My Story

[Wired]

Hello all,
I am going to try and start my story as it brings me some comfort in getting this out and I hope that maybe just maybe that I will find some gem to find the strength to keep going on.
I'm not even sure if this is the right community for this post or exactly what I hope to gain by posting this. But I do not know what else to do right at the moment. I hope I don't offend anyone.

H-40
W-40
D-21
S-18
D-17
M- 18 years

-Started dating 1991 Her not to far out from first marriage/child and me just getting over a relationship that ended from GF being a rape victim and shutting me out. I had mild drinking and drug habit at this time.
-1992 Pregnant and then married (Thats what good boys are supposed to do?) She did not ask for the marriage, I did as I found comfort in her from my sordid past and I honestly believed she was the one.
-1994 Another child. In my selfishness I asked her to get an abortion. She wouldn't go threw with it. (Thank God!)
-1994~1996 New job in new town. This is the time we started to drift apart. Not that we where the typical married couple before then but this is when it all started to materialize I think. My drinking got worse and drug use increased.
-1996 Yet another new job in a new state. We both felt that we had to get out of the town and blamed the surroundings for our problems. So we ran from our problems. Helped for a little while, but then the distance started to make its way back in.
1996-2 weeks ago
-Slowly drifting apart
-Sex slowed down to .....nothing
-No drugs and only occasional beer or two
-Short tempered and anxiety for me.
-Major bouts of depression for me. Her always the solid one.At least I thought.
-Her withdrawn into a shell.

I asked her if she was happy, of course the answer was no, then I asked her if she still loved me. She wouldn't answer at first. So being at my wits end I brought up divorce and she said yes.... god I'm so stupid. At the end of our long conversation that evening. She did say she still loved me. Why oh why did I not just say, "Is there anything I can do to change this?" One simple sentence and I may not be here trying to type this out

Present
Over the past few weeks we have had more conversations then we have had in years. Unfortunately the majority of it has been planning for the D.
She does not want to try to work at it and is solid in her feelings that she wants to leave (WaW to a tee, at least from what I have read here)
Me? Well here is where it starts to hurt, I have been chasing things I thought would make me happy for the past 18 years without realizing the one thing that really makes me happy is her. But now I have lost that also.
I look back and realize that I have not been the man that this woman deserves. Nor she the easiest to live with.(By her own admittance)
So now I start the road to change I guess, but how does one show one that you have changed if they are not there?

Thank You all for listening.

P.S. I just read all that I have typed and realize she should have dumped me years ago...