Quotes found on Divorcebusting (II)

[chatterbug]

She's not going to send *this* message:

Hi Honey,
You've really seemed independent and together lately. That really has me worried and on edge. Would you have sex with me so that I can reassure myself about my waning hold over you and my overall attractiveness? Would seven be good?

[Ready2Change]

Completely acted like the WAS today. I told her how exciting it is to be able to be free and that I was curious about how different girls would be in bed. Walked around with my shirt off with my new fit body looking great. She questioned how I felt about our relationship. I told her divorce is for the best for both of us. We are going to find happiness in other places than here, and that I didn't want the life that I was living with her. I told her that I had been holding on to reconcilliation because I thought it was best for the kids.
I said that doing that was for the wrong reasons as I should do whats best for me. Which is the D of course.

I continued on through the day with an "as if" attitude.
We talked about her taking off work tomorrow so we could figure out finances, seperate checking ect.. We are also going to work out a way to rent out the place she is living in so she could find another place a farther away. She said it would be too weird with all my new girlfriends coming over.

By the end of the night she had her tongue down my throat ready to go for it. (she hasn't given me one bit real affection in almost 4 months!!) I finally told her she better get home and mabey she needs to take one of her vibes with her.


She also mentioned how she wished we could have caught this sooner because she thinks we could have worked it out, that I am one of the few people that actually understand her..

ADVICE TO ALL... TURN INTO THE WALK AWAY SPOUSE. PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE AND THEY WANT IT EVEN MORE IF IT IS JUST OUT OF THEIR REACH....

I will now continue to play this game to the fullest to see if I can reach my goal. Wish me luck.

[Kalni]

"Marriage is where you find out who you really, which very often is what makes affairs so attractive"...

"A man may be a fool and not know it, BUT NOT if he is married"...

Marriage is a powerful vehicle to intimacy and that's why people cant handle it and look for "Meaningful secondary relationships"

[TrentC]

I remember my H wanting to hear me tell him that I would put forth effort in getting our M back on track. I felt so frazzled and so discourage.....and very unmotivated to work at a R with him. I hope you can try to realize that every day she is still there....she feels as though she is putting forth all the effort she can muster. I know that may not be enough, but it took me a good while before I could reach that place.

Don't know that I've said this to you or not, but I've told several that I had to get to the place of being willing "to be willing".....and that was a hard step for me. In fact, I think it had to be broken down into tiny baby-steps.

[TrentC]

What to do on [Valentine's Day] depends on what stage you are in. If you are in full blown WAS mode with little to no contact then any gift is pursuing. I like the ideas of doing something with your kids, helping someone else or GAL for you.

The first stage of reconciliation is getting rid of negative feelings. So unless you are having consistent positive interactions then stick with the advice above.

Second stage is becoming friends again. Here I would do something that shows you understand who your spouse is - 5LLs, music they would enjoy, a book, fix something around the house, etc. A gift that shows you have more than a business connection with them. A gift that shows a emotional connection but not romantic. Show them you understand them and that they matter to you.

Third stage is re-igniting the romance. If you are in Newcomers then you aren't here.

For the curious the fourth stage is re-commiting. The is when you both have the marriage you honestly wanted.

[Ready2Change]

Something I wrote about my sitch:
(i have always written poetry, it is very therapeutic for me and helps me process my thoughts and emotions)

The Climb

We walked so many miles
Smiling, side by side
Sometimes the way was soft and smooth
Sometimes it was steep and wild

At times one ran up ahead
Looking down the road
Always to meet up again
Sharing warmth when we were cold

The path then started climbing up
Yet we continued the climb, we two
But the way was hard and we were tired
It was all that we could do

One day I stretched out my hand
To help you in the climb
To find that you were further off
Your hand I could not find

I saw you and I called out
“I’ll throw this rope to you…”
You shook your head and calmly said,
“I’ve got something else to do…”

Uncertainly, I said, “ok”
And waited in that spot
Hoping you would make your way
To the place we had been brought

You didn’t come, so I made my way
I said, “I’ll meet you where you are.”
Try as I might, I would approach
But you would still be far

Then to my complete dismay
I saw you were not alone
You were on a climb with someone else
It was I who was on my own

I saw the danger on your path
In love I tried to warn
I saw you just continue on
I saw you were tired and torn

I knew then I had a choice
I could continue on my climb
Or call you gently back to me
A safe path once more to find

And so, I called out to you
“If you join me once again,
I have the ropes and tools we need
And I will be your friend.”

I waited, then, for you to choose
But loving myself enough
To know I could not wait too long
Or my own path would be too rough

Just as I was about to go
And take the path for me
Your hand reached out and grasped at mine
“I think that now I see”

Together, again, we make our way
The path still wild and steep
Sharing the ropes and lending a hand
The promises to keep

This path is still not easy
We have a long way to go
But together it doesn’t seem so hard
And there are new things that we know

Maybe the path will even out
There is so much we can’t see
We can just take it step by step
And what will be, will be

[Ready2Change]

I'm not pretending that I'm great at this, but sometimes it helps to say to myself "what is happening right now?". I usually find that the intolerable part of my experience isn't what's happening right now, it's my thoughts about the past/future. Then sometimes I can choose to challenge those thoughts.

[Ready2Change]

My H separated ten months ago. His anger is just starting to die down. I say this to let you know you may not get any reaction from him at all for quite a while. Looking back on my sitch, I wish i had focussed less on what H did and said and more on me - it's terribly hard. BUt in essence, if they are in that hostile place, the boundary is best set, IMO, by walking away. Not saying things that they will argue or ignore. Just get the H*** away from his nastiness. Protect yourself. If and when he calms down, he will on his own, not because you told him to. And when and if he does, he'll be able to start taking the earplugs out slowly.

Going dark is for YOU, and not to get a reaction out of HIM. It's like building a little safety cuccoon around yourself. It's like hiding in a trench while the battle ensues overhead. Just wait it out, it sucks, but his ammo will be weakened when he can't hit the target - you. Keep walking away and calming yourself. DOn't y to get him to hear you. There will be time for that later. (Look at me - ten months later!)

[newmama]

from blownaway65:

The standard formula for success seems to be:

Work on yourself for yourself - which you are doing great at
Detach - once again really good
WAS notices the grass is not greener and starts to regret what they have left behind
WAS starts to pursue YOU
You decide if you want or can have WAS back (this will be really hard for me if we get to that point)

There really is no timetable though, that's the hard bit.

[Ready2Change]

Cherish the time with your son NOW!! Do all those things that you always talk about and never seem to find the time to do. Take him out back and throw ball or take him out for an ice cream, anything you can think of to spend as much quality time with him as you can.
Do not make the same mistake I did and wait till he turns 18. You can never get those years back. And it will haunt you worse then anything your wife can ever do.