What to do when H doesn't contact?

[25yearsmlc]

25, once I can get through this depression and having panic attacks I will GAL....


Oh, and to top everything off S19 tells me he is moving out and going to live with GF. So now I'm even worse than before. Even though he is mentally challenged I can't stop him because of his age. And trust me he is in one heck of a mess. It is his first girlfriend, she is 21 and has 2 children already. Plus he is bipolar and hasn't taken his meds in over 8 days.

So H's response was that he was going to take him off of his health insurance and asked D13 who was going to cut the grass now?

I need to get myself up off the couch on the weekends and start cleaning the house out. Getting rid of stuff and organizing because I haven't been doing much lately at all because of the depression. So I guess that will have to be my GAL for now, because I will probably have to sell the house.

I really don't know how much more I can take. I miss my S19 so much and can't believe he let this girl talk him into it. He told me that he doesn't want to follow rules or anything anymore and he wants to be with her. I love him so much but there is nothing I can do now. So H will see that the rest of us are falling apart and probably won't ever want to come home.

Well Gee Whiz, GF, you hit the nail on the head. You feel like crap, which sucks. No question, it sucks. You need help; & you are getting it. Good for you. Been there, done that. Found that some anti-anxiety meds worked best for me at the time-my father was in hospice and when I was the care giver for him, I needed it to help me sleep and not freak that he'd die on my shift. Sounds wacky now but that is how it was for me then. And the anti-panic attacks pills helped me through that time, plus funeral week. Anyhow, see if those can help you so that you KNOW, if a panic attack comes on, it'll only last 3--45 min b/c that's how long the meds take to kick in. They are faster than anti-depressants but not as long lasting. Just saying that was MY experience. Obviously talk with your doctor. Your fear of a panic attack is almost as bad as the actual episode, sounds like.

But you have to get yourself up, dust yourself off, and GAL. NO, not "after you rid yourself of the depression-then you GAL...THE OPPOSITE
GAL rids yourself of the depression. You can DO something about this in addition to taking meds...only some of this is chemical; some of it is learned behavior. UNlearn it and learn some NEW ones. Don't surrender to this! I don't hear fighting in you; I hear defeat and you know that is not working for you or for getting your h back.


As for 19 y/o son leaving, so what? He doesn't want "rules"? Oh okay. Enjoy the life with your new gf son, b/c guess what? There will be RULES of some sort and you may not like those either...trust me; he won't. He will discover this for himself and you cannot teach him this. It's called a life lesson and life does the teaching. Is the problem that you will lose his labor? I understand that and you may need to hire someone or your h has to do yardwork and the expenses of that will be borne by both. As for removing son from insurance, is this son also your h's? I'm shocked he'd be in such a hurry to drop him b/c unless your son's health problems are costly, your h won't save much money and your son will be out of luck b/c he has a pre-existing med condition. If you took your h to court you could probably fight this or at least have it noted as it reveals much about your h.

But I suspect you are terrified of rocking the boat and you have let your fears dictate your choices. So, is that approach working for you? Or is it bringing about exactly what you fear the most? Moreover, your son has to learn this lesson the hard way like we ALL did. Let him. You cannot help him but by allowing him to discover that which is only discoverable on your own. And don't blame the girl too much. She sounds frightened too. But if anything gets your boy home, it's going to be you on your own two feet; same as your h. Do it for yourself though. Please. You have to. No choice and for that clarity, be grateful.

Think about that. Decide on a long term plan and a shorter one and start doing at least one thing off the plan's implementation list, a day. Feel good about that.

When I had d20, I was in the hospital with pneumonia, feeling sorry for myself for several reasons beyond the scope of this post. Trust me, my life was hard. I saw a full moon out the window and it hit me then that there must have been millions of pregnant women out there.

Women who were not in a hospital, women who did not know if they'd find shelter that night, or food, or if their h's were still alive, or would return to them. They had no idea where their babies would be born, if indoors at all. Some of those women knew family members who had been killed with machetes, or firing squads. They had kids "enlisted" in rebel armies killing other children in competing warlord's armies. They lost children. They had disease. They have to wear coverings over their face or be accompanied by male relatives if they have any left and they are often raped or maimed....They could not worship as they pleased, they had no electricity and no "car problems" b/c they were simply hopeful that the mule they owned would get them to a midwife with a thatched roof over her head....take my point? In the grand scheme of things, worldwide, we are in the top 3% of people. We think our life is hard and we get sad.

But can you imagine a woman in Darfur, with one child of 12, living, b/c the others died of starvation or plague...and can you imagine her saying she's "too depressed to GAL" b/c her h left her....

Nope. It's hard to imagine. It's called perspective. You might consider volunteering somewhere one day a week. Seriously. When we get too grief stricken, we lose our perspective. It is time to regain it. And carry on. And GAL, starting today. Learn to DETACH and that will be a start.

Good luck, I have truly been where you are, and the other side of this, is much lighter, much brighter and much better. Get through it honey. You just have to get through it. YOU Determine the timing, don't "wait for 'IT' to happen"....DO IT.This ain't a dress rehearsal, this is the play of your life. How would you like the next act to go? Be the director of your life's play; don't let some idiot or any other person determine the epilogue for you. It's yours to claim and author.
(( hugs ))
J-