Hopeless feelings

[flowmom]

He informed me that if we decided to work on M, that he would cut all contact with her.

Wow. Sounds like he's on the fence. And it sounds like you are going to make it very simple for him: in or out. I wish you well.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy,
Thank you so much for all your help. Meeting went well, mostly let him do all the talking. He told me that he just didn’t see how we could get past our problems and be happy again. I did tell him that I would like to work on the M, but that as long as OW was in the picture; there was NO chance of R. He informed me that if we decided to work on M, that he would cut all contact with her.

I’m hoping that exposing A to OWH tomorrow will help speed this no contact along.

Here's the thing, MB: Your husband has it backwards. Physiologically, his brain is all awash with PEAs right now -- basically, endorphines -- LOVE CHEMICALS. And as long as he is in contact with OW, that will be the case, and as long as it IS the case, he will NOT "feel like" working on the marriage with you. Physiologically, he is "blocked" to you.

Now, that's not to say that he can't make a CONSCIOUS DECISION to end all contact with her, and of course that's what he NEEDS to do, and that's what you want to try to FACILITATE him doing, but I can assure you, no wayward FEELS like ending their affair and working on their marriage . . . unless they've been dumped by OW/OM.

Although I don't think it will register with him, there's nothing wrong with you going on record with some version of the above: "Husband, I hear what you're saying, but as long as you are in contact with her, you are NOT going to feel like working on your marriage. Affairs are highly addictive, and that's just a medical fact. If you don't believe me, Google it yourself, read it in a book or ask any individual or marriage counselor. You need to make a DECISION, husband, and I'm not going to force you to make it one way or another. I AM, however, telling you that I am not willing to live in an open marriage. I respect myself too much for that."

Puppy

[Deep]

Puppy puts it so well, listen to him MB.

Your H might as well have said "I'll give up drinking if we decide I will not be an alcoholic". He has to decide for himself if he wants the M, and then figure out what that decision implies. Your actions will be to (hopefully) drive home the impact of losing you / the M, and blowing the cover of the fantasy.

Just because he is in his fog don't mean you gotta start buying into it too

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Puppy puts it so well, listen to him MB.

Your H might as well have said "I'll give up drinking if we decide I will not be an alcoholic".

And Deep puts it even better -- much more succinctly.

Yep, that's exactly what it's like!

Puppy

[gucci loafer]

Your problem (like most people on this site) is that you are allowing your husband to have all the power...

For example...

"If we decide to work on the relationship I will give up the OW".....

This is the classic mistake that all of the BS's make on this site.....

You will have much more succes when YOU are the one telling HIM what YOU have decided.....

"I have decided that since you are with the OW that this isn't going to work. I have decided that you should move out. I have decided that I will not live this way. I have decided that I am not interested in being with a peroson who can't give me 100% in a relationship....."

ETC. ETC... Trying to"validate" him is silly. What?? Validate a person in an affair? Get real.
"I will validate you honey. I agree with you that if she is the one you want to be with that our relationship is over"


THAT is validating. It is nonsense to have to sit and listen to a wayward spouse who is having an affair blatantly, and YOU are supposed to be thinking of how YOU can validate???


I have NEVER seen validating in this way work ONE time to bring the wayward to their senses. It is actually quite the opposite. I have seen ANGER and kicking them to the curb work better than validating.... This validating thing is just some phsycho mumbo jumbo that people use on here because they read it somewhere...


You want to validate him? Here is how.
"I have decided that I don't want to work on the relationship. I have decided that since you are with another woman that I want nothing to do with our marriage anymore. I want you to move out asap"

Do that and THEN he will get the message loud and clear that you have heard him. He is telling you nicely that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is scared to hurt you right now so he isn't being totally honest... You are scared of losing him and your fear is causing you to believe that sitting and listening and taking everything he says without responding with some good old fashioned righteous anger and a tough stance is "validating" him and will help him to come back and fall back in love with you.

WRONG... YOU couldn't be more wrong. Weakness does NOT work.
Calling weakness "validation" is ridiculous. NOw is the time to show strenght in what YOU want and what YOU are deciding than in focusing on how he should be validated... Get real.

[luvless]

LOVE this!! ^

[Puppy Dog Tails]

He's baaaaaaaaack . . .

[4luv]

thx gucci!!! Even though you are talking to mb28 this helped me. I was marching down the road of strength but found myself wavering the past two days because i saw some coming towards me from husband. You are right....there is no talking, no steps forward to notice, no listening and being a shoulder to cry on for Wayward spouse AT ALL when an affair is happening.

[mb28]

Thank you everyone, even the 2x4's. It's so hard to balance the right thing to do when your utlimate goal is to make your marriage work. I do think I came accross as desperate to him in some ways, and others very strong. Which I guess sends mixed siganls.

He did call me today and said he would really like to start working on our M. And that he is scared that we won't be able to work it out. I told him I would think about it and maybe I would discuss this with him on Wed. I told him again, that I would not agree to any working on the M as long as he had any contact with OW. He agreed, but I'm not convinced he'll end their R as he has said.

[MHL]

mb28,
Just caught up on your sitch, you are getting great advice here. I will stand back a watch. You have come so far since we first talked here. Keep up the good work. You WILL SUCCEED!!!