Puppy, Thank you so much for all your help. Meeting went well, mostly let him do all the talking. He told me that he just didn’t see how we could get past our problems and be happy again. I did tell him that I would like to work on the M, but that as long as OW was in the picture; there was NO chance of R. He informed me that if we decided to work on M, that he would cut all contact with her.
I’m hoping that exposing A to OWH tomorrow will help speed this no contact along.
Here's the thing, MB: Your husband has it backwards. Physiologically, his brain is all awash with PEAs right now -- basically, endorphines -- LOVE CHEMICALS. And as long as he is in contact with OW, that will be the case, and as long as it IS the case, he will NOT "feel like" working on the marriage with you. Physiologically, he is "blocked" to you.
Now, that's not to say that he can't make a CONSCIOUS DECISION to end all contact with her, and of course that's what he NEEDS to do, and that's what you want to try to FACILITATE him doing, but I can assure you, no wayward FEELS like ending their affair and working on their marriage . . . unless they've been dumped by OW/OM.
Although I don't think it will register with him, there's nothing wrong with you going on record with some version of the above: "Husband, I hear what you're saying, but as long as you are in contact with her, you are NOT going to feel like working on your marriage. Affairs are highly addictive, and that's just a medical fact. If you don't believe me, Google it yourself, read it in a book or ask any individual or marriage counselor. You need to make a DECISION, husband, and I'm not going to force you to make it one way or another. I AM, however, telling you that Iam not willing to live in an open marriage. I respect myself too much for that."
