to all walk away spouses

[undefeated]

Well I'm sorry it took about two weeks to find you, but I am here now, for what it is worth.

But I know now after being here a few months it's often a case of so many threads, so little time. But remembering my first foray into these waters I try - as often as possible - to respond to a newbie even if it's just a quick, "welcome & hang in there" or some other boiler plate response - for now.

True, true words. I seek out those who have no one talking to them, but there are many forums and many situations, and limited hours in my day. You are not alone. And sometimes the best way to find assistance is to venture out to others' threads and say a few things to them. Also, seek out veterans like Puppy Dog Tails and Gnosis. They are wonderful DB'ers who help as much as they can.

I am an ex WAW, returned to my H about three years ago. And now he is my WAH and I get to feel the pain I caused. Ironic and so apropos it is astonishing.

Now for your questions -

Why did you leave and if you came back how much time did it take?

I left my H for a OM I was having an EA/PA with. I left because I was selfish, childish, and lost in a fantasy world in which responsibilities and promises made had no meaning.

I came back to my M within a year though all of the false attempts make the exact timing a little fuzzy. I ended up at absolute rock bottom, which is what it usually takes. Each persons rock bottom moment is unique. Mine was sitting in a jail cell, five months pregnant, facing prison time. I finally looked at myself and saw what I had become, what I had left, and what I was leaving my H for.

Anyone who will cheat with you will cheat on you, and as soon as I was out of the state (ex OM was supposed to join me, but got "distracted") he went and got another friend pregnant too. We thought for a long while my S2 (3 in a few months)was ex OM's, but thankfully have since discovered otherwise. I chose a real winner, eh?

If any how long did the affair last and if it didn't last long--what happened?

This is more complicated than you might think.

First let me point out that whatever small amount of rational thought I had from the moment I met the ex OM, I knew that an A with him was not going to end well. That being said, I told myself "damn the cost" (bad idea) and pursued him anyway.

The PA ended about 8 months after it began, with one relapse almost a year later because I never admitted that I hadn't given up the EA. After that I went cold turkey - NC with ex OM for over a year. The friend he left me for decided to try to patch up our R about May of last year and I foolishly agreed. But after a few casual contacts with her and ex OM, I don't keep in touch anymore. I look at him now and wonder what I saw in the first place. And I can't hurt my H by having any contact with ex OM anymore. Only since getting out of a bipolar fog and having the same awful things done to me have I seen just how hurtful this must have been.

What was it like knowing right from wrong and still causing that much pain?

Also an interesting question. When you are in the A, that isn't how you see it, or at least not often. I felt guilty because my actions were making my H unhappy - I offered him a D so he could move on - but I didn't consider them wrong. I was pursuing the greatest happiness in my life after all. (Please note dripping sarcasm.) When you are in that fog, only the actions that keep you with the OP seem "right."

And honestly, if I had known pain could be this acute, I could never have had the A in the first place. I didn't understand until I had to live every moment of my H's pain for myself. It is excruciating, but I bear it gladly. I wish no ill on anyone, including a WAS. But if they truly had to feel the pain they inflict I think many would go home a whole lot sooner.

What did you and your spouse do to get things on the right track?

Obviously I'll have to let you know the answer to this one if/when my H comes back to me. Because I thought we had mended our marriage and were doing so much better - we seemed happy - and he walked right into the arms of someone else.

And now I'd like to add something that I'm pretty certain will not be well received. But you want to understand, so I can try to explain. A WAS may not have been intending to find or looking for the OP. Small consolation and certainly not an excuse. But I think many LBS feel that cheating spouses were just out there looking for the right OP to be unfaithful with. And maybe in some cases they are. But in mine and I would guess many more it is not so. It is more a case of not being where you should be physically/mentally/emotionally.

I am not a religious person, but when I first tried to form this thought about an A in my head, a Bible class I took way back when I was a Christian came to me. When David saw Bathsheba and decided to have her, even though it was wrong, it wasn't because he was looking for a way to disappoint God and throw his kingdom into turmoil. He was supposed to be away fighting a war for God. In not being where he should have been, David chose a path likely to lead him even further astray.

For me, I was at a party. I knew I shouldn't have been there. But I went anyway. And I knew (not really a premonition, just a weird feeling) that if I went that something would go wrong in a big way. But I wasn't looking for a way to destroy my M. I wasn't looking for my ex OM so I could profess my love to a man who neither deserved it nor owned it. It belongs to my H. I was also out of touch with my H mentally/emotionally. Again, not an excuse; there is no excuse. But the two acts together of being in the wrong place really was a recipe for disaster. FWIW.