38 years & I need physical connection with my wife

[Young at Heart]

.....Don't be too shocked if she backslides now.

...This looks to me like she's been showing you all her fear, but not all the thoughts and spinning wheels in her mind. I doubt she just suddenly decided to kiss you. All that work you did that felt like banging your head against the wall was getting through, she just wasn't ready to let you see it.

I fully expect some backsliding. One the the early thing the therpist told us was a way to view transactions and she called my wife out on one style, which is the style of being the rebelious child trying to get your partner into being the authoritarian parent. The therapist explained that ideally, when it comes to sex, we both want to assume curious, child-like mental states where we can explore, play and just have fun together. She explained that some people use alcohol to "medicate" themselves into a curious, playful child-like state, but the sex is better if you don't have to do that.

I feel that the therapist has seen my wife's behavior paterns alot and has her figured out to a "T." The way she just jumps in and leads my wife in some of the discussions is just amazing. I just need to listen and better understand the exchanges between my wife and the therapist to learn how to better interact with my wife.

As to banging my head against the wall, since I have stopped, the lack of pain feels really good. As I said above, I am not sure if it was my actions or the way that the therapist just zeroed in on my wife's thougths, actions and emotions that has produced results. I will actually give lots of credit to the therapist in helping my wife focus her thinking and thoughts, with me in a supporting role.

Seriously, we were hugging even last night and even this morning. I am going to keep using all five of the Five Languages of Love methods of telling my wife that I love her in the hope of filling her love bank to the brim. My biggest fear is that I not smother my wife and give her some time to be by herself, so that she feels loved but not overwhelmed.

Again, I need to repeat my mantra about this is a marathon and not a sprint (and all the other things I need to remember). I also really need to re-read No More Mr. Nice Guy.

I hope that my wife and I are at the beginning of a process that will bring us much closer together. We are closer now than we have been in more than five months and I hope for even more in the future.

Good luck to you.