This is likely stating the obvious to you at the moment, but its important that you know this so I will say it :
Just because he tells you there's no contact does not MEAN there isn't any.
AND.. contact must be shut down in both directions. If he has a cell phone, he must CHANGE it and get a new number. All email addresses must be changed, etc. IF he leaves a window open to contact then it will be a high risk.
She needs to change her cell # and emails as well. I am hoping her H is willing to work on his marriage and she cooperates with him. If those two decide to divorce then your H will have a lot of outside temptation hovering around and you will have a much bigger fight on your hands.
Get a good FT and have that FT referee the two of you individually until you two can discuss things with the FT directly.
If he is in FT it will be another pressure point to keep OW from tempting him.
Do not trust his word. He will lie to you about contact. They always think "what she doesn't know wont' hurt her"... you need to get it across to him that he must be FULLY HONEST with you at all times from this point on... NO SECRETS.
This is a bit early on though. I wouldn't expect to be in these negotiations for several weeks yet. You two are still in an opposition state with each other.
His saying he doesn't see a way to work past problems is just his mood talking... he feels hopeless and lost. Don't pay it any mind... he's just feeling negative right now so he's talking negatively. I hope you are able to withold commentary like "So, we have a lot of problem so you start an affair to clean those up?"
I was pretty bad for that... Its hard not stating the obvious when you are hurting... but try your best not to. it doesn't help them recover.
Next time YOU call the shots, he needs someone to set an example of adult behaviour that he can model OK? This is like walking a dog right now... YOU need to lead... if you let him run ahead of you and tell you where you are going you have no control over your marriage. Keep him under control by ONLY cooperating on YOUR TERMS. YOU choose the times, you choose the places, and you choose the subject of convo.
If he wants to talk, just listen with indifference on your face and then end the convo. Don't show weakness or he will exploit that with a reknewed affair.
You COULD ask him to tell OWH for you... as a demonstration of his reknewed commitment, but my guess is he will refuse... its a GREAT test though.
