It does seem that you have quite the decision to make. In my opinion you situation goes way beyond mid-life crisis. You referred to the affair approximately 12 years ago and then add that there were affairs prior to and after this. Though you say they were EA I would think that there is a lot more to these stories that your wife is keeping in hiding. Personally I don't hold that against your wife.....she is continuing to fulfill a pattern that she has had since childhood.
Your wife was sexually abused as a child by multiple family members. So at this point sexual activities have probably developed into a catch-22 for her. In her mind she is more than likely linking initial sexual activity to love, or being loved (hence "she is a pleaser"). To her, she had to have some form of sex so that these people would love her. Then from there continued sex with these people caused a new response to repeated sexual acts in that sex was being used as control (as we all know....sexual abuse is about power and not about the act itself).
So in your situation....she comes back to you in sexual overdrive because she links that to the love she so desperately wants....but that quickly changes to you having control over her (even if she initiates sex, because she feels that is what she has to do for you to love her). She then begins once again to resent you. I really feel for you, because I feel that no matter if you are super husband or not....these problems would still arise. This even carries over to non-sexual parts of your relationship because everything about her gravitates around her childhood issue of being controlled. Hence the blow up about the money....you were controlling her in her mind, yet that could be far from the truth.
I would like to see you change your mindset. You cannot help her, you can only help yourself. The only person that can help her is herself likewise. Usually I would agree with the above posters and go very dark and NC, but maybe the path should go elsewhere. Maybe try to develop a completely non-sexual friendship (I know easier said than done). IN developing that relationship you could possibly break the cycle she is used to living in....in that she might stop tieing sex and control together.
One boundary I would definitely enforce.....is that she begins individual counseling on her own. Not marital counseling, just individual counseling to deal with her demons.
