Cindy, I have to be honest, if he truly felt the right way about you, he would do whatever he could to try and convince you to drop it. That does not appear to be happening..
Quote: He acts like he's crazy! one minute saying it's over then the next taking me out to lunch.
Careful, just because he takes you to lunch doesn't necessarily mean he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Sometimes, for whatever the reason, legal closure must established before a WA can think of coming back. Many WAs have a need to know how free they are to leave if they choose so, its a test of the R in their minds. How you handle that is crucial in drawing them back towards a worthwhile commitment. Acting calm, and strong and accepting their decision to leave if they so choose, is usually the best approach. trying to manipulate the sitch for your own benefit usually backfires with fatal results, as many of us can attest. Thats letting go of the reins where it matters the most, because until you do, you don't know what you really have in him.
As hard as it is I'm coming to that realization myself...
Quote: if he truly felt the right way about you, he would do whatever he could to try and convince you to drop it. That does not appear to be happening..
I'm going to court with the continuance and at that time he can say he doesn't want to be married so then we'll go to the divorce phase. The man's actions have been confusing to say the least....but I'm getting to the point where I can no longer live with his 'craziness' and will make the right decision for me on Monday.
Today in my heart I believe that all my h has told me over the past year was a lie. I'm starting to think that this whole past year was just his revenge on me for filing the divorce. I was nothing more to him than a piece of a** and it hurts.
He's going to let the d happen.....with no fighting about it. How can he care so little about me? He has no heart. Even if he is a messed up guy, how can he in good conscience treat a person this way? I just can't believe it.
You've posted a bunch of things as to how could he, why would he...
The only thing that you can control is you. So given where you are, focus on what you can change. You can't change how he feels and its a waste of energy trying to figure it all out.
Take it for what it is and take stock of Cindy. You have the advantage,girl. You are not in a fog, you are not "messed up", you are a great mother.
Use the stop sign image when you start focusing on your H and all the drama surrounding that. When you have a thought like that, think of TWO positives about you.
Hang in there. Please take care of yourself this weekend.
Wow, I can't believe it! We had our continuance divorce hearing today and my h agreed to a 90 day continuance!
When the judge first asked if there was an agreement on reconciliation, my h said no and I said yes then my attorney stepped in. My attorney said that it has been back and forth with my h, that we'd attended counseling (my h butted in and said only one session), and that any further hearings would not take up any more court time because we have a final decree. So the judge hesitated, read our file, then asked my h if he would agree to any time for reconciliation and that is when my h said 90 days.
Outside the courtroom, I asked my h what he would he want to do with our 90 days and he said go to counseling. Then we went to breakfast.
As we got ready to leave he asked for a kiss then he asked me to go home with him. I said no he said well think about it and you know where I live. I'll be disappointed if you don't come over. He is leaving for Florida today. I said no I don't think so.
As I was nearly home he called my cellphone to ask again if I'd come over. I said no because MingL was too much of an emotional attachement for me that I did not want to make at this time. I said you knew the divorce was going to hurt me I had told you that yet you were going to go through with it. He said well you have given no thought to my feelings when you filed...how it hurt me. I said well you say things are going to be different yet you still don't do what I ask...you don't talk to me. He said I don't know what you want from me...I know what the problems are. I said yes you know and you know also what I need yet you don't do it. He said well that is why he agreed to the 90 days to see if this could be fixed. He said I could have just gone in there and said no to the continuance and that I wanted this done so I could move on with my life but I didn't. And I told h yes I'm grateful you did but there is not guarantee...he said there has never been but we've still slept together. I said i know and you've yet to be without me this whole year...you've always had me there. He said I don't know what your point is because when you call to come over I let you and when I call for you to come over you do...so we've both had each other. I said yes that is true. Yet the only one unsure here is you...I know I don't want the d...he said we'll go to counseling to make a decision.
I kind of lost my arguement after that...I have the flu on top of everything else. I ended up going over there to sleep with him. There were no ILYs but he did say he'd call me when he got back from Florida and kissed me good bye.
Should I have stayed away? Should I keep sleeping with him? He does want to go to counseling. He said if we don't know in 90 days what to do...then we won't know in 6 months. I'm not so sure about that and I don't know what to do next. He says we'll start counseling the first week of Decemeber and go every week until our next hearing on 2/13/04 (one day short of our 14th anniversary).
Any advice on what I should do? How I should behave?
Cindy
PS> Thanks for all your prayers! I had some prayer warriors in the courtroom with me...God did move! I sure God has a plan for these 90 days. Glory be to God because it was all Him.
Great news on the continuance. Now you have a chance, he doesn't want the D anymore than you do. If it was me, I would stay away from sleeping together until something positive comes from the counseling. That doesn't mean you two can't be together, talk, date and try to rediscover each other. But please do go to counseling. God does indeed work in mysterious ways.
Now the hard work really starts! If I can borrow some of Sage's wisdom....
Make clear goals. Small, measurable goals. Start reworking your DB tactics.
And most importantly, SMILE AND BE HAPPY! everytime you interact with him.
Choose your C well. Some are not all they are cracked up to be.
As far as sleeping together.... you know that has been a struggle for me as well. I think there are arguments for each side and it really comes down to what you are comfortable with and if you think it is having a positive impact on your R. Only you can answer that.
