MF. Sorry to interrupt. New here, not sure where to go. Hope to give you a little boost, as reading your sitch has given me hope again.
Won't go into long detail, as my sitch is so like others. We have 5 children S24, D21, D19, twin D's17. ''Sep 5, 09'', W says "it's over, ILYBINILWY, remet old friend on Face Book, think I love him, want D asap, go to him and hope that works out to be my future. Want you out of the house.' I packed and moved to the office/2 br, 2b trailer at the yard/shop for my construction co.
You know how I felt. Every thing I tried made it worse. Was surprised when Thanksgiving came, and the girl's informed me I was expected to be there, and a few hours early. Arrived nervous, then surprised, she [other than anything personal] acted as if nothing had happened. [Can you slice the turkey right quick, can you this, this, this, and that?] Blew it when I told her how nice she looked. [good thing looks can't kill] Surprised again when she placed me at the head of the table w/her to my right, asked me to say the prayer as always.
Then, as I left, "be carefull, don't forget I need those papers signed asap." The following day, called and said that I should be back home, the girls needed me, it was my house too. Did, but went days at times being completly ignored. Was very painfull.
First week of Dec, I saw nothing was working. Had went to see an elder at church for advice, was referred to a C, who referred me to DB, which led to DR, which led to this site. Was dismayed that all, NOT ONLY said I need to 1st own my own fault's, mistakes, but DO something about them. Began to follow diff path. I could have added to the list of don't do's that I had repeated over, and over, and.........
X-mas, and New Years came. Same family gatherings, same reminders about signing papers, but a sliver of hope. Had started getting thank you's, for the yard, shrubs, things that didn't have to be said.
Fell back many times, but made it clear 'she' wanted a D, not me, I wouldn't sign. She [I'll just file for a no-fault D]. But still said thank you for little things. Even a pleasant 'good morning, or goodnight' now and then.
Jan 15,2010 she flew out, to go back where she grew up. One way ticket. Family, friends from col., and 'where he is'. I just said bye when she left, didn't offer a hug. She called 10 min. before her flight, ["Just want to say bye, have a good trip to Texas{business}] I could only say "OK, bye."
The next week I fought myself every minute, but made it 7 days with NC. Then, was shocked, 10:30 pm, Jan 22nd, she called me. Asked questions for 15 minutes. 1/2 redundant, 1/2 I knew came from comments I had made to our girl's that they must have told her. Again, hard to, but held my lip, answered honestly, then told her I was tired, busy, enjoy your trip, good night. Asked her nothing about what she was doing, or where, or who with.
Again, FORCED myself, with great pain to have NC. This time, 3 days, and Jan 25th got a text a@ 11:00 am. "Haven't went anywhere, just spending quality time with Wanda {cousin] and Ellen {col friend}, no men involved, no regrets to worry about, just so you know". I didn't know what to think, how to respond, so I didn't. At 4:30 pm, she called. "Oh, I'm sorry, was calling Valerie [D21]. But did you get a text earlier?" Told her "yes, but wasn't sure just what to say, or believe right then. Busy, can talk later if you want." She "Just wanted to know you got it, bye".
Again, bloody lip biting back what I wanted to say, but remained NC 4 days more, and she called, Jan 29th, talked 30 min. Told of many diff feelings. Said she realized she had needed an escape, but felt it was like a 'fantasy' in her mind. Thought maybe we needed to seperate, see what would happen, but if I got served D papers, ignore them, still wasn't sure of many things, but sure D wasn't the right answer any more. I agreed, assured her I understood she had a lot to think about, that I did too. I let it go at that, bloody lip biting back so much I wanted to say, but felt, and hope I was right, that it wasn't the right time to talk about me. Was really hard not to say 'I love you' as we said good-bye'. In my mind, 'she had a one way ticket?'
3 more extremely painfull days. Then, yesterday, Feb 1st, she calls. Couldn't get return flight for price she wanted untill the 11th. Did I have anything there with properties she could do for me? 10 more days with relatives would get boring. Then adds, "Noticed I have a flight exchange in Miami. {5 hours from our home} Could you arrange your schedule to meet me there, have talked to his mother, we could pick up our grandson for a week, {he's three, from S24}, and we could drive back together from there?"
