... are you going to wait for that wife to get an STD and die of aids or something before you wake up and realize that wife needs your HELP and you are sitting there doing NOTHING to help her?
I agree with everything Allen said -- very well put. And if you think the above quote is being dramatic, you haven't been on this DB forum very long, or looked around very much. There are examples abound of STDs, pregnancies by the OM, family's finances being wiped out, children being traumatized, and more.
The other family is under ATTACK, as is yours. You have a moral obligation to expose the risk, so that this other woman can do what she needs to do to protect herself and her family.
As your wife's husband, you are responsible for PROTECTING YOUR WIFE.
The risks right now are : Pregnancy, STD, violence from the OM (he's lying to his wife so his integrity is a huge question mark right now).
If your wife was drinking heavilly, or gambling away all your savings and racking up debt, or driving at high speeds and putting her life in danger.. would you DO something THEN?
Well, the risks are just as high now, if not higher.
Affairs can result in violence (what if the wife finds out... she may have a registered firearm), financial mess, stress, anxiety, depression, unwanted pregnancy..
Are you going to sit and let that happen because some ignorant IC said "its none of your business"? which it IS since its YOUR wife who is involved here?
Protect your wife, protect other women in your community and DO SOMETHING...
Pup, i think the rationalizing here is motivated by fear.. I really don't think argumentation will help anyhow, but there you have it...
------------------- Love As An Excuse For Infidelity
So often in my work with spouses whose mates are in the midst of an affair I hear the anguished fear that because he or she claims to be, "in love" with the affair partner, it must mean that the marriage is over and the cheating lovers are meant to be together. Soulmates - because they now feel the intense passion of a fantasy relationship.
But of course they are, "in love." That's what an affair is. It's what the addiction is. It's an emotional response (without rationality, commitment or long term thinking) that causes us to do things that are not in our best interests and that hurt other people and destroy what we have worked hard to build in our lives - things like homes and families.
The idea that love should be the deciding factor is any of this is completely erroneous. As is the idea that love is some magical chemistry between two people. It's neither of those things. Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
The interesting thing about new infatuation/love is that we are blinded by the offensive or objectionable things at first. I think the pleasure of having needs met by someone new captures our attention to the point that we block out the less desirable traits. But like any addiction, what worked at first to create a high soon becomes not enough - we want more. When that happens in romantic relationships the irritating things seem to grow in proportion as the pleasure from getting needs met slackens. Unless real change takes place at this time - unless the real work of building a relationship kicks in - romantic love will wane.
This is when the instinct to demand more, to be rude or even to lose our tempers takes over. This is when the internal shift from, "You are so wonderful, what can I do for you," to "You aren't doing enough for me and I'm not willing to do anything for you - you jerk," occurs. This is where real marriage happens, when we move from - feeling like it- to making the commitment to doing what it takes to craft a truly connected and compatible relationship. This is where real love is grown.
For those, who have never honored commitment when the going got tough this is where they begin to bail. So, yes, I am sure that affair partners are in love. Does that mean it's the right place for them or that they have met 'the one'? Of course not. It means that they are in the habit of going for the feeling rather than committing to doing the work of making a truly successful relationship. Unless something greatly changes for these men and women, they will do the same again, and again. They will not find lasting happiness until they get it that marriage is more than feeling. Being in love is important, but staying there is what separates the men from the boys.
Be an advocate for marriage. When you hear of infidelity, take a stand. Refuse to condone affairs and "friendships" that threaten the integrity of the marriage bond. Educate your friends and families on the seriousness of becoming involved outside the marriage. Love is not an excuse for betrayal and abandonment. Love based on that foundation is like a house built on sand.
May 21, 2008 -- Marriage Fidelity Day founder, Penny Tupy, professional marriage coach and author of Overcoming Infidelity - Intervention and Protection Phases, calls Oprah, Walters, and the news media to task for its cavalier treatment of infidelity in marriage.
"It's a travesty when the season finale for a show as campy as Desperate Housewives features an impassioned plea for marital fidelity and honesty - complete with tragic tales of what happens when parents cheat and then leave the nest, says Tupy, "but our role models brush off their indiscretions with little or no apparent thought for the destruction left in the wake."
Infidelity affects somewhere between sixty and eighty percent of marriages in the US. Behind those numbers are real, live, breathing, human beings whose lives have been shattered by betrayal. "It's time we stop sugar coating the betrayal of marital vows," says Tupy, "an affair is not a love story. It's not romantic. It's an ugly, painful, betrayal that hurts everyone involved."
