Have I gone to MC? Yes. She stopped, I continued. I have three choices – accept her as she is, leave, or get her to change. As Michelle points out, changing a spouse is possible by ‘pushing their buttons’. I tried one month of pushing some good buttons. Didn’t work. So…
OK, onthemountaintop, so it seems you are trying. I like what I am reading. I still think you are way, way, way too pessimistic. From what you are saying she does seem unhappy. I mention often on this board about meetup.com. I personally love the mom's groups. It made me a lot happier. Would she consider joining one? She could host playdates at your house or go to other mom's houses. It would be nice for her to socialize. How about dates? Are you guys ever doing those? That may perk her up a bit.
Can type more I am tired and need to get up early. I hope others can comment. I posted on a busy thread that you were in need of some guidance so hopefully others will be posting, I am hoping.
I think D is a big mistake but you are free to make your own decisions.
Will read up on you tomorrow
Best June72
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Final note- living with a depressed spouse is very hard on the heart.... she does seem to be quite unhappy
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
[quote=june72] Let her handle it. Why do you need to get involved with her job application? She is a grown woman. This could be perceived as overbearing and manipulative.
Oh - I agree. She insisted I do it, but then complained that she doesn't know what I did. Self-esteem....
[quote=june72] Let her handle it. Why do you need to get involved with her job application? She is a grown woman. This could be perceived as overbearing and manipulative.
Oh - I agree. She insisted I do it, but then complained that she doesn't know what I did. Self-esteem....
oh boy, that makes it hard, though.
Please remember improving a marriage is a lot of uphill and downhill events. A lot of backsliding. It is not one forward upward event. My hubby and I have many, many bumps in the road. Many times each of us thought the incidents were fatal to our marriage. We made it though- so can you. She does love you.
Last edited by june72; 02/01/1005:29 AM.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
We can't make either you or your wife want to stay married. And obviously your 5 children can't either. It is up to the two of you to find it within yourselves and to act nicely to each other. As long as you both go around saying "I don't love you" or "I never loved you the way a spouse should", or any of the many negative things that you tell each other, your marriage will be bad. If you want a good marriage, you need to talk nicely to each other.
You have not convinced me that you and she never loved each other as married people should. You have 5 children. To me, that shows that you were loving each other pretty good there.
Happiness is a state of mind. If you want to be happy, change your mind. Think about it.
Since my goal is trying to make things work while being semi-separated and planning toward a D, I'm trying to do these things:
- Not talk about if there is love (good suggestion Lotus) - Not talk about wanting a D - Not having sex, but being open to sharing a bed - Trying to touch or sit near her when speaking about R things - Going through D mediation, but I gave dates in March to meet the mediator (why discuss what hopefully won't come to pass) - Insisting on W going for counselling as a minimum. I told her and she seems to agree that it is good for her, M or D, and that it couldn't hurt. - Trying to smile, keep working out, making myself feel healthy within M - Getting caught up on work - Being calm when angry - Listening to her better - Still being me, not who I think she wants me to be - Clarifying what I must have and want to have in a relationship (what am I complaining about that I should let go) - Finding compromises that I have made but am unwilling to keep making: I'll let her know these over time, I think
Beyond counselling, I am expecting (Got some of this list from Gnosis'): - A woman who WANTS to be with me, not needs to be. This is a bit hard, because she has always been overdependent. - Who supports my dreams and will give me the freedom to pursue them. I know I need to communicate and be patient, but my ADHD means I need to have a variety of strengths and that means developing myself - Who can accept my growth as a process that takes time, not expecting miracles - Who confides in me and values my opinion. I don't need her to agree, just to consider my point of view. - Who understands how much I value some independence - Who is confident enough to not make bad religious, maritial, or parenting decisions based on anger or feelings of weakness. (thus the push for counseling)
Let's see, the first 3 are negative, what you will not do. Being calm when angry? Sure, we all do that! Not. There's no such thing. Listening to her better....that's actually a positive and it could help. Put that first.
And drop the rest. They all center around you getting what you want. Start with the listening. And look into Retrouvaille, www.helpourmarriage.org. They can show you what a good marriage looks like. They can help you get there with positive steps. I guarantee you that bringing a shopping list of the type of woman you want to your wife will not fix your marriage.
you've helped me a lot on my thread, in terms of giving me some insight on what it's like to be the spouse with ADHD.
i'll try to return the favor here.
in your list of what you're expecting, you mention you want a wife who supports your dreams and will give you the freedom to pursue them. as the non-ADHD spouse in my M, i do my best (IMO) to give my H the freedom to pursue business ventures, social interaction (which he needs in order to thrive and be happy), and we even recently (jointly) purchased a motorcycle this past summer...a lifelong dream of his. BUT. your wife has dreams, too. so do i. my H and i have never been on a vacation alone, with the exception of our honeymoon, 2 years ago. we talk about planning trips, but they never come to fruition, mostly because he's chasing his dreams and mine get put on the back burner. having dreams that BOTH of you pursue together should certainly be an aspect of every healthy marriage.
i'm not saying you don't support her dreams, i don't know your full situation. but i can tell you that it's a LOT easier to support someone else in chasing their dreams when they are putting an equal amount of effort into helping you pursue your own.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
you've helped me a lot on my thread, in terms of giving me some insight on what it's like to be the spouse with ADHD.
Watching your 'process' has helped be more aware of the emotions that my W is going through. It has also helped me commit to giving the M my full effort through my 3 months before a D would be final.
My W has definately been accomodating with some of my decision, but dreams...not so much. Her self-esteem has made that hard. Still, she has tried.
I am now trying to address her needs better, but my list seems to show I'm not. I'll need to look at that again.
By the way, the motorcycle thing has been a dream of mine, too, but I put it to bed knowing I can be a clutz when not focused...I can imagine going 100Km/h an realizing there's a new store in town, and then...
I've asked my W about her dreams, but she doesn't seem to have any. Did you tell your H them, or should I just try to take notice if she hints - I don't know if I'd ever notice her hint.
Her not having dreams, being able to take care of her appointments, and other such things have made me feel she's very dependent - almost needy. I want to help her, not do it for her. Alot of my stress with her comes from this. In a M, I thought that two people are partners in all aspects, not just dividing roles and responsibilities. I think I would be a better spouse had I felt she and I made the home together by compromise and sharing.
