Dusk at Dawn.

[chatterbug]

Maynard. You ask some very good questions my friend. Another proof that your starting to rebuild yourself. Soon enough you will believe it yourself.

I am glad we did not mention the OM. As truthfully it would have derailed the signing of those papers. I walked away with everything I asked for.

I remember when we signed them. I sat there for a few minutes and just talked about tea's and how was the meal and then mentioned that I drank way too much tea and I excused myself to the washroom. I was losing the mask. Becoming emotional. So I got up walked to the bathroom and I stood there facing the mirror and I just smiled. I said. to myself. Well cutter. A goal was met. A very important goal. remember that. remember that the woman in front of you is a shell. It looks like ladybug, sounds like ladybug. But it is not ladybug. This is a woman who has no respect for you nor your marriage. This is a woman who tossed you out of her life without any concern for how this affects your well being. This is a woman who did not care at all how this affects everyone else who is attached to us. This is a woman who broke my dad's heart and did not even have the common decency to say good bye. This is a woman who is sleeping with another man. The reason she is happy today is because her affair is in a better place in her mind than it was on Sunday. Believe this.
And I breathed deeply over and over. I smiled at myself and walked back to the table and then ladybug picked up the tab and we walked to our cars. And that is when the emotions all came out. I drove away crying and did not look in the rear-view mirror. I looked forward.

I am glad now that we kept it to safe topics.

I have thought about all this again. Now I am separated. Which where I live is the same as D.

I weighted the following items this weekend.

I am proud of how I acted. I kept my vows and morals to the end. I did not stoop to ladybugs level.
I remained civil and nice and showed grace.
I stated my goals clearly to ladybug many months ago. It is not my issue that she did not listen.
I secured myself financially against ladybug.
I came out of a depression with goals to achieve in the second half of my life.

VS.

A woman who has no respect for my wellbeing.
A woman who has no respect for vows and morals.
A woman who has no respect for families and children.
A woman who has decided to become what she is today, someone who values crumbs over substance.
A woman who abandoned me so easy during my first crisis I ever experienced in my life.


And I thought.

Here is a woman I can walk away from now. I sat there Friday night and I realized that I still love this woman deeply. But it is a love of what was, not what is. If that makes sense? I have no bitterness. Just disappointment. And I tired to save the marriage. But I could not. But I realized ( via this site and my own thoughts )that it takes two people to make a marriage happen. And that is not happening. Nor do I see it happening.

My next goals are to sell the house. Figure out what I want to do the second half of my life. Right now its computers. I wish to change that. So I am going to move away from that.

I do not think I can stop with my giving attitude. So I think I am going to look towards moving in to some providing profession. I am truly at a crossroads in my life. Its exciting. I no longer fear this.

From all this. Look at what I have gained.

I gained the ability to understand about boundaries.
I gained the ability to understand about my needs and wants again.
I gained the ability to understand that I want to better myself instead of going with the flow.
I have met some of the most beautiful , strong , and real people. People who I have not met face to face, but I proudly call them my friends. People who I will meet one day down the road and I will be able to look them in the eye and smile and say what an honour it is to stand before you friend.
I gained the ability to cry

I share a unique hurt that only us who have been cheated on truly understand. I know as the years go by and someone says to me that they have been cheated on, I can look them in the eye and state. I understand.

And in a strange way. I thank Ladybug for waking me up.

This is where I am standing today.