Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[kjensen]

Hi Virginia-
Doing OK. My paycheck actually still got deposited in our joint account. I saw H Friday night at D12's basketball tournee..I mentionned opening my own checking account. He said I should have my check direct deposited into it..so I said..Ummm, yeah I was thinking about that... H asked if we should get together this weekend to get our taxes in order and I said "maybe"...we'll see.

Sat was a great day spent with the girls seeing a movie, getting them manicures for their Sunday photo shoot with their dad..shopping a bit. Just nice.

H called this morning(Sunday) to see if I wanted to do the tax thing..I told H that the girls and I weren't sure what clothes they should wear for their photo shoot.. H started getting reactive..thinking I was dictating what the girls would wear on his photo shoot..I said I didn't want to make decisions that would affect his pictures..that I didn't want to do anything that he could get angry at me for...he was quiet(I think absorbing my comment)..and said he'd come over early to help the girls get their outfits. When he showed up we worked on the tax stuff a bit..I told H he looked good and he shared that he was nervous. I gave him a quick kiss on the lips and held his hand for a minute to reassure him..it was brief and nice and he didn't pull away.

I left to go to a movie(Up in the Air-quite good!) and texted H that he was and attractive and beautiful man and to have fun with the girls. I sent the girls loving messages as well. D12 texted back that H was snooping by my nightstand! LOL Not sure what he could have been looking for..the books I'm currently reading are under my bed by my nightstand and my journal..nothing really of interest-haven't written in my journal since mid-December..

Tonight H texted me to thank me for my kind words. D14 said when they were having their pictures taken H said she looked just like me..He said "Aren't you lucky-your mother is so pretty." That was nice to hear, even though it second-hand.

Good ideas on films Virginia- we've all seen Rabit-Proof Fence-great film!, but will check out Ten Canoes.-thanks for the suggestion! Kind of been thinking of re-watching Walkabout. Walkabout and The Last Wave were the first Australian films I remember watching way before film school..definitely memorable.

Reading Grown-Up Marriage by Judith Viorst...really helping me have perspective on what was going on in my (un)grown-up marriage and helping me understand what kind of relationship I want in the future with H or whomever. Actually giving me some helpful distance and perspective. Things are getting a little bit easier each day. I'm pretty sure there's no stopping this divorce. I think H has some growing up to do and its probably easier/better for him to be unmarried to me to do it at this point. I'm still standing for this man and hope that he grows up, wakes up and comes back..but I'm slowly moving forward on my own.