You're onto me. I am not an "easy way out" kind of guy. But...I have struggled for years with how to save the M. Up until just 8 months after she left the last time in Sept of 07 I thought it was mostly "my issues".

After I went through the denial/grieving/my fault scenario, I finally came to grips with how many things were not really my fault, as counselors tried to pound that into my head. I was aware of it, but not fully processing it.

With the strange behavior after we got back together (as Bill Cosby used to say-"C'mere, c'mere, c'mere...get away, get away, get away) I began to see it was not that much about me but something deeper. When she left again in Oct 09 I was somehow not surprised. The same type behavior has continued and I have gone through those same scenarios, though not nearly as intense or as long.

I have come to the conclusion that I am indeed adding somewhat to her confusion or behavior by not putting down some solid boundaries, while at the same time having a pretty good idea where this will lead. In the last 2 weeks I have got my head around the fact that I cannot be so worried about her reaction that I do nothing and stay in this limbo.

Getting a D has had so many implications for me I could not even accept it. I WAS content to do anything to not have that moniker affixed to me. I have finally gotten to a place that I realize, it is not MY choice, but I also can see that what I am in is really not a marriage anyway, and it is worse being stuck, then moving forward.

I have been to counseling recently. I have been told (again) that this is my wife's issue and without her working on it, things will just get worse. IF she does work on it, it will be very similar for at least 2 years, and more like 10, and I need to work on me being healthy emotionally again.

After 13 years of the yo-yo program I've taken a good hard look at me, and can say I feel I have done everything I can. I don't think even God expects more of me without my wife doing some hard lifting herself. I will do what I can in the next few weeks to encourage that and keep an open mind. At the same time-I am very much done with this R the way it is currently setup.

If I make her aware that this is not working for me and that I want to go forward WITH HER, and this is how I think we should go forward, she then has a choice of what to do. Work on the problem, or not. I then have a choice of what to do. Stop the cycle or not. The only choice to that, that I see is end the M. I would not consider it "jumping ship" after all these years.

I just do not see my W doing much about her issues w/o going through a D and getting down the road a few years and seeing that it was never really about me. There is something in her that never has been addressed. Should that be done in a similar fashion without a D? Maybe. I just do not have the strength for it anymore. And I think in my wife's head, that she needs that "freedom" of a decree to really feel I have zero control of her and she is completely on her own. I really think that is what it is going to take for her to get to the point that she looks in the mirror and does a serious self evaluation and moves forward on what it will take to address her issues.

I could be wrong? I'd like to be proven wrong. I don't think I will be though. Sad

If stopping the cycle does not include a D I'd like to hear what it is? I am still open to options that work.