Anything is possible with hope and prayer. You have to detatch, which is the hardest thing to do. This doesn't mean you stop loving, you just start living for yourself. One time my ex said she hated me, dispised and regretted the day she ever met me. Now it looks like we will probably be going away for a weekend when our tax refund gets here. I am still going to go out with others, since I made the descion to make myself happy, it has given me confidence and made me realize, I'm not a bad person. I hope, and I think my ex is now seeing this.
That is so great to have the vacation with x to look forward to.
I hope my sitch gets better as the days go by. I just dread having the interaction with stbxh and seeing him with someone else. (like he hasn't been with someone else during our m) The reality that we have no m and he's with her will hurt beyond measure.
Quoting you...That got his attention... I said well ok then I'll have the judge make the ruling he said you can't do that. I said I'm the one with the attorney I think I would know what the legal system will let me do...after all this is my divorce I can do what I want. I walked away. Then I noticed he was getting into my van so I hurried over there and told him to get out of it. I told him that I loved him but could not understand how he could hurt the boys and I like this...by making us a family one day then calling it quits 2 days later! I said I don't think you realize how you are hurting them and me. I finally blew my top and said you know what you are one F****d up dude! And I"m so tired of hearing how this is my fault for filing! You are right I can't be happy with you, you can't be a husband, you can't be a father and you have no balls to even say ILY to your own kids. End Quote
What he said.... he said hell no because it was MY divorce not his!!! And I should pay all my attorney fees. He said no you can't and I'm not paying for your d. He said well if that is the case then YOU should not have filed for the d!
I don't hear him saying he wants a d. I hear him saying that you want a d. I hear him saying he will not pay for a d. I hear him saying you should not have filed.
None of that says to me that he wants a d.
What I sense is a lot of anger that needs to be diffused. He, if he is anything like my S, is HURT and ANGRY. He also feels GUILTY. He is CONFUSED.
You, if you really want this m to work, need to stay calm. You need to keep db'ing. You need to let him know that you know how angry and hurt he is...and you need to keep telling him over and over again that you know how angry and hurt he is because you filed for the d... you are sorry that you filed for the d, and that you want the m to work, and that you love him.
What about YOUR feelings, you ask? What about his part in things? Well....would you rather be RIGHT or be HAPPILY MARRIED? You've got to get him back before you can begin to truly heal all of these wounds of the past. So stop trying to be right...and start trying to be happy.
YOU can do it. I am so rooting for you...and believe me, I do not give advice that I have tested myself on my own relationship....I bit my tongue for months...and db'ed my butt off.....and it is sooooooo working in my life.
Yes I KNOW he doesn't want the d! I really do but I can't get through to him I don't want the d....not even the continuance SHOWED him that. He doesn't trust me.
So in 10 days, how do I go about getting him back? We'll be d on the 17th.
Yes I KNOW he doesn't want the d! I really do but I can't get through to him I don't want the d....not even the continuance SHOWED him that. He doesn't trust me.
So in 10 days, how do I go about getting him back? We'll be d on the 17th.
Cindy
if you don't want the d and the only thing keeping you going forward with the d is the threat of him filing himself and changing the financial sit you are in..sit and figure out your finances and what you can live on/ with...then don't file the d...there is a chance that if he doesn't really want the d he wont file it either..after all he doesn't have an atty right?
Quote: there is a chance that if he doesn't really want the d he wont file it either..after all he doesn't have an atty right?
No he doesn't have an attorney. This is a big risk...I would be getting no child support, he could take possession of the house, kick out my renter...I would be stuck in my parents house. The gamble on the legalities are enormous all in an effort to find out if he REALLY DOESN'T want the d. I would feel comfortable doing this if he had made some changes in the past year...but there have been none. He's pretty much the same.
I just don't know....if I want to gamble the monetary things I have for the same old h.
