The fog is real. When you're involved with the OP, that fantasy you've crafted is reality. And you draw away from or attack anyone and anything that threatens to pop the soap bubble you live in.
My moments of clarity are strongly tied to my bipolar disorder. So this may be a somewhat a-typical occurrence; I don't know. Brief explanation for anyone unfamiliar with the disorder - bipolar individuals vacillate between extreme highs in which they are bubbly, energetic, impulsive, reckless, and frequently hyper-sexual and massive lows in which they experience overwhelming fatigue, depression, helplessness, and even suicidal thoughts or attempts. Both mania and depression are characterized by hallucinations and/or delusions.
And every once in a blue moon someone like me (bipolar) gets a brief flash of sanity...a few hours or maybe a few days before the vicious roller coaster starts up again. It's a very frightening disorder, and I am unusual in the fact that I noticed the problem and was able to seek assistance for myself.
In the times when my mind was quiet, I could see that a R with my ex OM was never going to work, and that my H was trying to love me the best he could. But these times never lasted long enough for me to consider changing what I was doing. As I say, the clarity only lasted (for me) for a matter of hours or days. I occasionally wonder (idly for it has no bearing on the future really) if I actually triggered the return of mania or depression because I couldn't bear to admit that my fairytale life with my ex OM was a lie.
I never felt I deserved a reconciliation. I didn't question it when my H took me back after I got out of jail (and maybe I should have considering where I am now.) but I never felt entitled to return home and get my life back. For any WAS who might stumble upon this: You are not entitled to the forgiveness and reconciliation of your spouse! If they offer it, you'd better be thankful and not screw it up again!
And the only time I thought about reconciliation at all was when I hit rock bottom. And yes, at that point I figured it was way to late. What on earth did I have to offer my H? I had broken every promise I'd ever made to him, cost him a whole lot of money and grief, and was dependent upon him entirely. He had no reason to think I was coming back because I'd seen the light. I could just as easily have been trying to stabilize my life so I could return to the ex OM. He had to take my word for it that I wanted to come home. And I don't know why he did; I wouldn't have if I were him.
And now I do wonder why. Since it didn't really make sense for him to take me back, his current vicious assertion that he only wanted someone to take care of the boys, cook, clean the house, and make sure the bills got paid seems so much more likely. It wasn't logical to want me back as a wife, so I don't find it hard to believe that all he wanted was an assistant. And I know I shouldn't believe what he says - he's now the one reading a WAS lines right from the script. But I think that it is easier to believe his waffle because I never really understood why he took me back in the first place.
Sorry, all that probably belongs in my own thread.
Next question about having no respect for my H. I didn't think of him the way that it is described in the books, no. He never seemed weak or pathetic to me. He could be mean, or cold, or confused (that's how I saw it anyway), but I never thought his decision to keep trying was pathetic. Even in my fog, it was touching to me that he cared enough to want to try (so where is all that now? ) even though I thought he just needed to let go of what was gone.
There is no one thing my H did or said that helped bring me back. I had to get there when reality finally hit me. But there is one thing he said that I still carry with me, and I'd like all the LBS to keep it in mind. During one particularly nasty argument my H called me a slut. He wasn't wrong, but it still cuts me to this day. To think of the look on his face and the satisfaction of branding me that way brings tears to my eyes. I know that as a WAW I did things that were cruel and horrible. But please, as a LBS consider what your S will remember when the two of you reconcile as well. I'm not saying pander to them or tell them how wonderful they are right now. But please don't hurt your chances of making a better M once they come back. It would have hurt less if he had slapped me.
When my H decided to expose my A to my entire family and his (lot of gossips in our families so it wasn't hard) it didn't change my mind about ex OM. I was ticked off because my H was making my life more difficult, but that's about it. This, though, is going to be a lot more individual IMO. I had long since told my parents that H and I were failing (though not that it was because of an affair), and I was barely on speaking terms with his (check out my original thread if you want any more details on that one) so involving them was irritating rather than upsetting for me. As for friends, it was an interesting experience. I found some who were more than happy to stab me in the back and then commit the same crimes against their spouses. I found some who kept my secrets and their silence even though they thought I was wrong. I had some who felt I deserved to seek happiness with my ex OM and that my H hadn't deserved me. Sadly the last group includes people who were mutual friends of both my H and me. And today they are telling him the same thing - be happy with your OW because your wife is an evil harpy who never deserved you anyway.
What I didn't have was a single friend who said, "This is insane! What are you thinking?!!" Nobody noticed that my behavior was erratic and self-destructive. Not one person, even those who had known me most of my life, not one ever considered that I might need help. Please, pay attention to your family and friends. I'm not saying you can force someone to get help if they have a mental issue. But if you love them or care at all, make the effort. Because most of us who are trapped inside our own minds are not able to find our way out alone.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
) even though I thought he just needed to let go of what was gone.