This is likely stating the obvious to you at the moment, but its important that you know this so I will say it :
Just because he tells you there's no contact does not MEAN there isn't any.
AND.. contact must be shut down in both directions. If he has a cell phone, he must CHANGE it and get a new number. All email addresses must be changed, etc. IF he leaves a window open to contact then it will be a high risk.
She needs to change her cell # and emails as well. I am hoping her H is willing to work on his marriage and she cooperates with him. If those two decide to divorce then your H will have a lot of outside temptation hovering around and you will have a much bigger fight on your hands.
Get a good FT and have that FT referee the two of you individually until you two can discuss things with the FT directly.
If he is in FT it will be another pressure point to keep OW from tempting him.
Do not trust his word. He will lie to you about contact. They always think "what she doesn't know wont' hurt her"... you need to get it across to him that he must be FULLY HONEST with you at all times from this point on... NO SECRETS.
This is a bit early on though. I wouldn't expect to be in these negotiations for several weeks yet. You two are still in an opposition state with each other.
His saying he doesn't see a way to work past problems is just his mood talking... he feels hopeless and lost. Don't pay it any mind... he's just feeling negative right now so he's talking negatively. I hope you are able to withold commentary like "So, we have a lot of problem so you start an affair to clean those up?"
I was pretty bad for that... Its hard not stating the obvious when you are hurting... but try your best not to. it doesn't help them recover.
Next time YOU call the shots, he needs someone to set an example of adult behaviour that he can model OK? This is like walking a dog right now... YOU need to lead... if you let him run ahead of you and tell you where you are going you have no control over your marriage. Keep him under control by ONLY cooperating on YOUR TERMS. YOU choose the times, you choose the places, and you choose the subject of convo.
If he wants to talk, just listen with indifference on your face and then end the convo. Don't show weakness or he will exploit that with a reknewed affair.
You COULD ask him to tell OWH for you... as a demonstration of his reknewed commitment, but my guess is he will refuse... its a GREAT test though.
Allen A, It's so hard to balance the right thing to do when your utlimate goal is to make your marriage work. I do think I came accross as desperate to him in some ways, and others very strong. Which I guess sends mixed siganls.
He did call me today and said he would really like to start working on our M. And that he is scared that we won't be able to work it out. I told him I would think about it and maybe I would discuss this with him on Wed. I told him again, that I would not agree to any working on the M as long as he had any contact with OW. He agreed, but I'm not convinced he'll end their R as he has said.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
that is a positive sign that he has at least stated that he wants to work out the marriage. great work so far with keeping your composure and being mysterious.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
OK, if he's offering yes this is an excellent sign.
You are both in a difficult place right now and you are both doing the same thing that isnt helping you.
You are both VOICING your FEARS.
He is telling you HE doens't think the marriage can be saved, YOU are telling us you dont' have hope.
Well guess what.. We aren't aiming for world peace here or an end to starvation... we just have to get two people to find a way to cherish one another like they had in the past...
Does THAT sound THAT hard?
We aren't even matchmaking blind here.. you two HAVE been great before, you just got lost in the woods somewhere... its not that hard really...
YOU need to be hopeful for the both of you. And honestly you have a lot to hope for.
He isn't going to end his affair without some positive influences.. you, your friends, a good Family therapist, and some hard work from himself.
Him acknowledging its a problem and offering to end things verbally IS a first step.. it takes many to get an affair finished off.
I really think you need to get that OWH involved and have him sit down with your husband.. but only if its physically safe to do so...
If your H sees the DAMAGE and HURT he has caused someone's home it will be great strides in helping.. if all the OWH can manage is to punch your husband out... Then that's not going to help much... lol
It is possible the OWH already knows... very often the abandoned spouse suspects... sometimes not but often they do get the sense somethings going on...
You need to go out and buy two books :
After the Affair by Spring Not Just Friends by Glass
both are excellent and worth their weight in gold
Find a good therapist who KNOWS these authors and can help your husband and you work through this... if the FT hasn't heard of these two then don't waste your time on that FT.. move on... they are a dime a dozen.
Your H is going to need some positive influences who can keep an eye on him for you.
If YOU police him through his withdrawal it will do a lot of damage at home... you need a third party to make sure he stays honest.
Can you find a friend of his who is motivated to protect and support your marriage who will do a "buddy-system" with him until he's through this?
You need to offer motivating phrases to your H like this :
"I have every confidence in the world you CAN be a great husband again, and I would love to see that. I just don't know if you are WILLING to be honest and do the work when its so easy to run away."
"I believe you can, but you need to do the work."
"We CAN save this marriage, its a choice the TWO of us make, no one else.. we can make this thing turn out great or not.. its all OUR decision"
And seriously it is.. its just TWO people, its not two whole countries at war here.. its just TWO PEOPLE who need to put up the white flags and put the knives away and declare a peace...
If whole countries can end a war the two of you can certainly do it in one suburban household.. its NOT THAT HARD...
If you speak positive and offer him hope, he will feed off that and feel hopeful again, I promise.
But he needs one or MORE people WATCHING him for falling off the wagon... you can't police him.. it just does damage... you know what I mean?
Once he has hope at home, he won't need to cheat... Until you guys get there, he's at risk of falling back into the affair again.
I am wondering if its better to WARN him you will be telling the OWH or whether you should just do it.
What do you think pup?
As an example of honesty from MB here maybe she should tell her H she will be telling the OWH about his wife's affair... give her H a heads up...
OR... mabye its best to do it behind her H's back? I don't like that, i am afraid it might do some damage... the OWH MUST be TOLD, i am just debating over the execution
Allen A, Thanks for all the great advice. I said exactly what you said to him "We CAN save this marriage, its a choice the TWO of us make, no one else. we can make this thing turn out great or not.. its all OUR decision"
I found out today that OWH knows about my H, but was told they are just close friends. I will be informing him tonight, that from what I seen they were at least kissing, and my H admitted to me that they had kissed. However, I do believe my H is down playing what they have done, as all cheaters do. I hate to do something behind my H back, but with this, I think it's best if he doesn't know that I'll be talking to OWH.
I'm not sure when my H will be willing to move back in. At the beginning of our separation, I really pressured him to move back in, which pushed him further away. I did tell him we can take this slow, and when he is ready, we can discuss whether I'm ready for him to move back.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Be careful if he's reluctant to move back in.. that means he's still all doped up on his affair.
Separation does NOT help reconcilliation.
Was he having an affair when you asked him to move back in before?
I would tell him it would be helpful for him to move back in but he would be staying in the guest room, that you need help maintaining the home and raising your kids. That his involvement is important as a father. That the two of you sharing a bedroom is not part of the offer.
And don't push it.... leave it there just as is...
If he declines... its a good indicator the affair is still going on and he wants easy access to come and go as he pleases.
I am just trying to figure out how to express distrust without antagonizing him... let me work on that.. Pupper may have some ideas on that...
He needs t know he WON'T be trusted as long as he's living elsewhere... He NEEDS to know that without it being phrased in a way that will antagonize him and do damage.
