On Sunday I decided to talk to my W again about our trial separation. You would think this was the first time I brought it up. She had those deer in the headlights look.
I asked her if she has thought about it this week. She said no. (WHAT!!!???)
She asked me if I had and I said yes I have a lot. I made a list of the pros and cons of me staying and moving out. She asked if there were more pros than cons and I said yes, a lot more. The biggest con of me leaving, besides the kids of course, is the loss of connection that we have gained over the last 12 to 16 months. Also I don’t want to abandon you again emotionally as I did way back when.
But there are some pros also. I feel that I am putting too much pressure on you and I don’t know how to not do that in the same house. I feel my wants are trumping yours at the moment and that is not right. I think that by me moving out it will give you time and space to hopefully figure out what you want and what will make you happy.
She said she does not know what will make her happy and I said exactly. She brought up IC for herself again. I told her that would be a huge help and asked if she made an appointment? (I knew the answer already before I asked) No, she said but I really need to do that. (Do ya think?)
I said yes you do, for yourself and you need to really be open and honest with them. I know that it’s difficult I went though it when I first started but I’m happy now. I’m happy with everything in my life. She said except me. I said no, I’m unhappy with our R not you. It’s totally different. I care about you I told her and I want you to be happy with or with out me I really do.
She said it was easier for me because we were in the same house. I said we were physically in the same house but both of us were gone. I told her it took a lot of work on my part to change. I changed for me then I started to work on our R. I read books and found that you see and feel things different than I do. I learned how you perceive love and I focused on those things because we tend to give other people the type of love we want and not what they really need.
She said you never offered me any books. I said yes I did I told you a while back that I have some really great books. There in my night stand feel free to get one. There is one about the Love Languages that explains what I have told you many times better than I can. There is one about healing from an abusive relationship and there is an excellent one about learning how to communicate and improve your R.
I told her I was planning on moving out at the end of February. I figured we could get through swim season. Give ourselves time to plan how this is going to work and the biggest hurtle is telling the kids. She asked me what things we needed to figure out.
I told her I have some articles that say we need to figure out how long this separation should last till we make a decision, if we should date and how often that should be. How often should we communicate, if we should go to a MC, each persons responsibilities and of course the finances of the whole thing.
She said this is real isn’t it? (No fu**ing chitt I wanted to say, it dosen’t get any more real than this.) I just said Yea. She asked how this works? How often do we talk and stuff. I said I don’t know but I like talking, texting and meeting you for lunch I would like that to continue. I also think we should date. I have a paper upstairs that I started to list the things I want out of this but I need your input. She sort of just nodded.
Now for the tough part we moved onto the kids. I told her that I need to spend time with the kids. I know my job is very demanding so I am not asking for a 50/50 split. Plus they are older, 14 & 17 so they don’t need to be taken care of like small children. I was thinking every other weekend I stay at the house and every third week I stay here with them. That will give you time away to not have the responsibility of the house and kids and to do things you want to do. Its not fair for you to not have time away and me not to be with them.
She said I can’t live without them for a whole week, how can you for two. I got a little choked up here I’ve never been separated from them before. I told her I don’t know if I can but we all have cell phones we can call them when we are not here and if either they or one of us needs to see them then I have no problem with one of us picking them up during the week and taking them to dinner or whatever to be with them.
I would never deprive you of seeing your kids ever. This is not about them and I would never hurt you or them by doing that. Again this is just my thoughts you need to think of what you want out of this.
Lastly I said we will need to tell the kids. This is going to be the hardest thing either one of us will ever have to do. Told her, been there done that, fu**ing hated it when I was on their end and it sucks even more to be on this end of it. I debated this for a long time but if we did not have kids would you care if I left. She said no probably not. I like having you here and being with you but its been so long since……. (yea, yea)
We sort of slowly worked our way out of that conversation to watching tv to me starting to make dinner. She got on the computer to look up things and I went to pick up our D.
She did not sleep well last night and this morning and I could tell when I got up she had been thinking about it all night. She texed me this morning and said she got some books out of my night stand and my papers on trial separation. Hopefully she reads them and goes to IC but that are her issues and choices to make. I’ve made peace with my mistakes, faults and contributions to this failed M.
It was not pretty nor fun but I would not change a thing that I have done these past 3 years except to do them 5 years earlier.
That’s it in a nut shell. If you made it all the way here you must be tired of reading or gluttons for punishment.
Take care and thanks for reading, texting, calling and emailing to support me throughout all of this. You know who you are and I really appreciate every one of you.