I think my h has a personality disorder...he has no idea of right or wrong, nor a conscience. My boys do not want him to come home; they say he has not changed since moving out. My friend who has known my h and I for 4 years and she says:
Quote: There is no happiness with Jeff. It never existed except when you or he were drinking or when you pretended that he had actually done something nice. He has a true personality disorder and you are never going to change him. It's ok to love him but it's plain cruelty to make the children share a home with him. Jeff does not know how to relate to other human beings and seems to have no sense of right and wrong, no conscience.
He will not change. None of the lies that you can tell yourself will make a marriage with him possible. A marriage is NOT one person pretending to be happy, you've already tried that remember? Yes, divorce is always sad and normal people can usually work through their problems but this does not apply in Jeff's case. Anyone who tells you otherwise does not know Jeff.
I'm begging you please, for the sake of your children to get the divorce. Be strong, you CAN do this. You have the support of your family and friends and numerous counselors and even ministers!
It's not something I want but may be what I need. I've been very clear with h about not wanting the d, I've even written it out but has made no difference...yeah he'll call maybe once a week, have a change of heart but then we are right back to him wanting the d. He says one thing but does another. He doesn't know who he is...the man even assumes the likes of people he's around, can't make up his own mind.
I'll continue to db and should my h want to come home I'll be waiting there with open arms. I just can't be with someone that continues to straddle the fence of being married or being single but married.
maybe he does have some personality disorder...maybe he is totally screwed up and incapable of having a monogomous intimate relationship who knows?!
have you read the begining of dr? the section on well meaning friends and family?
it is very easy for outsiders especially those close to us to see the sit through a biased eye...and even for people here who don't know us as we don't often give all the facts.
a decision to d or not to d should be yours and yours alone...yes of course you have your children to consider but don't allow the thougths of other to sway your decision one way or another.
here try this (it was something I did shortly before my h decided to come home) picture your life in the future in various ways.
getting d now..what will life be like
holding off on or cancelling your file for d...this one has several possible outcomes list both.
list all the facets of what you imagine life will be like if you follow these different paths and then think long and hard wich one.
I'm sure you've already thought about what life would be like with each path but sometimes having something on paper to look at helps make the decision a less emotional one.
Your friend has heard you complain, whine, b&tch, etc. about your H... Your friend wants you out of pain and is not invested in your M. So...who knows best here, YOU or your friend. You seem to take a lot of advice on legal matters from this friend,too. You WILL get child support..you Will get custody...you WON't lose everything if you don't D now....your friend, sorry to tell you this, but is off track....almost sounds like this person is trying to scare you into getting the D....
Talk to your attorney about legal matters and your H about R matters ...talk to your friend about friendship issues...and don't mix the whole mess up... If your friend wants to help you...he/she will support you in whatever it is that YOU really want... as long as H isn't abusing you or the kids....
I guess what I am saying is figure out what YOU want and then have the backbone to really go for it...or you won't get it.
Quote: have you read the begining of dr? the section on well meaning friends and family?
it is very easy for outsiders especially those close to us to see the sit through a biased eye...and even for people here who don't know us as we don't often give all the facts.
Yes, this is true and I remember it from DR.
Quote: a decision to d or not to d should be yours and yours alone...yes of course you have your children to consider but don't allow the thougths of other to sway your decision one way or another.
I just feel either way will be wrong...I know that if I dismiss I stand the chance of my h turning on me, or maybe living with him the same way...getting the old r back. Or going through with the d, my h finally seeing his role in this and coming home or getting d and never seeing him again, sharing my kids occassionally. All the scenarios suck! I say I'll get the same r back because he's not changed. Yes, I've changed and could probably do quite well with him...but I'd still live with no affection, no ILYs, no interaction with the kids, no help with them. It appears to be a no win situation for everyone no matter what I decide. Getting my old r back will not make me happy.
Quote: holding off on or cancelling your file for d...
I have not said stop the continuance yet. Who knows maybe at the hearing he'll have changed his mind and agree to the continuance....it's all up in the air still.
