Noooooo!!!! Since when did his affair become a "friendship?"
Since when did "I will not share my husband with another woman" become "I'm uncomfortable"???
You just LISTEN. If he tries to say they're "just friends," then put up your hand in a "STOP" position and say "Please stop it. We both know you're lying right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful."
Period.
I hope you read this in time, before you talk to him.
Puppy dog, Thank you, I will do exactly what you say. And yes, I know he is lying. That is what he tried to tell me yesterday, "were just friends, I wish she was a guy, so this would be no big deal". I knew he was lying though
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Do the "stop" technique, and say EXACTLY the words I suggest above. If need be (if he persists with the "just friends" thing, or anything else you KNOW FOR A FACT is a lie), repeat it a second time.
If he STILL persists, and lies to your face a third time, GET UP AND END THE CONVERSATION, saying "When you are ready to stop lying to me, and speak to me calmly and truthfully, we can continue this conversation. I think I deserve at least that much. We're done for now."
Excellent Puppy, thanks for catching this for me... I was in a panic when i saw the original post, you read my mind.. or I am reading yours... lol
I totally agree wtih this strategy.
The strategy is to be mature and civil but... the boundaries are
1. No cheating 2. No lying
If ANY of that is going to happen then END the meeting and leave... don't say ANYTHING... tell him you will HEAR what he has to say, but DON'T let him bait you into an argument... i am a bit worried that's exactly what's going t happen
The risk here is mb28 that he is TESTING you to see if YOU are worth staying with... so he calls these silly meetings and if you do ANYTHING aggressive or immature he will just conclude HE is in the right and will continue with his affair.
He's testing you... so you need to set an example of civility and maturity that will shock him into following your lead.
The problem is his affair is putting you under an unGODLY amount of stress so its an unfair test... but he'll do it anyhow.
You need to stay strong, distant, and civil... but do not tolerate any back door games or childish nonsense... if he tries that, just treat him like the five year old he's acting like and walk out on him - effectively you are giving him a TIME OUT until he starts behaving like an adult.
I am not sure why you agreed to the meeting in the first place, i would never let him call the shots on meetings.. i would give him a time and place when its convenient for YOU and let HIm choose to come or not... don't let him LEAD this... if you let HIM LEAD this its going into chaos... he has no idea what he's doing... YOU need to call the meetings, times, and places...
Civil, but don't run to him like a lost pet or he'll walk all over you... think of him as a new dangerous animal in your home... you need to assert yourself or he will ruin your home.
I am not sure why you agreed to the meeting in the first place, i would never let him call the shots on meetings.. i would give him a time and place when its convenient for YOU and let HIm choose to come or not... don't let him LEAD this... if you let HIM LEAD this its going into chaos... he has no idea what he's doing... YOU need to call the meetings, times, and places...
Yes! Yes, yes, YES! I wanted to say this same thing, but time was of the essence and I forgot. You should always say "no" to the first request for a hoop-jumping meeting, and tell them "maybe" you can do it a couple of days later. Let THEM twist in the wind.
He's doing the same thing my wife did... he's obscuring the truth. He has this idea that if he says something HONEST, any lies in there don't count... it's an assinine way to think but he's gonna do it anyways.
He DOES consider her a friend, so when he tells you she's a friend he doens't think he's lying... TELL HIM outright if he isnt' going to be FULLY HONEST with you then you will NOT HEAR anymore and get up... walk away.. make a scene if you have to.
DO NOT SAY ANYTHING other than asserting those boundaries.... Let him talk... don't interrupt... if he watis for a response don't give him one.. its a TEST.
You aren't in shape right now to negotiate with him directly... he's effectively holding a gun at your head and expecting to have a NICE conversation that will justify him both ending an affair and reconcilling... its outright ridiculous, but wayward spouses do thsi all the time.
What YOU need to do is call the shots, whatever he sets up, change it so it suits YOU.
Whatever he offers just tell him you will think about it at best but if its BS then just ignore it and leave... ANYTHING he does or says thats below acceptable to you get up and WALK.. and DON'T stop.. end the meeting so he knows you are SERIOUS
If you start to walk away and come back, he's leading you like a dog on a leash and you deserve better.
If you get up and leave... do it and don't stop... show him you wont tolerate treatment below standard.
He will respect you for this... he will throw a tantrum, but you will have his respect. That's what he's looking for is a mature civilized demonstration of leadership to give him HOPE... give that to him.... you set the standards and walk if you get anything less.
Yup, i didn't say it like that pup, but this is the hoop jumping phase without a doubt, i know it well... been there, read about it, and survived it.
mb whatever HOOP he puts in front of you, just SIDESTEP it... be on the watch for hoops, he will be putting them out to you.. its humiliating and disrespectful.. just sidestep them and wait for him to grow up.
mb, right now its likely best that ANYTHING he suggests you should tell him you will think about it.. come HERE and we can discuss it with you and when YOU are satisfied you are fully informed THEN contact him back and tell him what you think...
NEVER ACT immediately on anything he proposes... even MC. He's just blowing smoke and testing you right now and you need to show him you WONT ACCEPT that... the more hooops you jump through the more he's going to throw at you.. reject them asap.
If he wants a meeting, just tell him you will let him know.. then come here and we will walk you through it.
Puppy & Allen, Thank you so much for all your help. Meeting went well, mostly let him do all the talking. He told me that he just didn’t see how we could get past our problems and be happy again. I did tell him that I would like to work on the M, but that as long as OW was in the picture; there was NO chance of R. He informed me that if we decided to work on M, that he would cut all contact with her.
I’m hoping that exposing A to OWH tomorrow will help speed this no contact along.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