This was a real shock. When I came home 2 month's ago, she gave me the master, took the spare BR. Made it a point never to spend a full minute around me, unless someone else was in the room, so there was no chance of any talk about US. The cheerfullness in her voice took me off gaurd, when she asked if my time would allow 'us' to stop for dinner on the way to break up the drive. Then asked if I could plan a week later as 'we' return him, to leave early, stop at the beach, have lunch, then stop for dinner on the way back, so it wouldn't be just a day of driving.
Can you imagine my shock, after 4 month's of avoiding a full minute together, to suddenly ask me if I could plan to spend so much time together. And the final return home, alone together for a 5 hour drive and dinner!!!!
Right now, I'm thankfull the door has cracked open a bit, but scared I could blow it if I'm not carefull. Afraid what to talk about, that I might say the wrong things. Know now there's hope, but a long way to go to open that door, and take that wall completely down.
MF, meant to keep this short. My point is, I could never have regained this hope, had it not been for you, and others, sharing your trial's, what works, what doesn't. How good it is not to be alone, see someone honest and sincere, who doesn't give up. Not afraid to make mistakes, willing to grow and learn from them.
Watching you take the piece's of the puzzle, and work them back into the right place, gave me back the hope there was a chance. Seeing your persistance against all odds, and your delightfull humor, gave me back the strength to try, when I had gave up hope.
I better quit now. [W has said once, well maybe more, I talk too much] But I just had to say thanks to you, and the others here for giving me back hope, and faith that this could end happily. Though I didn't think so at the time, she was watching, did notice changes in my attitude, and actions. Just want to return to you, what you gave me. There is still hope. the worst thing we could do is give up. Thank you, and my best wishes to you, and all here.
One last thought, from a man's point of view. There are a lot of choices of plastic, or rubber dolls that could be bought. I much prefer that which I fell in love with, that is real. If you have doubts, buy one, tell H it's your replacement, watch the reaction. [Ha Ha, my attempt at a joke] But, after all, it would probably give him the same sense of warmth and reality, if he lost you in the end.
If anyone can, I can see you making it, having what you want when it's done. lol. Thanks again.
I need to go out for a couple of hours... I'll post my feedback as soon as I get back. In the meantime... be prepared for a flooding of conflicting viewpoints regarding your sitch.
Won't go into long detail, as my sitch is so like others. We have 5 children S24, D21, D19, twin D's17. ''Sep 5, 09'', W says "it's over, ILYBINILWY, remet old friend on Face Book, think I love him, want D asap, go to him and hope that works out to be my future. Want you out of the house.' I packed and moved to the office/2 br, 2b trailer at the yard/shop for my construction co.
You know how I felt. Every thing I tried made it worse. Was surprised when Thanksgiving came, and the girl's informed me I was expected to be there, and a few hours early. Arrived nervous, then surprised, she [other than anything personal] acted as if nothing had happened. [Can you slice the turkey right quick, can you this, this, this, and that?] Blew it when I told her how nice she looked. [good thing looks can't kill] Surprised again when she placed me at the head of the table w/her to my right, asked me to say the prayer as always.
Then, as I left, "be carefull, don't forget I need those papers signed asap." The following day, called and said that I should be back home, the girls needed me, it was my house too. Did, but went days at times being completly ignored. Was very painfull.
First week of Dec, I saw nothing was working. Had went to see an elder at church for advice, was referred to a C, who referred me to DB, which led to DR, which led to this site. Was dismayed that all, NOT ONLY said I need to 1st own my own fault's, mistakes, but DO something about them. Began to follow diff path. I could have added to the list of don't do's that I had repeated over, and over, and.........
X-mas, and New Years came. Same family gatherings, same reminders about signing papers, but a sliver of hope. Had started getting thank you's, for the yard, shrubs, things that didn't have to be said.
Fell back many times, but made it clear 'she' wanted a D, not me, I wouldn't sign. She [I'll just file for a no-fault D]. But still said thank you for little things. Even a pleasant 'good morning, or goodnight' now and then.
