Is it just me...or will my ex not let me look towards the future? I was ready to let go...but now I dont know.
She responded to my message about talking to our daughter, which ended up becoming a text message conversation:
Me: If you want to call and say goodnite to D3 any night its fine but I would ask you for the same courtesy in return when she's with you. It's up to you. Ex: Thats fine. I always respected your wishes I just wish you would respect my wishes in what I want. It hurt that you feel I cheated on you cuz I didnt. ... Me: I really do wish we could get along and I could respect your wishes, but do you see how hard it would be for me? Me: I cant just pretend the last 7 years didnt happen. In one swoop I lost my best friend and lover. And aside from my own loss, I feel like I've failed D3. Me: While I do want you to be happy, I dont thoink I could live with being your friend after we've been more. KNowing that the best I could get is a hug while you shared the more intimate side with someone else would be too painful I think. Me: While you may not agree with how I feel do you at least understand why this is so hard for me? Ex: I do but you know how I feel and what I want so why keep pressuring me? Me: Since all this happened it has been a constant internal struggle between common sense and emotion. Ex: I just dont see why we cant get along for D3 and accept what happened. Me: I dont know. Part of me wants that too. But the other part of me.... Me: I mean as much as it may not show, us not gettig along is adding to my hurt. Me: I think the answer lies in what I said before. Knowing the best I could get is a hug while you share your more intimate side with someone else would be so painful. Me: Plus I dont know that you would really be comfortable with it either. I dunno. I'm still scared and confused about the whole situation. Me: To me it still seems possible to make the wrong decision. And I've made so many with respect to the situation. I really dont know what to do. Me: I mean...if you have any ideas whatsoever that would let you be happy and keep me from feeling hurt at the same time I would be glad to have them. ---
She wants me to accept the way things are, get along (and probably even be friends), and not have any feelings about it.
I mean some might see this as the opportunity to pave the way for reconciliation...but I dont want to hang around her knowing what she's doing at night with the OM and what its done to my family, and I dont want to be her backup.
What the hell? Why do I have to accept how she feels but she cant accept how I feel?
I was ready to be done...and now she's stirred conflict in me again. And nothing has really changed...she's going to be with OM and I'm still going to be hurting.
