursued her. Finally, aAs you left, her TRUE reason was revealed: She wanted the papers signed and you completely out of her way.
Nov 09 - Since kicking you out didn't work and she didn't get what she wanted (D papers and a pocket full of cash) She decides to "allow" you to return home. And like the innocent lamb to the slaughter you complied. So why did she get you to come home then you ask... to degrade you further and treat you like dirt so you can finally get the message that she wants those D papers signed ASAP. But you were not "getting it."
X-mas, and New Years came. Same demands... but oops... Dale is still not complying! Dale, this is the best thing you could have done - NOT SIGNING THE D PAPERS.
She starts throwing you a few crumbs every now and again...
Originally Posted By: Dale
Had started getting thank you's, for the yard, shrubs, things that didn't have to be said. <snip> But still said thank you for little things. Even a pleasant 'good morning, or goodnight' now and then.
You may ask "why"? God only knows... because she was still in the full blown fog of her affair.
Jan 15, 2010 She decides she's had enough of waiting for the D papers and flies out to consummate her EA with her lover. I know you don't want to believe this... What other reason does she have to fly out to home but to go be with her lover. BELIEVE IT. Don't believe a word she says to you to otherwise. Get rid of the denial. This is the truth. When you wouldn't fold on the D, she left you and her kids. She bought a one-way ticket to the "love shack." She tasted the poison apple. Oh... and what did you do? You complied
Now you have to deal with it. Accept that infidelity has happened. My question for you is this:
DO YOU STILL WANT HER BACK NOW?
I won't continue until I have an answer... because I have a lot more to say.
Mind. Yes, the girls are great, all make me proud. God does have a sense of humor. We had one S, then two D. Thought 4 couldn't be bad, might have another boy. Know God was laughing when I found out it wouldn't be a boy, was twin girls.
It was her family, our kids. [mine in diff state] All knew the situation, and she had asked for D.
She wanted a full D. Needed to be 'free' to make her own choices.
Math is my thing, but don't try to keep up with my bad grammer
Contact was FB only that I know. Was told by others she cut that off in Dec. But she never told me. Truth? or not?
D17's home. W said one way. D21 said she left with thought to find cheaper tic back.
And, yes, she is used to me giving her an immediate response, in any situation.
Her request to pick up grandson, be together 3 trips back and forth blindsided me. But so did her call 3 days ago. Talked for 30 minutes, little things she said, but I'm afraid to trust. ie; Everyone was right...Can't go back...All friends have agenda's, lost mine...needed escape...feels like a fantasy...need to find what's real...know D isn't the answer, but feel confused...etc.etc...didn't know if I could forgive her, maybe we need to seperate.
complaints:felt bored, lonely. Economy as it is,I spend more time bidding, too much business, not enough time w/her.
She's never had to work, but don't have the shopping $ as before. Used to give her 500 a week. Now only for bills.
180's. trying to be cosistant in giving complments when poss. spend more time with girls, 4 wheelin, whatever comes to mind. Don't say I love you. Don't try to talk, unless she starts, then try to just answer, not offer or start anything else. If she asks how I am, I'm fantastic, and you? She stops there. At least she did till the last 10 days. Now, seems she has a lot to say, about herself. So I let her talk.
We just completed a restoration/remodel of a 1911 FLW home. Almost three years to finish, and we couldn't live in it for 2 1/2 years. Yes, it was that bad. No offense, but I'm tired of contractors! Ha! I'm sure you're very nice, though...
500 a week, eh? Now, nothing? I'd be ticked, too! j/k
Read G's stuff. It's good. Keep sharing w/us!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Can see so much truth from your view. 'truth hurts' but it's value can't be questioned.
Do I want her back. Can only say at this point "I think so"
Have doubt's which way to think right now, from what she is saying and doing. Did have confirmation from a friend that she has been where she said she was. Heard she told 'him' the game was over, wouldn't meet with him when the time came. Matched what she called and told me, but after no comunication for 4 month's, now suddenly volunteering info, talking about her feelings. I'm having trouble beliving.
She just called again, moments ago, asking about the girls. [They have their own phones, or the house phone, but she called my cell] Told her I would give them the phone. "No, you can tell me, let them finish homework" Told her they were finished. "Thats ok, don't bother them now, it's too late."
She asked a few questions, talked about picking up our grandson, asked how business was. Then, asked to talk to the girls afterall, to say goodnight.
Think you are dead right, wish I had found DR, and this site before. Can see some diff in just learning so little. But just enough to be totally confused right now. What I want to believe, what is true seem to just wave at each other. Don't know who will win as I learn more facts.
But right now the things I can confirm are encouraging, the ones I'm not sure of, haunting. But if all she says, and I'm hearing, is 1/4 true, feel lost as to what to do next, not to loose what seems to be gained.
Thanks for getting back... Part 2 will follow soon... And inside it, I'm going to ask you to do the HARDEST THING you have ever done. I will try to explain some of the reasoning behind it, but won't delve to deep.
Heh, I'm not even involved and I feel like _I_ need seat belts .
Sorry you're here but welcome CGU - just to express my best wishes. I'll defer to Gnosis and his learned evil alter ego, I'm sure they will have sterling advice for you.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Am busy many hours a day, but will watch for your advice. Have now just had a call from her sister. Said W worried I may not forgive her for last 4 month's. Told her it's from the 15th of last month I wasn't sure about. Her sister seemed shocked, said she couldn't believe I really thought W would have ever gone through with that. Told her I couldn't believe the last 4 month's, and that W had been very convincing. She said she couldn't believe I said that. Hung up on me!?
Her sister is right. W had always been a perfect example to our girls, and her faith in God. These last 4 month's have been totally out of character. But after 4 month's, I don't want to get choked, before I'm sure what I want to swallow.
Thanks G Those very thoughts crossed my mind, after the fact. See that she must have called sister, as soon as she had talked to me, and I hadn't volunteered anything. Will have to keep a much closer watch on my own thought's, before they slip out.
Please let me explain. I've rarely ever lost at anything I wanted, not that I didn't have failures, but too stupid, stubborn to give up till I got it right. Math, steel, a Wal-Mart, a high rise condo, can walk through the build with my eyes closed. Right at home. Always know where every man is at, what he's doing, what to expect.
But this is virgin feelings to me. Feel as frustrated as a 3 leg cat, trying to cover crap on a cement parking lot. I have to read, reread everything, just to get a hint where it's going, how to use it, how to feel, react. Not used to trying to slow down, being unsure of an outcome.
