Your problem (like most people on this site) is that you are allowing your husband to have all the power...
For example...
"If we decide to work on the relationship I will give up the OW".....
This is the classic mistake that all of the BS's make on this site.....
You will have much more succes when YOU are the one telling HIM what YOU have decided.....
"I have decided that since you are with the OW that this isn't going to work. I have decided that you should move out. I have decided that I will not live this way. I have decided that I am not interested in being with a peroson who can't give me 100% in a relationship....."
ETC. ETC... Trying to"validate" him is silly. What?? Validate a person in an affair? Get real. "I will validate you honey. I agree with you that if she is the one you want to be with that our relationship is over"
THAT is validating. It is nonsense to have to sit and listen to a wayward spouse who is having an affair blatantly, and YOU are supposed to be thinking of how YOU can validate???
I have NEVER seen validating in this way work ONE time to bring the wayward to their senses. It is actually quite the opposite. I have seen ANGER and kicking them to the curb work better than validating.... This validating thing is just some phsycho mumbo jumbo that people use on here because they read it somewhere...
You want to validate him? Here is how. "I have decided that I don't want to work on the relationship. I have decided that since you are with another woman that I want nothing to do with our marriage anymore. I want you to move out asap"
Do that and THEN he will get the message loud and clear that you have heard him. He is telling you nicely that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is scared to hurt you right now so he isn't being totally honest... You are scared of losing him and your fear is causing you to believe that sitting and listening and taking everything he says without responding with some good old fashioned righteous anger and a tough stance is "validating" him and will help him to come back and fall back in love with you.
WRONG... YOU couldn't be more wrong. Weakness does NOT work. Calling weakness "validation" is ridiculous. NOw is the time to show strenght in what YOU want and what YOU are deciding than in focusing on how he should be validated... Get real.
