LFW-I believe there is much correct in your assesment. The PA was 15 years ago, with many ea's or "helpless encounters" sprinkled in before and after. I too think there is much more then I have ever been told about all of them and that is part of what is eating her up.
I think she does equate sex with love and then flips out feeling controlled and emotionally empty. Going dark does trip her out and I think she then feels completely abandoned so she falls off the planet with nc to any family members for weeks. I too think it's much deeper then a MLC.
My problem is that I have been in the middle so long it has pulled me down and worn me out and the reality is I just cannot do it this same way anymore.
I sat down yesterday and wrote a very matter of fact boundary letter in what I would no longer tolerate in our marriage. I felt very good about it that morning. That evening I reread it and wrote another one that was softer, trying to say the same thing. After a few hours I reread it and it also felt a little harsh. I wrote one more, that praised the good things she has done in the last few months, pointed out how proud I was of her working and that I would not try to tell her how to spend her $ and that it was completely hers and I would still give her space but that I would also answer the phone if she needed to talk.
I did not say all the things I had in the 1st or second letter, I certainly did not lay out nearly as many boundaries, but most was spent in patting her on the back. I think she is in one of those funks that she cannot handle much of anything negative right now. I did let her know that the fence sitting was wearing on me and I was ready to move forward, hopefully with her.
I leave for a week long trip next sunday, and if I have not heard anything from her by then I will leave another "kind" letter pointing out that the M seems to me to be stuck and that it is not healthy for either of us, and if she is not able to move forward together in working on the M which includes some actual work (IC) then I will support her in moving to end the M.
I will try to say the same things as in my other letter, just in a kinder way. My experience is that no matter how I say it, it's received as beating her up, but that is the pattern. She has until the 16th of feb to serve me with her filings from oct and I am going to try to get this off dead center one way or the other before that point, so if it's going that way she can use the $ spent on the paperwork and get this out of limbo.
She will blow a gasket for sure when she see's what life is really gonna cost. She gives me $30 a month for her car insurance and $10 for her mobile ph. My daughter tried to explain how expensive it really would be when she has to get her own policies, let alone her own health insurance and she thought she was being lied to.
As pointed out, SHE is the ONLY one that can really address her issues. I don't think I could even ask her to go to IC w/o her tripping out and claim I am trying to say she is crazy, or that things are not my "fault".
Trying something different seems to be one of the mantra's here and I am. Going completely dark may land her in the hospital. Slowly weaning away as a husband, but her feeling I will still be a friend, even through a D may help her deal with life, but THAT would certainly be a struggle for me. It's a whole lot easier being full in or full out. The partial tug-o-war and the ensuing emotional roller coaster takes it's toll on me.
I fear for her mental well being for sure, but mine may have to have the priority right now, or I cannot help anyone else at all.