Jan 15,2010 she flew out, to go back where she grew up. One way ticket. Family, friends from col., and 'where he is'. I just said bye when she left, didn't offer a hug. She called 10 min. before her flight, ["Just want to say bye, have a good trip to Texas{business}] I could only say "OK, bye."
The next week I fought myself every minute, but made it 7 days with NC. Then, was shocked, 10:30 pm, Jan 22nd, she called me. Asked questions for 15 minutes. 1/2 redundant, 1/2 I knew came from comments I had made to our girl's that they must have told her. Again, hard to, but held my lip, answered honestly, then told her I was tired, busy, enjoy your trip, good night. Asked her nothing about what she was doing, or where, or who with.
Again, FORCED myself, with great pain to have NC. This time, 3 days, and Jan 25th got a text a@ 11:00 am. "Haven't went anywhere, just spending quality time with Wanda {cousin] and Ellen {col friend}, no men involved, no regrets to worry about, just so you know". I didn't know what to think, how to respond, so I didn't. At 4:30 pm, she called. "Oh, I'm sorry, was calling Valerie [D21]. But did you get a text earlier?" Told her "yes, but wasn't sure just what to say, or believe right then. Busy, can talk later if you want." She "Just wanted to know you got it, bye".
Again, bloody lip biting back what I wanted to say, but remained NC 4 days more, and she called, Jan 29th, talked 30 min. Told of many diff feelings. Said she realized she had needed an escape, but felt it was like a 'fantasy' in her mind. Thought maybe we needed to seperate, see what would happen, but if I got served D papers, ignore them, still wasn't sure of many things, but sure D wasn't the right answer any more. I agreed, assured her I understood she had a lot to think about, that I did too. I let it go at that, bloody lip biting back so much I wanted to say, but felt, and hope I was right, that it wasn't the right time to talk about me. Was really hard not to say 'I love you' as we said good-bye'. In my mind, 'she had a one way ticket?'
3 more extremely painfull days. Then, yesterday, Feb 1st, she calls. Couldn't get return flight for price she wanted untill the 11th. Did I have anything there with properties she could do for me? 10 more days with relatives would get boring. Then adds, "Noticed I have a flight exchange in Miami. {5 hours from our home} Could you arrange your schedule to meet me there, have talked to his mother, we could pick up our grandson for a week, {he's three, from S24}, and we could drive back together from there?"
This was a real shock. When I came home 2 month's ago, she gave me the master, took the spare BR. Made it a point never to spend a full minute around me, unless someone else was in the room, so there was no chance of any talk about US. The cheerfullness in her voice took me off gaurd, when she asked if my time would allow 'us' to stop for dinner on the way to break up the drive. Then asked if I could plan a week later as 'we' return him, to leave early, stop at the beach, have lunch, then stop for dinner on the way back, so it wouldn't be just a day of driving.
Can you imagine my shock, after 4 month's of avoiding a full minute together, to suddenly ask me if I could plan to spend so much time together. And the final return home, alone together for a 5 hour drive and dinner!!!!
Right now, I'm thankfull the door has cracked open a bit, but scared I could blow it if I'm not carefull. Afraid what to talk about, that I might say the wrong things. Know now there's hope, but a long way to go to open that door, and take that wall completely down.
Thanks. Know I'm pretty stubborn, but I haven't given up hope, have made some changes. Can see a diff, know she does see every thing, though says nothing about it. Had given up, now see hope, not sure where to go from here.
I'm not sure there is hope just yet. Be careful...walk aways go up and down and back and forth. Be cautious and remain a little distant. If she really wants you back make her work for it.
Work on you!
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Understand, know there is a long road ahead, lot of potholes. What I see is some hope, where for 4 month's, I had almost none. But now seeing hope, afraid I'll miss something, take a wrong turn, end up beside the road again with no on ramp. W asking me to be with her for long drives, and dinner, telling me she now thinks she was wrong, wants time, possibly seperation, but thinks D is not the right answer is half a mountain higher than 3 weeks ago. Now afraid, am I ready, can I cope with this the way I need to now, and not loose ground. Quite frankly, this change in her, took me off guard right now. Not sure yet if it was a good step, or if it was a blindside punch. What to believe.
