Scared and need advice

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Aver, thanks for the update. You sound better!

Well, let's see where to start.. Let me try to sum up my current sitch/state of mind, then we'll get back to yours.

So H left at end of March. At the time he was like, this is temporary, just for now, I need to get out of here, I can't stand seeing you upset, etc. Well here we are in Feb., almost at the 1-yr. mark!! The thing about our house is, for me, it's full of reminders, in fact it is itself a reminder of our life together. We bought it 10 yrs. ago, rehabbed it together, it took 3 yrs. We actually lived in the little garage apt. behind it for 5 yrs. (even after we bought the property as house needed so much work). My family, most of my friends, live on the other side of town, about 20 mi. away. Not terrible but, it's a half hr. on the freeway ea. way. Over 10+ mos, that's gotten old. The reason we moved there was it was a good in between city for both our jobs at the time (in 1996!)

So it's not like I'm in a completely different part of the state or anything but I like that side of town, I grew up there, it's close to downtown where I work, etc. Over this looooonnnnngggg time living in house by myself, I've decided I want to get out of here. After all this time, I still can't stand to spend a whole day in that house alone. It's just too much of a reminder of H, our M, and everything that's wrecked now. I want to move back where I lived before. It feels like home to me.

I'm pretty sure, but don't really know for sure since H hasn't admitted it, he is living in OW's house in another city also about half hr. away. Like you, I never, ever thought H would do anything like this. EVERYONE loved him, he was a great guy & why would I ever think he'd betray me? So denial was not just a river in Egypt (sorry!!) as I missed or denied all the red flags that things were going very wrong. To this day I can hardly watch TV in that house b/c that's what I did at night for mos. while he was out after work - 3, 4 5 times a week!!! I could just kick myself!! Anyway, back to your ? - I want to get out of there, yes, starting over, all that stuff. Seems like 11 mos. is enough time to know - if I was going to feel differently wouldn't I by now? Being there just ultimately depresses me.

When H & I "talked" in Nov., when he was all gung ho about the S agrmt., he wanted to know if I wanted the house etc. I told him then I didn't want to stay in it. He said he didn't want to sell it, we'd take a hit, a big one probably w the market so bad, & that he'd live there. Does it bother me that OW could be there? Oh yeah, that would make me totally ill. But, if I never see, never have to be over there then so be it. BTW she owns her own house, (she is/was married, H told me she separated this summer, was one of my puzzle pieces in putting this together) so not sure if she'd move there. It totally makes me ill. But I can't control what he does/doesn't do.

Yeah, I know your BF & my H are not having to deal w the ugly stuff here. No it's not fair. But they have to live w themselves for what they've done for the rest of their lives. We can't worry about what they think or feel. We can only control us, so don't worry about X's guilt or lack thereof. There's a good post about this somewhere, I'll find it & send you link.

"And this is the guy who ONE WEEK after informing me he was done with the R, was prepared to shove me into the other half of the duplex and have OW over--don't think they were thinking of living together at the time, but she would be here enough.

And I swear to all of you here, X was always known as the nicest, sweetest guy ever. How love/lust changes us!"

Yeah I know. Don't know if you saw on my thread how H was pushing hard to talk about D - on OUR WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!! Let's see, the yr. before we were in DC celebrating our 10th anniv. What an incredible difference. More than almost anything, that complete disregard for my feelings has broken my heart most of all.

So enough about me. Ask away if I didn't answer something! So how did L meeting go today? Sorry I am bouncing from between your last 2 posts so my comments may not be in order!

"I hate hate hate that I have to go out swinging so hard and get so nasty so fast. NOT because I am "afraid" to drive him away. If I rolled over and said, "here, honey, here's the house, no worries", he wouldn't fall back in love with me instantly. Not that I want, expect, or even imagine that anymore."

I know, I know. But don't think about it as getting nasty. Think of it as self-preservation. You are NOT operating out of fear, you are doing what YOU need to do to protect yourself! You need to be in full protect yourself mode. Mentally, physically, financially, and legally. B/C your x is not thinking about your well being now. This was the hardest thing for me - to put aside my emotional turmoil & being forced to deal w the business/legal stuff. I remember walking to my 1st L appt. in August, sobbing the whole way there. It got better w ea. L I talked to though.

So I know this is incredibly hard but keep that in front of your mind: I will protect myself in every way. You seem like a pretty strong independent gal from what I've read so I know under normal circumstances you'd be doing this in your sleep. But these are NOT NORMAL circumstances as you well know. So we have to talk ourselves through the trauma.

"Realized: it will go to court. The judge will decide one way or the other.
Question to sort out: What do I want to do with my life, time,future?
I'm only fighting for the house to
a) keep him from moving her in
b) give me some stability while I sort out what I want to do
c) the principle of it!"
Sounds like you are getting clearer & clearer on what you want, & why. This is good!!

The only thing about #1, is IF & this is worst case scenario, IF he gets house, I think it would be good to have a plan for what you will do. #1 is something that IF the courts make a mockery of justice & give house to him, you don't have control over what he'll do.

Coach or Puppy or someone once said, imagine the worst case scenario, and plan how you'd get through it. Once you know you can handle anything, fear begins to go away. I know you've been thinking a lot about this, & so to avoid obsessing, just give yourself a set time to think about it, so you're not thinking of it all the time. You were tossing some ideas around earlier, nursing school was it? A move to Vancouver?

Remember, you have time! All this legal stuff is going to take some time. With this time, you can think about your dreams & hopes in a way that's not driven by panic. (Believe me, I still have it too sometimes). It's always easier to look at someone else's sitch & be able to see options than it is in my own. I think that's the beauty of this board.

Aver, I hope at least some of this rambling is helpful. I'll keep checking in on you. Stay strong my friend. ((((Aver)))))