Tupy founded Marriage Fidelity Day in 2004 to raise awareness of the effects on infidelity on individuals, children, families, and society and to honor those who have remained faithful to their vows or who have recovered their marriages after an affair. Tupy hopes to see more people raising their voices in support of integrity - insisting media and those in the spotlight become more responsible in their discussion of this topic. Marriage Fidelity Day is September 15 but, as Tupy says, every day counts.
A member of the Save Your Marriage Central (SYMC) online forum, had this to say about the Oprah show exchange between Oprah and Walters as they reminisced about their experiences as the other woman,," People who have not experienced infidelity will not understand how watching Barbara Walters casually talk about her affair, with no remorse, for me is like watching someone recount raping someone as a once pleasant memory." Another stated, "The interracial spin she put on it, made her appear like a freedom fighter instead of an adulterer. Who cares what color he was? He was married with children!"
Tupy, who runs the SYMC online forum for marriages in crisis, insists it is time for America's role models to stop buying into the fantasy glitz and glamour of infidelity and to start telling the real story - the story of shattered dreams and shattered lives. Tupy says with irony that if Desperate Housewives can get it right then there's no reason we shouldn't hold our news media and role models to a higher standard.
May 21, 2008 -- Marriage Fidelity Day founder, Penny Tupy, professional marriage coach and author of Overcoming Infidelity - Intervention and Protection Phases, calls Oprah, Walters, and the news media to task for its cavalier treatment of infidelity in marriage.
"It's a travesty when the season finale for a show as campy as Desperate Housewives features an impassioned plea for marital fidelity and honesty - complete with tragic tales of what happens when parents cheat and then leave the nest, says Tupy, "but our role models brush off their indiscretions with little or no apparent thought for the destruction left in the wake."
Infidelity affects somewhere between sixty and eighty percent of marriages in the US. Behind those numbers are real, live, breathing, human beings whose lives have been shattered by betrayal. "It's time we stop sugar coating the betrayal of marital vows," says Tupy, "an affair is not a love story. It's not romantic. It's an ugly, painful, betrayal that hurts everyone involved."
Tupy founded Marriage Fidelity Day in 2004 to raise awareness of the effects on infidelity on individuals, children, families, and society and to honor those who have remained faithful to their vows or who have recovered their marriages after an affair. Tupy hopes to see more people raising their voices in support of integrity - insisting media and those in the spotlight become more responsible in their discussion of this topic. Marriage Fidelity Day is September 15 but, as Tupy says, every day counts.
A member of the Save Your Marriage Central (SYMC) online forum, had this to say about the Oprah show exchange between Oprah and Walters as they reminisced about their experiences as the other woman,," People who have not experienced infidelity will not understand how watching Barbara Walters casually talk about her affair, with no remorse, for me is like watching someone recount raping someone as a once pleasant memory." Another stated, "The interracial spin she put on it, made her appear like a freedom fighter instead of an adulterer. Who cares what color he was? He was married with children!"
Tupy, who runs the SYMC online forum for marriages in crisis, insists it is time for America's role models to stop buying into the fantasy glitz and glamour of infidelity and to start telling the real story - the story of shattered dreams and shattered lives. Tupy says with irony that if Desperate Housewives can get it right then there's no reason we shouldn't hold our news media and role models to a higher standard.
Hallelujah!!! A breath of very needed fresh air!!
How come I have never heard of her before??? I love this stuff!
She has a web forum of her own and a site, but the forum is not nearly as active as this one.
She has met Michele Davis and knows her material well.. doesn't agree with everything as Penny specializes in infidelity cases... she has a LOT of articles on her website you should go check out.. I have NEVER read a woman express so clearly and concisely the destructive and addictive properties of infidelity as Penny does.... man that woman can write!
She has met Michele Davis and knows her material well.. doesn't agree with everything as Penny specializes in infidelity cases...
Then I would think their approaches should dovetail well. I happen to think that active infidelity is probably the one area where I think some of MWD's stuff falls a little short. I think it changes the entire dynamic, and how to approach things (with a lot of overlap with the "GAL", "180" and other DB principles).
Yup... I agree having been through it.. MWD's theories on infidelity only work for brief flings... for long term affairs once addiction sets in the DR approach does not work... the addiction must be fought head on... simply setting a good example and being a better person will not free anyone of an addiction... which is a shame since its a lot easier to implement than addiction-combating measures are to execute
Yup... I agree having been through it.. MWD's theories on infidelity only work for brief flings... for long term affairs once addiction sets in the DR approach does not work... the addiction must be fought head on... simply setting a good example and being a better person will not free anyone of an addiction... which is a shame since its a lot easier to implement than addiction-combating measures are to execute
