#2: WAH separated from us & I'm on the DBing path

[CityGirl]

Hi,

How are you feeling today?

The one thing I think you should keep in mind is what you posted y'day after you received the diagnosis for your son. You said "I have no words". And that is okay! It is shocking and frightening to get a firm medical diagnosis even if deep down we know something is terribly wrong.

Your H might have felt the same when you told him. He may not have expressed it to you but since he did sort of shut down and not show much emotion either way perhaps he was also in a place of "having no words".

I guess what I am trying to suggest is not to try and speculate too much what your H is thinking about this news. You both need to time to process this as individuals, then co-parents and maybe one day something more.

Anyhow, just wanted to check in on you and see how you felt today.

[flowmom]

Thanks CG. I'm feeling better today. It really is a process as it sinks in. H emailed me last night after our talk:

Thank you for going to this appointment and pursuing this so diligently

I'm sorry that I'm not more available to provide emotional support on this issue. I know it's very tough on you

So he can obviously tell that it's hurting me to have this distance as parents. Ironically, he's the one who has and will have more trouble coping with seeing the imperfections of his child laid out in medical terms. H has incredibly high standards for himself and others.

[flowmom]

This is actually the first time that H has emailed me anything with any emotional content since he moved out. He's not acting as "fight-or-flight" around me either. Still acting very grim though.

I found out that he's planning a trip this summer, and I know from the past that this is the type of trip where he processes things and works out his emotions (goes by himself usually). If he isn't 100% sure about D yet, he will probably decide then.

[Cadet]

If he isn't 100% sure about D yet, he will probably decide then.

If he is in MLC then maybe he will decide and maybe not. Maybe the sky is blue and maybe it is red with green polka dots. MLC'ers do not think rationally and the depression causes this. Any attempt by you to try to understand this thinking is a total waste of time.

[flowmom]

Any attempt by you to try to understand this thinking is a total waste of time.

Thanks for the reminder, OP. I think that analyzing H's thinking is an attempt at control on my part, like if I can somehow figure him out, I'll know what to do and how to "fix" the situation. I need to remind myself that mindreading and looking into my crystal ball is a "cheeseless tunnel" for me. And tunnel is a analogy, because you don't have much perspective when you're in a tunnel.

I'm going to read more of the MLC resources now...

[flowmom]

From All Sermons on ONE thread-Lessons and ALL, this really spells out the control issue for me:

The rule of thumb to remember is the only person you can control in this life is YOU, not anyone else-and change must begin within before a situation changes without.

That means ALL control you THINK you have must be released: physical, spiritual-everything.

The MLC'er, no matter how erratic he/she is acting, is NOT a child, and does NOT need help-they must be allowed to work this out on their own and make decisions accordingly.

I know you think you are helping if you try to show them what you perceive they are doing wrong, but they will see it as CONTROL, and run further away.

You have to learn to separate the behavior from the person, and set boundaries as to what you will and won't accept, taking care of YOU in the process.

Focusing on what the MLC'er is or is not doing is NOT helping YOU-it is only dragging you down further and further, and you WILL hit rock-bottom and have a nervous breakdown, worrying about things you CANNOT and DO NOT have control over.

You must learn, also to STAY CALM in conflict-the more emotional power you give a situation, the worse it can escalate. Tap into the inner strength you KNOW is there and use it to your advantage.

You must face Childhood Wounds and heal them, whatever those may be, and they will be found on your journey to find YOU. That means exploring your childhood, looking at the patterns YOU are repeating-and change your behavior accordingly-that is part of your growth.

Also from the above thread, I feel that I'm actually going through this process:

Just as the MLC'er BECOMES the opposite of what they were pre-tunnel, the Left-Behind Spouse BECOMES the opposite of what THEY were through the journey that must be taken to "grow up".[...]

I was outspoken, and had to become quiet. I was a pursuer, and had to become the pursued. I was emotionally out of control, and I had to become calm.

Affirmations for me today:

I am open to letting go of things that are not working for me.

I embrace change.

Change is my friend.

[flowmom]

I'm feeling a bit more low/fragile today. It's been almost a month of separation, and there are lot of aspects of the "new normal" that really suck. I'm feeling really anxious about what will happen with S's education in September. I want to continue homeschooling and I'm afraid that H will push for full time schooling.

I'm thinking of setting a boundary by email. Something like this:

Hello H,

I know that you're working really hard to make things work for the kids right now. I hope that it's OK for me to give you some feedback about this.

These are behaviours that I'm seeing from you:

• constantly frowning at me
• speaking to me in a harsh/annoyed tone of voice
• making complaints about having to work for and pay for the things that our family needs
• avoiding speaking to me unless absolutely necessary
• making an argumentative comment to me while I'm on the phone with my mother

It's not working for me to be treated like this. I'd like you to consider what behaviours on your part would be consistent with a positive, collaborative coparenting relationship.

Although I think that it normalizes the situation for the children to have you spend time with them in our family home, I wonder about the message that they are getting from your behaviours. They are learning about how fathers treat mothers.

Flowmom

I dealt with a lot of grumpiness before the separation as well, but at least it wasn't totally forbidden to at least try to connect with H or try to lighten the situation.

Some people might think that I've been a bit to "doormat-ish" in the relationship in recent years, so a 180 would be not putting up with his sh!t. But I've also tended to set boundaries in a harsh way that wasn't loving/connected. So I'm trying to figure out if a 180 would be finding a gentle way of setting a boundary. My email is an attempt to do that.

[CityGirl]

Do not send that e-mail!

That is not how to set a boundary and the e-mail seems like a long laundry list of "wrong doings" on the part of your H.

You said your DB Coach suggest you focus on positives yet you want to send him a message that points out negatives.

You cannot control one's facial expressions (your H frowning at you).

If your H speaks to you in a rude/harsh tone of voice let him know WHEN IT IS HAPPENING in a calm way. Same with the problem of his comments while you are on the phone or his complaints about money.

[rr22]

My H doesn't like when I comment on the sometimes mean look on his face. It makes him feel criticized for something he can't control.

[flowmom]

Thanks CG and rr.

Do not send that e-mail!

OK, I won't. Maybe it helped just to post it here to get it off my chest. I need a way to express this stuff, but not to him.

That is not how to set a boundary and the e-mail seems like a long laundry list of "wrong doings" on the part of your H.

I can see how it could be read that way. I'm just sick of being treated like a piece of s--t attached to H's shoe, as if I stink and he he can't get rid of me.

You said your DB Coach suggest you focus on positives yet you want to send him a message that points out negatives.

Good point.

If your H speaks to you in a rude/harsh tone of voice let him know WHEN IT IS HAPPENING in a calm way.

I'll try to do that.

Same with the problem of his comments while you are on the phone or his complaints about money.

Not sure how to call him on the whining about money? He made some bitter comment about being the "funding agent" the other day. WTF? He spends as much time with his children as he wants, and me and the kids are financially dependent on him -- his choosing to abandon our marriage doesn't suddenly make his responsibilities go away. But I think this is what a lot of this is about: me being scapegoated for the challenges of special needs parenting, the stress of providing for a family, and his own issues that have nothing to do with me.

Sorry that was just a vent.