Dr. Love, when I first read the book, I posted the exact same question I think to DanceQueen. She (or whoever it was) posted back that I was missing the whole idea or something similar. She was right.
I let that book rest for months. I stopped trying to reconcile with H. I got tired and fed up and bored. We were going thru the motions but that was it. And it was sick.
Then I found out about his affair. It was a turning point for me and him (for different reasons).
I decided to read the book again a month ago when I was downspiralling,(depression=crying, feeling hurt, disappointed, wanted to escape etc etc), reading the book, calmed me down. And then, I reread it, and again, and every night now I read the described stories.
No, you dont need both partners on board. It's what he says VERY clearly. It says that marriage has it owns set of rules, it's a system. The "system" goes into crisis mode several times over the years. At those times, partners tend to lean to each other for reassurance, soothing, support. Since a crisis is rarely a one man show, imagine 2 unbalanced people to try to balanve each other. You think that would be possible? And if yes, for how long? First move and the would collapse.
But it's what we do because it is easier to look outside for "help". Someone to hold on to. In my case, I am/was struggling to get over his affair and lack of actions. And he was failing to "deliver". I was becoming unstable (in every sense-LOL ask John210-he got scared I was loosing it!! ciao caro!)
After reading PM, I realised that, by falling appart and while he was dealing with his own issues, I was harming the system (note in our case the system had totally collapsed so what was I expecting?), he could not help me and I was ready to settle for anything, just to stop the pain.
I realised, there is nothing I can say or do to MAKE him reassure me. So I looked inside. I talked to myself for a while. I wrote down all I want in my marriage. The ideal situation. Then, I toned it down by making it realistic. Tnen I set my boundaries(It's nice to have a man that tells you are beautiful, but if my my man doesnt BUT covers my basic "needs" I can live without being told how pretty I am).
I created my map. I edited it. I remembered when I felt happy. What was it that made me happy. Then I compared then with now. What is missing.
I made it clear in my head that, no matter how selfish, stupid, naive, brave, honest this may sound, there are certain things I will not sacriface just to be with H. And then, I let him know.
I tried to word it the way I felt it: I AM making a choice FOR MY life. YOU are free to be a miserable, a weekend father and husband, but I will not accept a husband like that. I choose to look for a R that is intimate and solid, I want to find a person that will know me, not what I present to him, what I realy am. I tried to be polite but the message was clear.
His response is what PM describes. He tried to turn it around. The only time I didnt try to control him in ANY way, he complained that was, what I was doing. Funny huh? Schnarch says, when one is pushing for change, the other one is facing a dillemma : grow or dodge. It's what crisis are supposed to be about about. We should LEARN by them. Not repeat history hoping the outcome will be different.
My H is a bit disoriented at the moment but resists. He is fighting, man is he fighting!! But he feels something is different. I am sticking to my guns, and I picture my alternative :being unhappy. I cant sell myself out and be with a man that PROMISES me to make us unhappy, I prefer to risk for someone that is willing to grow and change.
This is what I learnt from PM. I have a preview of how it may play out. I know that I am not threatened by him, I am myself's enemy in this one. I mean, if I am clear and honest to myself, the rest will follow. If I start making compormises I cant live with, it will come back to haunt me and make me face me again in the near future... I have a choice. I made mine.
It's scary. This could finally be the end of my M. It could also be its rebirth. Both options are scary. K
Schnarch says, when one is pushing for change, the other one is facing a dillemma : grow or dodge. It's what crisis are supposed to be about about. We should LEARN by them. Not repeat history hoping the outcome will be different.
Sounds like he is an Einstein fan: "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
As the LBSs, we couldn't dodge. We had to grow. They dodged for a while, but eventually even they may have to grow lol.
I might have to get that book. I may be in a place to REALLY appreciate it finally.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Guess it is time to read it again... It is probably like Retrouvaille I would recommend it to anyone but timing is important. When W and I went it did load a good to me and I think W got a little out of it. But we went too soon. If we were to go now it would be totally different.
Guess I have some night time reading ahead
Doc
By the way I CAN look at youtube now Ha HA ...but I would rather have a job
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
You can go to all the Post sessions again anytime, at no cost. To do the weekend again, you would have to pay, unless you go as an Angel couple. You can call the local chapter and see if they need an Angel couple.
