Maybe he's using TV not to disconnect but to calm the strain of piecing and to give him something to distract himself while he readjusts to spending time with you. Maybe. Some people think watching TV is spending time together in a distant sort of way.
Yes, he could be calming himself - he tends to isolate to do that. And also the "I don't care" mode may just be one of those cool guy attitudes.
I did great. I went in later at the time we agreed to hang out and I calmly started saying I feel afraid of rejection when he says we'll hang out and then we don't but he calmly said he just had some stuff he wanted to do and it wasn't personal. We watched our show and calmly got along. We're both still working on staying calm, we're both so terrified of fights.
Later, it was interesting - H wants to get S up in the night to pee to train him to sleep through the night without diapers. I started saying that no mom I know gets her kid up, the kid just develops the control to sleep through without peeing.
H got very defensive! He started going into argue/debate mode. He wanted statistics of how many moms I had talked to to back up my claim!~ Usually this would have been a huge fight as I would have felt criticized and attacked. H actually said I was "bullying" him with my opinion! Funny thing since I've felt bullied for years.
I suddenly realized he attacks because he feels attacked. He interpreted my difference of opinion as telling him he's wrong so he starts telling me I'm wrong to defend himself. It happened again this morning over another parenting method.
Instead I decided he's just insecure and feels he has to prove he's right to feel better. It's his issue, not mine. I decided I'm not going to argue or take his criticisms personally.
Well if it makes you feel better all I did was cut little rabbits drinks down before he went to bed, yes we did lift him to go to the loo as we were going to bed, but it does happen slowly. Have to say in the Uk most kids are dry at night before five, but then they have the embarrassment of going to school at five so dont want their mates finding out.
Good to realise the correlation between his reaction to percieved attack from you, even if youre not intending it to come across that way he obviously feels it is, does give you something to work on yourself!
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W 47 H 47 M 24 T 30
Once lost but now found and happily married again!
Hope, is it that big of a deal to go along with his idea? Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't, but he'll at least see that you can listen and work with him as a team instead of as adversaries. I think you're right that any time you have a different opinion, he feels the need to prove his side but cutting down your opinion. He can't seem to grasp that for some things there isn't a right or wrong way, just many different ways. That is his thing to figure out though.
For what it's worth, I think the whole potty training thing is nearly 100% biology and developmental. My 5.5 year old refused anything to do with the potty until he was a month shy of 4--wouldn't sit on it or even talk about it (he could read short words by then, but was still in diapers!). I didn't push it because I knew he would do it eventually. I've yet to meet an adult that isn't 100% potty trained that doesn't have a significant neurological reason.
All of a sudden one day he peed on the potty out of the blue and from then on never had an accident and I've never had even remind him to go potty. Poop took a couple more months to master, but he did. I figured night time would be totally off the radar for a long time. This was a kid who always wore Huggies night diapers in the next size up and more often than not still woke up soaked through. After a few months I realized that his diapers were staying dry more often than not. When they were dry for a week straight I put him in undies and for 2 nights woke him before I went to bed. But I got lazy and stopped that and he's never wet the bed once and he sleeps for 12 hours each night. I don't take any credit for "training" him at all. It was all him and his body being ready.
Still, I'd humor your H for a month or so and see. It's win-win for you. If it works, you don't have to buy diapers any more! If it doesn't, you get points for trying it his way (and you get to gloat to yourself that you were right! LOL).
Over the years I've bitten my tongue with H and his parenting style often. I saved the "you will absolutely do this my way" for one thing so far and that was to do with carseats. I'm very anal about carseat safety and put my foot down in regards to keeping S rearfacing until he was nearly 3 and keeping him in a harnessed seat as long as possible. I asked him to please humor me on this because I wasn't budging and since it was a safety issue he'd look like an ass for arguing against the safest practice. Technically, he could have refused and I couldn't have done a thing about it, but he did give in and I think it was in part because I don't turn everything else into a "my way or your way" fight.
Just something to think about. Together or apart, these are things you'll have to work out over the years. Most of them won't be hills worth dying on. Save your vetos for the things that end up really mattering and I promise it'll be a lot less stressful. Probably particularly so if you do reconcile because he'll be more involved day to day.
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Thanks so much all - you're all right. SEe - most moms notice their kids just stay dry all night at one point and that's that. S is at that point, as long as I keep pre-bed drinks to a minimum. However Freckle you make a good point - pick my battles. Why not go along with it for a month (have done so a few weeks now) rather than have an excuse to be adversaries. If he's that prickly maybe he needs to feel right
MC session today. Amazing. We got to deeper stuff. Basically it comes down to H not trusting me. All his criticalness, touchiness, explosiveness comes from slowing testing trust with me and then losing it at the first sign of "Hope's not changing so she'll never change". Whoever said they are constantly testing and watching was right.
Last year, we split after some nasty stuff - very painful fights over sexual issues. No detals here for now - suffice it to say, ten months on we are finally revisiting it. Basically he doesn't trust me to stay calm, and although I've been doing ODP very well recently, he still is not trusting me.
He showed me a deep vulnerability today usually masked by his supiority complex! He's hurt inside by me in ways I didn't know...and that's why he's so quick to lash out - or last back as he sees it.
I deeply appologized for my part in things and was sobbing. He doesn't trust words, he says he needs time to see if things really will be different with me. Just like DB always says - they need time to feel the different relationship and to test the waters. It takes a long time to believe the changes will stick.
MC was still on my side a bit about how I feel constantly under the microscope and criticized and how that does not help. Thank god!~ I think H heard that the tone of voice stating "facts" in conveys as much or more than words. H got that his tone is very hurtful and that discussions about feelings need to be separated from discussions about "facts".
Really good stuff, really painful. THere's a bit of light at the end of the tunnel. It is just a really long tunnel.
There's a trust related outburst my H has with me sometimes when he gets frustrated during mini arguments now. It's related to the "when will he ever learn?" idea. That is when will he ever learn not to trust me (or women? anyone?) again.
Why not go along with it for a month (have done so a few weeks now) rather than have an excuse to be adversaries.
See, now with that, you're screwing yourself over doubly! You're going along but still arguing with him over it. So that means you get none of the credit for doing it his way AND what he'll remember is you trying to browbeat him into being wrong. (that's how he'll see it--not that you actually browbeat him, but you know how we all get when we feel criticized.)
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
You're going along but still arguing with him over it. So that means you get none of the credit for doing it his way AND what he'll remember is you trying to browbeat him into being wrong. (that's how he'll see it--not that you actually browbeat him, but you know how we all get when we feel criticized.)