(Just noticed I replied to Gardner's post and I meant to reply to gman's.)
Quote:
Sadly, but realistically, she has to learn to deal on her own.
True. The kids getting on her last nerve is typical. How were things in the past? Did she have pretty good control over the behavior of the children or has everything been in an uproar?
If the kids are taking advantage (like they seem to know when a parent isn't on target and enforcing appropriate conduct at home)and you can come in and settle things down...then that may help with the stress level in the over-all home. I don't know to what degree things may be. But, if it is the back & forth ya-ya that most siblings do....then I would suggest that you step in as their father and tell them that they are not going to do that and they either get alone quietly or go to their respective corners. If it is something between the kids & your W, then I'd stay out of it b/c she needs to deal directly with it. Of course, if she asks for your help, then that may be different. (Dependeing on the seriousness of the subject at hand.) Just hard to know to what level things are on, but hopefully you can see what I'm suggesting here.
I think the main thing about the stress around the home is to know that you aren't doing something to add to it. You shouldn't try to fix everything for her and especially if it enables her WAW attitude, but use your heart to guide on some things when you feel that she is near a breaking point. I don't want to sound contradictive, but remembering how bad my nerves got a one time.....it's hard for my heart not to go out to mothers. Do you know what I'm trying to say? I hope you can stay balanced when you evaluate these times and know when you need to help or step in and know when she should have to deal with it hereself.
If she is experiencing a hormone imbalance plus a WAW mode.....she is in a bad place emotionally & physically. It also puts you in a hard spot b/c you are limited to what you can do. I pray that you will be directed in your heart. Don't give up.
Last edited by sandi2; 01/26/1011:58 AM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
oh typical kids - they know they can push mom's buttons and she is all bark (dad is the one who will physically take them to their room, not just tell them to and not follow up)- honestly think they just don't respect her anymore. I can see that she just doesn't have it in her to stick to her guns, she has been rolling over just to keep from having to deal with them lately.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
If she is experiencing a hormone imbalance plus a WAW mode.....she is in a bad place emotionally & physically. It also puts you in a hard spot b/c you are limited to what you can do. I pray that you will be directed in your heart. Don't give up.
Sandi - you are spot on, i am trying mini 180's and a mix of other things (cheerleading...ect) but it is almost imposible to gauge the reaction she may have at any given moment so it is making things very agravating for me - but i will never give up, i love my W.
I am thinking the best thing i can do is pull back a little and see what her reaction to that is.
as for getting her to see somene - i told her last night that i was concerned for her general health and maybe she should see a doctor.
still working on me - have the ultra mind solution on its way
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
is it the norm or a stage for the WAS to have anger about everything i do or say?
If i give her space i get "looks" like i am the bad person, don't get me wrong I have changed - no more pouting about things, just taking them as they come and with a bit more open eyes.
if we engage in conversation, i get eyes rolling most of the time...laying in bed if i "bump" her i get a quick shove.
it is very discouraging to deal with this rollercoaster of emotions (both hers and mine).
just had to write something to help clear my head today.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
W is still very "mean" if you will when dealing with me, but she did say something that engaged me into a R conversation (sort of). She said something about maybe i know how she felt being around someone negative all the time, and can't do it anymore. All i could tell her was that i was sorry for what happened in the past and wish i had opened my eyes a bit sooner, i owned up to my "faults" but said nothing i can do about the past.
I can only work on the present and the future, and i do not want to go back to the way things were. I want to be happy and told her that i want her to be happy, hopefully with me.
then i went and cooked dinner for the family.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
stop pursuing her - stand back and work on yourself and stay consistent - she is watching your every move because in her mind you won't change. one day at a time..working on YOU
Hardest part - didn't think the "not pursuing" thing would be that hard to do...man was i wrong - getting better (or stronger) each day.
Originally Posted By: TulsaTime
Show her a less neqative you. Do a 180.
My nuber one thing i have been working on - strangely i do feel much better about my attitude (could be because i have taken steps to GAL)
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
small update... been a much improved person (in my eyes anyways), not letting the little things that used to annoy me get to me - i feel much better,
BUT
W is in a dark place and makes me very upset to see her like this, kids are like a trigger to her lately, she just seems super stressed. I do try to occupy the kids when i get home from work but by then i think she is at her wits end.
also think that me working on me is kind of pissing her off at times, not to mention i do not take her verbal "bait" anymore.
is it possible or the norm for the WAS to detest what she is seeing now?
i have told her repeatedly when she trys to say something about the way things were - "i do not want to go back to the way things were, it is not fair to you or me. I can only work on the future and that i hope she will as well"
i still find that pursuing is a real bitch not to do - it is in my nature, i am a "physical" touch kind of love langue person.
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
small update...been a much improved person (in my eyes anyways), not letting the little things that used to annoy me get to me - i feel much better,
Good. Believe me, the challenge is being consistent in this regard.
Originally Posted By: gman
W is in a dark place and makes me very upset to see her like this,
She's in a dark place BY CHOICE if it "makes" you very upset, detach! Do NOT let her feelings/emotions DICTATE yours.
Originally Posted By: gman
kids are like a trigger to her lately, she just seems super stressed. I do try to occupy the kids when i get home from work but by then i think she is at her wits end.
Again: her problem. Her problem to deal with. There is NOTHING you can do about this and if you try, despite best intentions, you will be resented (or worse) for doing so.
Originally Posted By: gman
also think that me working on me is kind of pissing her off at times, not to mention i do not take her verbal "bait" anymore.
Too damn bad. Everything about you pisses her off. It HAS to. You are wrong, evil, THE problem She thinks this way almost exclusively in order to justify her feelings and actions.
Originally Posted By: gman
is it possible or the norm for the WAS to detest what she is seeing now?
It is possible, it is the norm, it is the SCRIPT, it is her raison de etre.
Originally Posted By: gman
i have told her repeatedly when she trys to say something about the way things were - "i do not want to go back to the way things were, it is not fair to you or me. I can only work on the future and that i hope she will as well"
Good. Shorten it: "I choose not to dwell in the past. I'm working on me. For me. Now. Nothing else."
Originally Posted By: gman
i still find that pursuing is a real bitch not to do - it is in my nature, i am a "physical" touch kind of love langue person.
How's that working out for you? Do what works! Drop what doesn't! Counterintuitive!
"If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."
Good luck.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
