Quote: I guess what I am saying is figure out what YOU want and then have the backbone to really go for it...or you won't get it.
You are right. I need to make my own decision. Lots of advice to be had out there that's for sure! But no one can really know a person...I don't even know how my h will behave should I dismiss.
I will make one last attempt to stop the d but if the d is what he says wants....I'm going to go with it. The bible says that if the unbelieving spouse leaves we should not hang on desperately and that is what the continuance would be....me hanging on desperately. If he tells me he wants the d when I ask him Saturday, then that is what will happen. The decision will be made and I won't fight my h anymore on it.
I plan to tell him I'm sorry for the cruel things I said on Tuesday, that I'm sorry I moved out, sorry that I filed for the divorce but I can't undo the past. I would if I could and I've really learned that separation and divorce are not the answers to marital problems. I'm asking for my h's forgiveness and permission to dismiss the divorce or at the very least a continuance of 6 months. I'll say that I know he has no reason to trust me but I will ask that he please look at the heart that I've had during our marriage to forgive and to extend the same to me. I'll say I love him and truly want our family together again. I'm sorry that h is angry and upset, I know that he is angry and upset and I'm sorry. What else should I say to him?
Quote: as long as H isn't abusing you or the kids....
He ignores us. My son thinks my h is not his real father because he truly doesn't think h loves him. No hugs, no interaction, no involvement. For seven years, when I've hugged my h, he'd leave his arms hanging down at his side. Oh, but he hugged me once when my grandpa died.
I'm not sure if even trying to talk to him one more time will make any difference.
Tonight I left my h a vm telling I'm sorry for losing my temper on Tuesday, that I was sorry for filing for the d and for moving out. I told him I knew he was angry and upset but that I could not undo the past. I said that this d is still not what I want and that I was going to take action to rectify it and that if he still wanted the d he could follow up with action of his own.
No reply as of yet and I may not get one. But oh well. I've finally figured out..well maybe just have finally got to the point that I can say it without tears I can't make h happy. No matter what I try, or say or do, he's still unhappy. I finally feel free in knowing that I don't have to DO anything...he'll have to make his own happiness with or without me. I really don't think he knows this though...he's convinced I'm the problem thus no interaction cause I make him feel bad. He isn't any happier now on his own.
Oh, well life goes on...it's his choice now on how this is going to end.
Hang tough, this is not an easy road for anyone, you or your H. Don't read to much into what he says or does, remember believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see. As long as there is hope, there is a chance.
He showed up at my office today and took me to lunch! Just out of the blue, said he was in the neighborhood and thought he'd stop by for lunch. Huh?
Anyway, when he first got here I asked what was up and he said just wanted to see if I would like to go to lunch. I said I don't know...am I going to get upset...he said that depends on you. So we went, got in the car, talked about boy's soccer game, he asked about their report cards, allergy shots, etc. No R talk. We ate, sat and looked at each other, didn't say anything about anything, then he said are you ready to go, I said when ever you are, and he said well I guess you are ready to go so we left.
During lunch he just looked at me like he was waiting for me to say something. I actually wanted to cry and ask if I could come home (after reading AnitaSues thread I was sorely tempted) but did not. Maybe I should have?
He dropped me off and said he'd see me tomorrow....at our son's soccer practice.
I'm not going to read into his actions because I'm sure it was nothing more than 2 parents getting together and discussing their kids....maybe getting ready for post-d relationship? 7-days until the big d.
Quote: Tonight I left my h a vm telling I'm sorry for losing my temper on Tuesday, that I was sorry for filing for the d and for moving out. I told him I knew he was angry and upset but that I could not undo the past.
This was a great move by you Cindy. In the past when I would get mad at my H and we'd have huge blow up we'd never say sorry to each other.
Since my mess all started, when I did overreact to a sitch, I did call my H and let him know that I was sorry I did that, that it was very childish, but also say that they were my feelings at the time. At one point he did say something like "you always do that" and I said yes "but I didn't always apologize did I" to which he agreed. So this was probably a 180 for you, right?
No, I always apologize...always. I take responsibility for my behavior and never ever use his behavior as an excuse for mine nor do I mention it in my apology. I've always been good about that...even when I know I'm right I still say sorry because I sometimes loose my temper and my delivery is WAY OFF. (My conscience just bothers me too much to not say sorry.)
Now that I think about 180s...I'm not sure what else to try at this point. I guess in actuality I'm the WAS...since I left and I filed....maybe I've been looking at this from the wrong perspective?...that should be my 180 the WAS perspective not the LBS.
Quote: Now that I think about 180s...I'm not sure what else to try at this point. I guess in actuality I'm the WAS...since I left and I filed....maybe I've been looking at this from the wrong perspective?...that should be my 180 the WAS perspective not the LBS.
Interesting thought, Cindy!
If you WERE to look at it this way, what could you be doing different?
JJ
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Honestly I don't know...I thought this past year I'd been trying to work my way back to him. I'm not sure...this whole perspective has thrown me for a loop.
I'll have to do more thinking on it as to what I could do different.
Quote: I'm not going to read into his actions because I'm sure it was nothing more than 2 parents discussing their kids.
You're probably right Cindy. The good news is that he made the effort to come and take you to lunch, and you guys were civil while doing so and avoided R talk. After the blowout you had last week, its a positive that he can feel relaxed around you to the point where he did what he did today, that might not happen so soon ordinarily.
You handled that well, lets see what he initiates tomorrow..Whatever it is, make sure you keep that cool, calm, everything is ok demeanor and be as upbeat as you can.
