Thanks for your candidness, June72. 4x4s are fine, too, if they can make a happy M!
I have no doubt that when I type I will refer to issues I have about her. I'm the almost WAH, not her. I'm trying to get others' views to see where I'm being unfair about her, as well as ideas on what to do.
I've read many books that have helped me see what things I've missed in offering her more. Books cannot make two people love each other when there's NEVER been the marriage type of love before. I don't mean not anymore, I mean never. She's got enough for a platonic relationship. Is that a good thing for anyone FOREVER? In my religion, forever means forever. I need a W that I can look forward to sharing a hereafter with, not “just till death, then finally we part!”
7x she said that she felt there was no hope and we might as well divorce in one month. Remember – I’m the almost WAH, not her. Yet, I’m here. I’m reading and trying to improve.
I wasn’t emotional when I said we’re back on the D trek. I know she’s heartbroken. I am too, but because I can’t make my M work and can’t find enough good in this good woman that I could love her ‘unconditionally’. Before the first D round, she kept her love hidden. If fact, she did that pretty well until we almost finalized our divorce. Now, I can feel that. It still didn’t stop her from saying these things and more: - “I feel weak now, not like the last time, I wish I had never reconciled with you” - “I want to leave you with the kids” - “I want to visit my home country” - “I’m going to by a $100 pair of shoes” (: !! - “There’s no hope” (many, many, many times) - “There’s something wrong with one of us”
June, you’ve seen many other posts. I go out about 2 times a year, and never to get drunk because I don’t drink. She knew I was going out. I WISH she went out. She never has. She won’t hire a babysitter so we can go out, and hasn’t developed her friendships until we began talking D. She’s been very effective, perhaps subconsciously, at keeping me from developing friendships. I’m possibly getting a D, what’s wrong with staying out? I’m not going “dark”…
I know I wasn’t nice, but it was 3am and she was telling me that she had to go to sleep. I thought she was going to. I have ADHD…I am a man…I was born to make mistakes!
You’re right, I need to try to get to her root feelings more often and focus on her more. Good advice which, I’m hoping, during our semi-separation period before a possible D I can do. Will she do that for me? She usually decides how I feel and why. She saw me happy after I came back from the mall (haircut for me and my daughter). She believed, and still believes that I am happy because we are getting a D. I held her arm gently to show my caring and told her that it wasn’t the case, but she still believes it enough that she told me she wants to leave until the D is final.
Selfish? I don’t think so. I help in many ways and at different times. She chose to be a homemaker, she wasn’t forced. She chose to skip birth control and didn’t want withdrawal, either…. 5 kids are a critical mass – they are very self-managing and very loved, too. On top, I’m a teacher and I get 3 months of collective holidays to catch up on my role in the house. I’m not perfect – I really do know that.
I do thank you for your time to share your ideas, June. While I know my response is defensive, I am reading it for what I can get out of it!
