I found something in each of your post that definitly resonated in me. Some truth!
First-OP. I really feel that intense IC is her only hope. Now "getting her in there". Next to impossible, especially here in AZ. We went through that with our son who exibited some of the same strange behavior, just worse and more extreme. To the point he showed up at our house one night intent on shooting me and I got the wife and I out before it happened, but when the cops showed up he had 2 guns locked and loaded in his truck waiting for me to return.
He spent a week in jail, but once turned loose he drifted for months before getting back in jail and having meds forced on him. He would not listen to reason or suggestions to see a doc or counselor until he was made to. That mental issue history has many in my wife's family with similar issues, although if there is ANY suggestion she has an issue, she thinks you're saying she is crazy, and you are on the nc list. I'd like to see that happen-(her in intense IC) I just don't see how right now?
LFW-I do agree she desperately needs a friend. She really has none. Acquaintences at work, but no one she pals around with. NO ONE. All her former friends from our former area just a few miles away, she alienated when she left in 07. Will not talk to ANY of them. She will hang with kids or grandkids unless someone says something she does not agree with, and then...you are on the nc list until she decides otherwise. Her Mom exhibited the same behavior the last 15 years of her life (about the age my w is now.) She would be a hermit, and seemed to constantly move her entire life. Never stayed anywhere for very long, and had 5 people other then her family at the funeral. That was sad.
Yes I will try to be her friend, even if that's all it will be...to a point. If we get a D, I will not be the fix it guy, nor will I be there for any sex. I will definitly move forward. The counselors used to console me that it was a good sign that all of her troubles got dumped on me, because I was "safe" and she felt she could trust me to take blame for everything in the M. Not so consoling to me. Our D's may have to be the support if she'll let them, cuz she has felt the 2 S's have told her things they had no place to say (they have told her to get in or out of the M and quit making my life miserable). Guys thinking I suppose.
I think I can be a friend (to a point) and still detach. An ex H and friendly might be possible, but not a friend in the way she needs/wants.
J3B-I think you are RIGHT SPOT ON with this suggestion. In fact, giving me the words helped immeasurably! That just brings clarity to the situation, and really does make it her choice. I would reiterate very clearly what my choice is, but leave it up to her that if X is her choice, then Y must be my choice.
I thought today of a good anology she MIGHT understand. She has worked at this WalMart now for over 6 months with the promise she would be full time after the first of the year, and all the benefits that go with it. (In fact I think this has been the hold up to not following through with the D-She wants to make sure she has insurance first). Anyway-she has become more then a little impatient that it isn't happening and is tired of just a part time arrangement. Guess what? I'm tired of a part time W. I am tired of not having a full time W with all the benefits, including living together, and being there to serve and support each other. She might get that comparison, although not agree with it.
On the other hand, she may have me served this week and I will willingly get on with the process, which would surprise the bejeebers out of her, and that's ok. It would not be a bluff at this point on my part.
Regardless, I think I do lay down an ultimatum before leaving town next Sunday, and do it as kindly as possible, still encouraging and inviting her to be a part of the M by working on the M, but letting her know in no uncertain terms, that if we are not going to work on this, it's time to move it down the tracks.
All of you guys (and gals) have been most helpful with your suggestions. I know the answer is not necessarily here, but it's good to have some support anyway. As you all know, sometimes you feel like life has kicked you in the nads, then thrown you in the deep end, and you're doggy paddling just to keep your head above water, but man does it hurt! Thanks!
