I agree with Rabbit. It seems the best approach is almost a "reward the good, discipline the bad" behavior approach - almost like parenting...lol. I found that when H was being "nice" I would make an effort to speak some of his LL and when he was crossing boundaries, I firmly and calmly re-set them. Verbal confrontation is important, as long as it is calm and firm. I am like you, and find it very hard not to "do" all the nice, helpful things. It is just who I am, I do it without even thinking. So, I had to force myself not to, and to speak up about what was not ok. But, it was at that point that the "crisis" finally started to brew and my actions helped push things to the point that h had to make a choice. None of us should be treated this way. We are worth more than that, and our children don't deserve to see that. If you can communicate that, while also keep the road paved smooth to restore the M if she chooses (by being the better option, speaking some of her LL when it is appropriate etc.), you are still DBing.
